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Designer graphic set |
SCENE 0 | (Optional)  Staged production of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet |
PRINCE: “For never was a story of more woe (spoken) Than this of Juliet . . . and her Romeo.”
Cast freezes. Feminist WRITER strolls in DR, her nose stuck in a book,
a pen in her right hand. She turns to the audience, shaking her head.
“WRITTEN YEARS AGO”
(sung to “Many Moons Ago”)
WRITER:
(sings) Written years ago was a Shakespeare play
Full of tragedy we still have to-day,
’Til we get the story right!
Any Juliet with a brain in-set (taps her right temple)
Knows the way to get to your true love yet
Isn’t double-suicide!
We need to do a slight re-write! (tears pages, tosses book)
WOMEN in the cast come alive, dancing around the men still frozen.
WRITER: For a feminist is a radical thing!
WOMEN: The system wasn’t built by any rational being!
WRITER: You can spot the Neo-Nazi by his clean, shaven head;
And the feminist by how she rips her hair out instead!
Characters are introduced one by one, with silly poses and pantomime.
WRITER: This time Rosalind’s got a kid within
(half- Due to Romeo, but renounces him
spoken) After he gets thrown in gael
For acting like your “average male”!
Enter Juliet, Pro-Life Capulet,
Who’s harassed by Paris but forgives the debt
When he asks for Rosalind’s hand,
So Juliet can get her man!
All MEN and WOMEN in the cast join in song.
MEN: For a feminist is a devious one!
WOMEN: God created Eve to have “mischevious” fun!
CHORUS: You can do the same old Shakespeare,
Shedding tears for the dead,
WRITER: Or mock the problems of the world
And laugh your head off instead!
{SECTION ENDS}
CHORUS: HOW?
(spoken)
WRITER: Well. . .
(spoken)
“JULIET AND ROMEO”
(sung to “The Glory of Love”)
WRITER: Ya gotta sing a little. . .
(sings) Swing a little. . .
Cast and crew break into dance, changing sets and costumes
(Republican red for Capulets; Democrat blue for Montagues).
Get up and do your own thing a little!
To tell the story of “Juliet and Romeo”!
CHORUS SL: You gotta dance a little!
CHORUS SR: Romance a little!
WRITER: Apply for government grants a little!
WRITER To tell the story of
+ CHORUS: “Juliet and Romeo”!
WOMEN: First you cast a Romeo, (ROMEO carried DR)
MEN: And pick a matching Juliet, (JULIET carried DL)
ROMEO + Together we’ll produce a show (ROMEO + JULIET meet CS,
JULIET: And get the writer out of debt! CREW rolls fountain UC
WRITER: You bet! and other sets on stage)
ALL: We’re gonna sing a little!
WRITER
+ MEN: “Schwing” a little!
JULIET
(half-spoken
to ROMEO): And maybe do the wild thing a little!
ALL: That’s the story of “Juliet and Romeo”!
ALL: You gotta “dew-op” a little!
ROMEO &
ROSALIND: Screw-up a little!
PARIS &
JULIET: Bend the rules you grew up with a little!
ALL: To tell the story of “Juliet and Romeo”!
ALL: You gotta curse a little!
Rehearse a little!
BENVOLIO/STACEY/
MERCUTIO/WENDY: Play a role in reverse a little!
ALL: That’s the story of “Juliet and Romeo”!
MEN: As long as there are Romeo’s,
WOMEN: And double-daring Juliet’s,
WOMEN: There's hope to stop the overdose (grab vial from JULIET)
MERCUTIO: And fill the plot with a lot more sex! (MEN hoot and holler)
ALL (shout): What next?
ALL (sing): We’re gonna teach a little!
PARIS: Preach a little!
WRITER: Abuse the freedom of speech a little!
ALL: To tell the story of “Juliet and Romeo”!
MEN fall in place, turn their backs, and freeze.
WOMEN: That’s the story of “Juliet and Romeo”!
WOMEN fall in place, turn their backs, and freeze.
WRITER: And now the story of “Juliet and Romeo” . . . {SONG ENDS}
WRITER weaves through the crowd, exits behind the fountain UR. PROFESSOR
comes around the other side, DL of the fountain. Backdrop changes.
| SCENE 1 | (Anarchist riot) Townsquare by a fountain, outside the polls |
As the WRITER/PROFESSOR passes them, PROTESTORS whip out picket signs and strike contorted poses, scowling at each other.
“PROLOGUE”
(sung grievously to “Lament” from Evita)
WRITER or Two parties, the Republicans and Democrats,
PROFESSOR: Plague America, a civil war machine,
Competing, like the Montagues and Capulets,
For control of the Electors, sight unseen . . .
The people, so tired of fighting bureaucrats,
Incite a riot in our opening scene,
To protest the not-so-candid candidates
Divided Left and Right and in-between!
(aside) (Like Romeo and Juliet,
Perhaps the parties never should have met!)
{SECTION ENDS}
“IT’S ELECTION DAY!”
(sung to “It’s a Typical Day”)
CHORUS: Hey! It’s Election Day! All across the U.S.A.,
Where political folk do things in ridiculous ways!
WOMEN: We spend millions on silly campaigns! (scatter men’s flyers)
MEN: Instead of investing in change! (dump women’s coin jar)
We let the majority whip the minority, [minority/majority]
Hoping nobody complains!
WOMEN: And then we tune in to what Rush Limbaugh has to say!
CHORUS: We do it this way, the American way!
Hooray! for Election Day!
CHORUS scatters as swarm of POLICE enter, firing a warning shot.
BADGE #1: (BANG!) You don’t elect your local police,
Trained to shoot (BANG!) for justice and peace!
BADGE #2: Your tax dollars hire me and later retire me
To put younger guns on the streets!
TOGETHER: We execute orders your judges are paid to say!
(saluting
to judge) From the Presidency to the Military,
BADGE #3: The Force will keep you free!
Actor who plays ROMEO or LORD MONTAGUE, steps out of character and up
onto the fountain or a soapbox, representing a REPRESENTATIVE.
REP: I’m your Congress! I make the laws!
(aside) (Never mind the Establishment clause!)
I run with the big PACs to write private contracts
On behalf of the masses because
I represent lobbyists who can afford to pay!
POLICE part crowd to let tall judge take CS, made of BENVOLIO sitting on
MERCUTIO’S shoulders hidden under long black robe, swinging huge gavel.
BENVOLIO: Come now to Court for legal redress!
MERCUTIO: Unless you value free speech and press!
(pokes head out,
and back in)
BENVOLIO: You must writ your petitions by strict definitions
And still make the deadlines, oh yes!
(half-spoken,
in booming This system of justice presides over church and state!
couirtroom voice)
MERCUTIO bangs gavel on people’s heads, chasing after them. Federal
AGENT comes out from building, tries to seize the inflatable plastic
toy, until the crowd reads “IRS” on his briefcase. They chase him.
PROFESSOR is left holding the First Amendment placard, helplessly.
PROFESSOR: Whether you go to church or state school,
(to crowd) You should know the old Golden Rule!
TYBALT: But this law was never meant to govern the Government,
Thrown in a separate pool!
Splash is heard as AGENT is dunked in the fountain.
ROMEO: Abridging our right to assemble more peaceably!
IRS AGENT: Don’t blame it on me if my own agency
Forget to file as a 501-(c)-3!
PROFESSOR disappears SL into the CHORUS crowded around the fountain,
while WRITER re-emerges SR.
PROFESSOR: Do away with the Federal Reserve!
WRITER: Fund the arts to protect and to serve
PROFESSOR and WRITER continue to march in and out, in a circle.
PROFESSOR: Public education, not dumb legislation
That disrupts more peace than it preserves!
WRITER: Creative alternatives may be the only way
CHORUS, raiding the contents of the AGENT’S briefcase, stop to sing.
ALL: To reduce violent crime while we fight to kill time
CHORUS, tossing bills and billets up in the air.
CHORUS SL: From Election to Election -
CHORUS CS: From Election to Election -
CHORUS SR: From Election to Election Day!
ALL shout: HOORAY! {SONG ENDS}
CHORUS scatters SL and SR, while others run through the audience,
passing out flyers and soliciting donations to pay the actors.
[Optional song (see Appendix): "RADICALS!" (sung to "Savages!" from
Pocahontas) - to be reprised near the end of poetry reading scene]
Crowd parts, leaving only ROMEO/ROSALIND pacing DR/UL. YELL LEADERS (or
Mercutio/Benvolio) shout from OS, answered by RIOTERS OS on other side.
YELL LEADER OSR: What do you want?
RIOTERS OSL: JUSTICE!
YELL LEADER OSR: When do you want it?
RIOTERS OSL: NOW!
YELL LEADER OSL: What did you say?
RIOTERS OSR: JUSTICE!
YELL LEADER OSL: When do we want it?
RIOTERS OSR: NOW!
YELL LEADER OSR: What do you want?
ROMEO (DR): RIOTERS OSL:
My freedom! FREEDOM!
ROMEO (DR): YELL LEADER OSR:
I gotta tell Rosalind When do you want it?
ROMEO (DR): RIOTERS OSL:
Now! NOW!
YELL LEADER (louder OSL): What did you say?
ROSALIND (UL): RIOTERS (fading OSR):
I’m pregnant! FREEDOM!
ROSALIND (UL): YELL LEADER (shout OSL):
I gotta tell Romeo When do you want it?
ROSALIND (UL): RIOTERS (fading OSR):
Now! NOW!
ROSALIND (pacing UL toward CS): I must tell him now, but how?
ROMEO (pacing DR toward CS): I must tell her now, but how?
ROSALIND and ROMEO (colliding CS):
I must tell you now, but how?
I must tell you now. . . but how?
| SCENE 2 | (Breaking the news) Duet(s) between ROMEO and ROSALIND |
[NOTE: The next two duets may be shortened or combined or one omitted.]
“You Must Tell Me” (Optional)
(sung to “You Must Love Me”)
ROSALIND and YELL LEADER (fading OSL): What do you want?
ROMEO (sings to himself): My freedom. . .
ROMEO and YELL LEADER (fading OSR): What did you say?
ROSALIND (shaking her head): I’m pregnant, for sure!
ROMEO: How can I ask to break up with her?
(to audience)
ROSALIND: I’m scared to need him!
(to audience)
ROMEO (to ROSALIND): I’ve something to ask of you -
ROSALIND (spoken): You do?!
(sings, excited): The answer is YES!...if we’re thinking the same!
Tired of the stress of living in shame,
ROSALIND: ROMEO:
I bet you are, too! I guess I am, too!
ROMEO and ROSALIND: Forgive me, but I’ve been suppressing
Something I long should have said,
ROMEO: After we first started kissing,
ROSALIND (senses The last time we went. . .
his hesitation):
ROSALIND and ROMEO:
. . . to bed.
ROSALIND: I’m three months late.
ROMEO: (chickens out You’re what? (smiles, weakly) That’s great. . .
of breaking up w/her)
ROSALIND: I know you’re speechless, honey,
(holds his [But] life will reveal our future in time!
hand to When you’re in love, there’s nothing to hide.
her belly) It’s all in your mind!
ROMEO (nervously to audience): ROSALIND (softly to herself):
This music is great It’s hard to believe
for concealing that I’m singing
Words I’d prefer left unsaid! Words I could never have said,
ROMEO: Afraid that I might hurt her/your feelings!
ROSALIND: Worried you’d drop - down - dead!
You must tell me
Do you love me?
ROMEO: Hell, don’t ask me! {SECTION ENDS}
(half-spoken)
“I’LL NEVER, EVER LUST AGAIN” (Optional)
(sung to “I’ll Never Fall In Love Again”)
ROSALIND
(sings wildly How can you tell if it’s love or lust?!
to audience)
ROMEO: I didn’t mean to bust her cherry!
(to audience)
ROSALIND Can’t nature wait for us to marry?
and ROMEO: I’ll never, ever lust again!
(to each other) Why ever fall in lust again?
ROMEO: What does it take not to lose control?
ROSALIND: A long cold shower that runs for days, un-
ROMEO: Until you become a human raisin!
Why ever fall in lust again?
I’ll never ever lust again!
ROSALIND: Don’t tell me we could have a blast,
Enjoying lust while the feeling lasts!
ROMEO (sneaks Playing with fire, desire can blind you!
up from behind): Reality catching up behind you!
ROMEO: What do you do when you’re full of lust?
ROSALIND: You play naughty games to taunt and tease you!
ROSALIND
and ROMEO: Break all the rules, and hope that’ll please you!
I’ll never, ever lust again!
Why ever fall in lust again?
ROMEO: Justify lust and you’ll bust your brain,
Totally racked and blown to tatters!
ROSALIND: Blast every cell, and hell what matters?
ROMEO and I’ll never, ever lust again!
ROSALIND: I’ll never fall in lust again!
ROSALIND: Quit trying to escape the past,
Living life for now, ’cause it goes so fast!
ROMEO: Playing around is bound to misguide you!
(hands caress Anxiety building up inside you!
Rosalind’s belly)
ROSALIND What do you get when you fall for lust?
and ROMEO: You play stupid games to fool and tease you!
Break every rule, and hope that frees you!
I’ll never, ever lust again!
(in a final Don’t you know that I’d
embrace) Rather fall in love instead!
{SECTION ENDS}
“I’LL NEVER, EVER LUST AGAIN” (cont’d)
(sung to “I’ll Never Fall In Love Again”)
ROMEO and ROSALIND dance awkward ballet, her padding sliding around.
ROMEO (nervously to himself): ROSALIND (loudly to audience):
This music is great for concealing Funny I’m suddenly singing
Words I’d prefer left unsaid! Words I could never have said,
ROSALIND: Afraid that you might hit the ceiling!
ROMEO: Figured you’d want me dead!
ROSALIND: You must tell me
Do you love me?
ROMEO: It’s not . . . to be. {SONG ENDS}
| SCENE 2/3 | (Transition) ROMEO and ROSALIND, joined by MEN’s TRIO |
Still holding hands DC, ROSALIND doesn’t want to let ROMEO go. TRIO: BENVOLIO, MERCUTIO (rubbing his neck/shoulders), PORTFOLIO enter UL.
“ROSALIND’S LAMENT”
(sung to “Another Suitcase in Another Hall”)
“CHEER UP AND LET’S GO!”
(sung to “Eva Beware of the City”/“Goodnight and Thank You”)
ROMEO’s friends tease ROMEO to get him over his most-traumatic stress.
MERCUTIO: Do all your ex-girlfriends give you this much trouble?
PORTFOLIO: Cheer up, my dear boy, this is comedy!
(puts arm It’s not really real, but a silly political farce!
around ROMEO)
BENVOLIO: So let's join the gang at the “poetry thang”!
You think you’ve just had a big dose of pure tragedy,
MERCUTIO: Sadly it only gets worse!
ROMEO: Woe! BENVOLIO: Oh -
BENVOLIO taps ROMEO on opposite shoulder, making him look to his left.
BENVOLIO: O Romeo, brother, look on the bright side!
Though you seem kind of young for a dad,
MERCUTIO: At least you’ve got balls,
(gooses him and they’re both working fine!
from behind) You’re healthy!
PORTFOLIO: Be glad!
TRIO: Your future looks frightful! Your mind’s running wild!
But remember this African rule:
It takes a whole village to raise every child!
MERCUTIO: (And policemen to keep them in school!)
TRIO: There is no family that’s functional!
Never has been in human history a parent -
PORTFOLIO: Wed or unwed -
TRIO: Who didn’t freak out and give thought to adoption
To stop them from killing their children!
Let others support them! No need to abort them!
BENVOLIO: Or beat them!
MERCUTIO: Mistreat them!
PORTFOLIO: Or eat them!
TRIO: They’ll fend for themselves on the street at age twelve
With a gang for a family structure!
(shouted): JUST LIKE US! {SECTION ENDS}
| SCENE 3 | (Optional) ROMEO stares blankly; GANG tries a different tune. |
“KINSHIP”
(sung to “Friendship”)
“CHEER UP AND LET’S GO!” (cont’d)
(sung to “Goodnight and Thank You”)
TRIO: Do - what you love - and the ba-bies will fall - OH!
(swing ROMEO
back and forth)
ROMEO nearly falls, but is swung to his feet. BENVOLIO taps ROMEO on
opposite shoulder, who looks to the right side this time.
BENVOLIO: O Romeo, brother, look on the bright side!
Though you clearly weren’t using your brain,
MERCUTIO: You can still use your nads,
(and) To produce little lads!
PORTFOLIO: Just don’t screw up
(goose him from behind) And do it again!
TRIO: There is no family that’s functional!
Never has been in human history a parent -
PORTFOLIO: Wed or unwed -
TRIO: Who didn’t freak out and give thought to adoption
To stop them from strangling their children!
If you can’t support them, it’s best to abort them!
BENVOLIO: Don’t beat them!
MERCUTIO: Mistreat them!
PORTFOLIO: Or cheat them!
TRIO: They’ll get into drugs when they hang out with thugs
With a gang for a family structure!
(shouted): JUST LIKE US!
TRIO laughs. ROMEO bursts into tears. TRIO puts their arms around him.
MERCUTIO: Cheer up, my dear boy, this is comedy.
(softly, It’s not really real, but it’s merely political farce.
pleading)
PORTFOLIO: So let's join the gang at the “poetry thang”;
You think you’ve just had a big dose of bad writing,
BENVOLIO: Believe me, it only gets worse. . .
(to audience)
{SONG ENDS}
ROMEO AND TRIO exit together.
| SCENE 4 | (Poetry Group) Capulet’s living room, staircase UC, seats |
Juliet and friends gather for women’s Bible study, rudely interrupted.
“WOMEN’S PRAYER”
(sung to “Maria” from The Sound of Music)
DIANE: Corinth-yuns says that women should be silent in the church!
(sings)
JULIET: Ephe-zhuns gives permission to sing out liturgic words!
EDITH: But Revelation says no man on earth can change a verse!
WRITER: It doesn’t say a woman couldn’t do it!
JAN: That’s why the Bible starts so many wars -
IRIS: The writers . . . had to be from Mars!
ALL: How do you teach the Bible to a feminist?
Can it be made politically correct?
How can you find a term that isn’t sexist?
JACSUN: And doesn’t insult the masculine intellect?
WOMEN + Only in love are men and women equal,
BRENDA: Husband and wife submitting both to Christ!
WRITER: Imagine meeting a man, who can actually understand
(flipping That greedy men caused ALL this sacrifice!
thru Bible)
ALL: Oh, how can you teach the Bible to a feminist?
Violent bloodshed written down by guys? {SECTION ENDS}
WOMEN shake heads in despair. JULIET proceeds to next item on scheduled agenda.
“PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT”
(sung to “Dice Are Rolling”/“Goodnight and Thank You”)
JULIET: Ahem!
JULIET:
(sings) As announced on the air, we’re about to prepare
A SURPRISE -
DIANE: - SHH! -
JULIET: - fundraiser
To send Nurse Olivia. . . somewhere!
Like -
JULIET: Rwanda, BRENDA: Rwanda!
(counts Nigeria, EDITH: Nigeria!
votes by Uganda, IRIS: Uganda!
a show Liberia, JACSUN: Liberia!
of hands) Rwanda, DIANE: Rwanda!
Rwanda, JAN: Rwanda!
Or Zaire! WRITER: Or Zaire!
Again, WOMEN stare at the WRITER, obviously somewhere out in left field.
JULIET: Since last week we voted
On an open-mike poetry reading and public art auction,
I posted these flyers in Montrose inviting
All artists and writers to join us at this function!
{SECTION ENDS}
DIANE: Did you hear that?
BRENDA: You posted those WHERE?
EDITH: She invited a mob off the street!
JULIET: And not only that, it’s announced on the website!
[at w-w-w-houstonprogressive-dot-org!] {SECTION ENDS}
IRIS: Is she serious?
JACSUN: The street poets here are as starved
As half of the poor refugees in Rwanda!
DIANE: Those underemployed artists can’t be exploited
To try extorting more funding!
JAN: That’s like trying to pull yourself by the boot straps
When you don’t even have boot straps!
WRITER: Or the boots!
JACSUN: Or you’re vegetarian, and can’t use leather’n’
Other bovarian products! Sorry, toots! {SECTION ENDS}
“WOMEN’S PRAYER” (cont’d)
(sung to “Maria” from The Sound of Music)
BRENDA
(to JULIET): We know Olivia wants to serve the Lord. . .
JACSUN:
(to IRIS as It’s either preach to us, or preach abroad!
WOMEN giggle)
ALL: How can we send Olivia to Rwanda?
JAN: How do you hitch a ride across the sea?
ALL: How should we send Olivia to Rwanda?
BRENDA: As a registered nurse? Or
DIANE: Or as a missionary?
ALL: Many a friend, I know, would like to send her,
But only a few have got a dime to spare!
So who can pay her way? For as long as she wants to stay?
The Foreign Mission Board, or Africare?
O, how can we send Olivia to Rwanda?
Pray for a -
ALL: JULIET:
Way to send her over there! Wait a second - who goes there?
{SONG ENDS}
A rhythmic knock is heard at the door. JULIET jumps up to answer it.
“PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT” (cont'd)
(sung to “Dice Are Rolling”/“A New Argentina”)
DIANE: Did you hear that?
BRENDA: A knock at the door!
EDITH: Don’t answer the knock at the door!
JULIET (goes: But Communion with God is denied here to no one!
Toward door)
EDITH (stands): I came here to pray! Not make political statements!
WOMEN all clap and cheer. EDITH glares at them. They fall silent.
{SECTION ENDS}
In barges ROMEO with band of African drummers and street poets/artists.
MERCUTIO: Fancy duds, dear! Very period, but the makeup’s gotta go!
(to JULIET)
PORTFOLIO: Love that lampshade!
BENVOLIO: Is it Renaissance, or Retro?
PORTFOLIO: Look at the figurine!
ROMEO: Look at that figure!
JULIET: I’m Juliet.
ROMEO: I’m Romeo.
MERCUTIO: Where do we sign in. . .
BENVOLIO: . . . To audition. . .
PORTFOLIO: . . . For the art show?
JABARI: Eh-eh-ex-squeeeze me, but where’s the mike?
(interrupts I detect an incongruency! Where’s the list?
ROMEO/JULIET, [C’mon, lady!] Tell me where do we sign?
lock-eyed) I want to be the first in line! {SONG ENDS}
SET CREW set up microphone. JABARI RA goes first; ARTISTS, WOMEN mingle.
CROWD (chants): Jabari! Jabari! Jabari!
JABARI: Have you ever felt like the Rodney Kang of the Poetry Thang?
Like, ma-a-an! Can’t we all just get paid?
MERCUTIO: How about get laid?
The group hoots. The women blush or cringe. ROMEO silently introduces
JULIET to an artist JACKIE who has brought her two kids KATIE and KARY.
RAPTURE: Do “Hustler’s Convention”! Or “Poem for a Messy Lady”!
JABARI: Uh - uh - “Poem for uh - uh - Messy Lady”
DOUG (throws
a pillow): You are a mess! NEXT!!!
ISRAEL: “The Invisible Man”
(no one I saw the Invisible Man on a street corner in Chicago.
sees him) Then he appeared at a women’s poetry reading in Houston -
DOUG: I said 
!
Somebody! Anybody! Get up there and R-E-E-D!
(looks around)
IVAN: “Invisible Tears”
This poem I wrote to address racism.
In our city, on our streets . . .
STEFAN: Man, I don’t wanna hear no more racist trash!
Unless, of course, it’s actually funny -
JULIET: Miss Katie has a poem she recited in school.
JACKIE: Can you remember it honey?
KATIE: “What is Pink”!
What is pink? A rose is pink, by the fountain’s brink.
I think.
Uh, what is green? The grass is green,
I forgot the words in between!
I know it ends kinda strange:
“Why an orange, just an orange!”
KARY: Katie, that doesn’t rhyme!
JACKIE: She must have skipped some lines!
STEFAN: Let me guess: “What is pink? Rosé is pink!
Had too much to drink? Throw up in the sink!”
JULIET: I really don’t think -
BENVOLIO: How about: “What is pink? A triangle is pink!”
MERCUTIO: Tell the cops what you think,
Get thrown in the clink!
STEFAN: That’s “clinker,” you stinker!
KARY: I remember now! It goes “What is red? A poppy is red--”
STEFAN: Yeah, smoke it and you’re dead!
Try yoga instead!
JACKIE: Stop it, you fool!
GALVAN: Hey, lady, be cool! Like the sound of the beat!
(starts We’ll add a few drums, till you rise to yo’ feet!
to rap) C’mon guys -- y’ol’ bums -- Get up offa yo’ seats!
---------------“RACIST RAP: What is White?”---------------
(parody of “What is Pink? A Rose is Pink” by Christina Rossetti)
The group bangs on the furniture and props. The women start to groove.
Poets/artists take turns mocking racial stereotypes of themselves.
GALVAN (using lampshade as a megaphone): What is Black?
JABARI: A Brother’s Black!
ISRAEL: Shoot ’im in the back and say you were attacked!
GALVAN: What is Brown?
JOSEPHINE: Latino’s are Brown!
MARIA: Working underground to keep the price of labor down!
MERCUTIO: What is Red?
BENVOLIO: An Injun’s Red!
PORTFOLIO: Trade homesteads for prison beds!
NICKY: TELL - THEM - FEDS - ME - SCALP - THEIR - HEADS!
ROMEO: HEY! What is Green?
WOMEN: A Martian is Green!
ROMEO (to
JULIET): Our future can be seen in their FON-ky TIME machine!
HEIDI: What is Yellow?
HIRO: A Jap is Yellow!
BOTH: Suicidal fellow with a bid on Monticello!
MERCUTIO: What is White?
BENVOLIO: Why a White?
BOTH: WUSH is WHI-I-ITE!!!
(ALL stop banging) {SECTION ENDS}
LORD CAPULET enters, shouting down to JULIET from the staircase.
“SHAPE UP AND SHIP OUT!”
(sung to “Goodnight and Thank You”)
LORD CAPULET: Sakes alive! What’s going on here?
(sings) Aren’t you women instructed
To study the Bible in silence?
(booms) And NOT raise the ROOF!
JULIET: Daddy!
Come down and do for us
Your crazy spoof of Rush Limbaugh!
(to group) Nobody boo him, and I’ll try to cue him!
O, Father! You’ve come just in time! {SECTION ENDS}
---------------“RACIST RAP: What is White?” (cont’d)---------------
(parody of “What is Pink? A Rose is Pink” by Christina Rossetti)
JULIET: What is White? Why a White?
(cues group
to yell)
ALL: WUSH is WHI-I-ITE!!!
JULIET: And White makes Might and Might makes Right -
(cues CAPULET
who balks)
JULIET + And Left is Loose and Right is Tight!
WOMEN: They say two wrongs don’t make a right,
But take three lefts, you’re facing right!
TRIO passes the microphone. ROMEO, entranced by JULIET, misses his cue.
MERCUTIO: Yeah, White makes Right and Right makes Might
BENVOLIO: When folks abuse the Media to pick a fight!
PORTFOLIO: To you what’s Black to me is White!
ROMEO (ALL (pause, 1 beat)
stop clapping): Huh? Who?
STEFAN/KARY: A line’s left out!
JACKIE/KATIE: But that’s all right!
LORD CAPULET: Yeah, Rush is Right and Right makes Might!
(gives in, does And Straight is Gay - No! - That ain’t right!
his goofiest Stage-Right is Left, Stage-Left is Right,
Rush Limbaugh) So take three lefts and run the red light!
MERCUTIO and BENVOLIO, taking offense, nod to each other and stand up.
MERCUTIO: What is Blue?
BENVOLIO: A uniform’s Blue!
MERCUTIO and BENVOLIO turn and flash their backsides at LORD CAPULET,
revealing yellow comic/tragic theatrical faces painted on their boxers.
MERCUTIO+ I’ll read your rights to you,
BENVOLIO: While I bust yer stupid head in two! {RAP ENDS}
“SHAPE UP AND SHIP OUT!” (cont’d)
(sung to “Goodnight and Thank You”)
LORD CAPULET: Hey! Weren’t you at that gay riot today?
(sings, wildly) I remember those two “fairy-tails”!
(grabs them by Three cops were beat up in that terrible fray,
seat of pants) Throwing these "two-faced buttheads" in jail!
[Optional song reprise (see Appendix): "RADICALS!" (sung to "Savages!")]
JULIET: Listen, Da-
LORD CAPULET: No, Juliet! Listen to me!
(throws Get these art faggots out of my home!
them out)
JABARI (cheery): SHALOM!
LORD CAPULET: Hence! Idle creatures, go on, get you home!
(tossing out That is, if you DO have a 
!
PORTFOLIO)
WOMEN (exit There is no family that’s functional!
amidst chaos Never has been in human history a parent -
all around): Sane or insane -
LORD CAPULET: Begone all you bozo’s! You losers and homo’s!
And people of “diverse hormones”!
JULIET: Are all your friends homosexual?
(to ROMEO) Are you part of that scene?
ROMEO: Yes - I mean - No! It’s not what it seems!
I’m sorry we made such a horrible mess!
ROMEO + STACEY
+ WENDY (edging It’s time to get out, but we’ll give you a shout
him out to hit If you leave us your 
address!
on JULIET, too!)
[Optional song reprise (see Appendix): "RADICALS!" (sung to "Savages!")]
As JULIET watches, ROMEO is run out, his eyes never leaving hers. She
runs upstairs to her room in tears. PARIS pokes his head in the door.
PARIS (to Jesus Christ! What’s going on here?
CAPULET): You’d think your own daughter
would study the Scriptures in silence!
LORD CAPULET: You’re just in time, Paris,
(hugs him) My son-in-law-beau-fils,
The meeting erupted in violence!
(gestures Disrupted by hooligans, upsetting Julie!
upstairs) Why don’t you go comfort her poor heart!
(elbows him If you cannot heal it, perhaps you can steal it,
in the stomach) As fine, bright, and “upright” as you are!
PARIS: (doubled Not to step over . . .
over in pain, . . . the bounds of immodesty . .
barely able to sing) . . . Sir, in all honesty, thank you. . .
(suddenly perks up, winks, But. . . you’re right!
bounds up the stairs) {SONG ENDS}
| SCENE 5 | (Harassment) JULIET’S bedroom, and balcony/hallway outside. |
“ME!”
(sung to “You!” from Whoopee!)
PARIS: I’m the culmination of a thousand women’s dreams!
(sings) At dances one gyration brings down the house in screams!
(pause to hear screams outside)
A hunk my fellow henchmen, and Fr-r-renchmen long to be!
How long this song drags on dépènds
On no one else but -
(var. of “It’s Mi-Mi-Mi-Mi-ME! Re-Re-Re-Hoo-Ray!
De-Lovely”) Do-Sol-Mi-Do-La-Ti-Do-Re-
MI! Good Heavens! I’m everything! ME! Lovely ME!
I’ve been chosen by your cousin
As your husband just because’n
No one deserves you but ME!
JULIET groans. PARIS listens through the door, thinks she is swooning.
ME! The planet revolves around ME! Look at ME!
Ladies take note of my bod!
A hemi-semi-demi-god!
O sing in worship of ME!
PARIS runs behind the set, pops his head in and out of various objects
and furniture in JULIET’s room, faster than she can shut them again!
PARIS (from her
dresser drawers): I’m the laugh of the “sworee”/party!
(from her
jewelry box): Maxine Mesinger said!
(from a picture
frame on her wall): Is that why you abhor me?
(from between
pillows on bed): Because the publicity goes to my head?
(which JULIET uses
to swat the head of You’re jealous of ME!
PARIS, who runs
back to her door) Everyone wants to be ME! Lucky ME!
About me all the people yak!
(Too bad it’s all behind my back!)
They only wish they were ME! {SECTION ENDS}
“I’M GETTING SICK OF THIS FOOL!”
(sung to “I Get A Kick Out Of You”)
JULIET: His side of the story deserves to be heard,
But every last word from this nerd
Reduces to the absurd!
The only escape from this ape happens when
I go out to my balcony,
Blasting my fav’rite symphony
(orchestra So I can’t hear him calling me
booms ffff) With that %$#@ccent again!
I don’t get sick from champagne!
Chug any proof and I’m smug and aloof,
My spirits up but my stomach’s down,
So why am I SICK of this clown?
Have you removed a human brain?
It takes some guts to cut dead people up!
I’ve done it all in medical school,
Yet I’m sick to DEATH of this fool!
JULIET: This chick is sick of hearing:
PARIS: (forcing << JE T’ADORE! >>
way through door)
JULIET: His self-amour just bores me!
(pushes against it) It doesn’t help if I “shut the door”!
PARIS: I L’OEUF IT MORE WHEN SHE IGNORES -
{SECTION ENDS}
“ME!” (cont'd)
(sung to “You!” from Whoopee!
(var. of “It’s Mi-Mi-Mi-Mi-ME! Re-Re-Re-Hoo-Ray!
De-Lovely”) Do-Mi-Re-Fa-Mi-So-Fa-[Re-peats some awful
Do-Mi-Re-Fa-Mi-So-Fa-Re aria a cappella]
Do-Mi-Re-Fa-Mi-So-Fa-La-So-Ti-La-Do-Re-
MI! girls die when rejected by ME! Killer ME!
I’m a macho-mega-stud!
Stocks go up when I give blood
Donated by ME!
JULIET moans. PARIS listens through the door, thinks she is sighing.
ME! Hearts simply break over ME! (Merci ME!)
Husbands find it no surprise
To find their women making eyes
At ME! Magnificent/Magnificant ME!
PARIS runs behind the set, pops his head in and out of various objects
and furniture in JULIET’s room, faster than she can shut them again!
PARIS (from her
dresser drawers): I’m so sly and so stunning!
(from her
jewelry box): I was picked for this part!
(from between
pillows on bed): So critics/people would come running
(from a picture
frame on the wall): TO the play/”flic” to see an O-O-O-euvre DART!
(JULIET throws dart
at him like a target. They’d pay to see ME!
PARIS runs to audience,
giving signed photos) And die for a poster of ME! Signed by ME!
So few women ever rate
With me, that’s why I never date!
For who could deserve me, but ME! {SECTION ENDS}
“I’M GETTING SICK OF THIS FOOL!” (cont'd)
(sung to “I Get A Kick Out Of You”)
JULIET: His side of the story deserves to be told,
But this embarrassing Paris-thing
Is getting awfully old!
The only relief from my grief comes when I
(turns up stereo) Crank up my Eschenbach CD -
(aside) (A subtle plug for the symphony!) -
(orchestra booms So I can’t hear him calling me . . .
ffff the same horrid Oh, why do I even try!
aria PARIS blasts
in the background)
JULIET: Zis << cheek >> is << seek >> of ’earing:
PARIS: (forcing << JE T’ADORE! >>
way through door)
JULIET (mocking): His self-amooor just flooors me!
(pushes against it) It doesn’t help if I “shut the door”!
PARIS: I L’OEUF IT MOOORE WHEN SHE IGNOOORES M-
JULIET: (interrupts Does ANYONE HERE get SICK in a PLANE?
before PARIS launches Is it the RIDE?
into nauseating aria) Or the FOOD they pro-VIDE?
I’ve no ID-e-a, and don’t want to know!
What’s making ME SICK is my beau!
This belle isn’t well with that beau!
PARIS: Ma pet’s mal-de-tête
(sweetly) Est ce[t] bête! {SONG ENDS}
| SCENE 6 | (Balcony scene) JULIET’S balcony, with ivy and flower garden. |
JULIET groans, runs out to balcony, nauseous, waiting for PARIS to leave. ROMEO picks flowers to hand JULIET, who calls to him as his friends chase him down, wrapping him in a string of colored condoms.
“SHAPE UP AND SHIP OUT!” (cont’d)
(sung to “Goodnight and Thank You”)
TRIO: Son, don’t forget! Wrap that rascal!
(wrapping ROMEO,
running off)
JULIET: Are all those for me?
ROMEO: (offers Yes - I mean - No! Oh my, no, not these!
handful of condoms
instead of flowers)
JULIET: Does that mean you’d rather save those for your friends?
ROMEO: (aside) At this rate, she’ll find out about Rosalind!
(to JULIET) It’s not like that! It’s not how it seems!
{SECTION ENDS}
“SOMEHOW”
(sung to “Somewhere”)
JULIET: O Romeo, dear Romeo,
(sings) Do swear you’re not a . . . “homeo”!
Are you bisexual, gay, or straight?
Do I feel love, or hate?
ROMEO: Juliet, my sweet Sunset!
(unwraps Some things I cannot tell you yet!
himself) Please don’t bother to try and guess;
Give me time, and I might confess!
ROMEO: (louder) But not yet! JULIET: (softer) Romeo!
(softer) Juliet! (louder) I must know!
JULIET: You’d better not be a faerie!
ROMEO: I’ve heard you’re practically married!
JULIET: More or less . . .
ROMEO: If you’re wed, divorce thy mate
(climbs ivy In time for us to . . .(spots LORD CAPULET looking
to balcony) out another window, ducks from sight) . . . CAPULET!
(reaches his
hand to her) Until I may hold you without a glove
I’ll use my hand when I’m making love!
Juliet!
JULIET: Romeo!
ROMEO: I gotta go!
(half-spoken) {SONG ENDS}
ROMEO releases his grip on the ivy and falls, runs away. JULIET sighs.
“LOVER’S LAMENT”
(sung to “The Music of the Night”))
JULIET: (sings, Does he love me, or does the scoundrel love me not?
plucking petals That’s THE last STRAW! Are WE to be, or NOT to be?
until she holds
only bare stems) Do I chase him, or wait until I’m caught?
(half-spoken) How long will THAT take? Two acts? Or maybe even three?
{SECTION ENDS}
[NOTE: Juliet and Paris' two duets "I CAN'T TAKE NO!" and "ME!" may be
shortened/replaced/combined with "HE’S FINE FINE FINE!" (see Appendix).]
“I CAN’T TAKE NO!”
(sung to “I Cain’t Say No!”)
JULIET: It might be my rejection of how “ladies” ought to act;
I’ve been one of the boys since I was ten.
It doesn’t take geneticists to prove it for a fact
That girls like us grow up to be like men!
I know I shouldn’t fall into the trap,
But when the guy’s reluctant - I attack!
I’m just a girl who can’t take no!
My love life’s a terrible mess!
No telling just how far I’d go
To make a fellow say yes!
When a guy tries to run from a girl,
I know I shouldn’t chase him like before;
But as soon as someone runs from me,
It only makes me wanna grab him more!
I’m just a fool when boys are slow;
I can’t be patient and wait!
How can I do what I hate?
Next time just may be too late!
I can’t take no!
PARIS overhears JULIET, starts to despise and plot against ROMEO.
What’s a girl to do if the guy of whom she’s fond
Simply won’t respond? What’s a girl to do?
Suppose the handsome devil drives her totally mad
Like Hugh or Mel or Brad! (sigh) What’s a girl to do?
Suppose she’s after him, cuz he’s sexy and slim,
But he’s just a teensy bit too shy?
What’s a girl to do? Let him get away?
JULIET (spoken): I’d jump the guy! PARIS (spoken): I’d dump the guy!
JULIET (sings): I’m just a girl who can’t take no!
Can’t seem to take it at all!
I hate a disappointing beau
Who won’t make out in the hall!
For a while I act refined and cool,
About as “ladylike” as I can be!
Then I think of that old Golden Rule,
And do to him what I would have him do to me!
Don’t mean to “hit” on Romeo,
But if he starts to resist,
Refusing to even be kissed,
I’ll begin using my fist!
I won’t take no!
PARIS: What’s a guy to do if the girl of whom he’s fond
Refuses to respond? What’s a guy to do?
Suppose some other scum is running after ma belle,
(And he's sexier than Mel!) O what am I to do?
Suppose she’s after him, though her chances are slim,
Cuz he hangs around with “funny guys”?
What’s she gonna? Chase him anyway?
(spoken) Lady, I’d get wise!
THESE LAST TWO STANZAS ARE SUNG TOGETHER, ONE MEASURE OFF
PARIS (to audience): JULIET (fantasizing to herself):
I’m just a guy who . . .
. . . won’t take no! I’m just a girl who . . .
I play a hard and fast . . . . . . won’t take no!
. . . game! Men are the ultimate . . .
She can’t take off with . . . . . . game!
. . . Romeo Before he can tell me . . .
Once she takes on my last . . . . . . WHOA you HO!
. . . name! I’ll have him moaning my . . .
What BUBONIC virus . . . . . . name!
. . . would she catch Other girls enjoy an . . .
If the boy she’s crazy for is . . . . . . easy catch, but
. . . gay? other girls are missing half the fun!
PARIS: JULIET:
Why should I admire this You can bet I’ll get a
PARIS/JULIET:
Perfect match!
PARIS: The source of con-. . . JULIET:
flict in this sil- . . . Cuz I won’t quit
. . . -ly play! ’Til he admits I’ve won!
I’ll have to spy on . . .
. . . Romeo, I won't give up on . . .
But who on earth could I . . . . . . Romeo,
send?* I’ll have him down on his . . .
Tybalt, my very best . . . . . . knees!
. . . friend! So I can do what I . . .
He’d die for me in the . . . . . . please!
. . . end! Whether or not he agrees!
He knows I don’t take no! Lord knows I don’t take no!
*(spots TYBALT below, following after ROMEO’s friends) {SONG ENDS}
| SCENE 7 | (Gay gay-bashing bash) ROMEO and friends, in playground/park |
“TWO LITTLE GAYS (HOW COOL ARE WE)”
(sung to “Three Little Maids (From School Are We)”)
“SHOUT IT LOUDER”
(sung to “Why So Silent”)
ROMEO: Could you both be louder, please,
(sarcastic) For the patrons in the back?
So whoever’s creeping up on us
Can sneak up and attack? {SECTION ENDS}
WENDY and STACEY come skipping in, as gaily as the male couple before.
“WHO’S AFRAID OF A HOMOPHOBE”
(sung to “Who’s Afraid of the Big, Bad Wolf?”)
WENDY + STACEY Who’s afraid of a homophobe?
(a cappella):
STACEY to WENDY: A homophobe?
BOTH (spoken): Not we by Jobe!
(sing): But we know a homo-phobia-phobe:
Ro-me-o-me-o! {SECTION ENDS}
“NUTS!” (sung to “Notes”)
ROMEO: Sorry guys - girls - Stacey and Wendy!
(politically Just looking out for you guys - I mean . . . friends!
correcting (spoken) This is nuts!
himself)
MERCUTIO + Relax, Romeo!
BENVOLIO, Why, don’t you know
STACEY/WENDY: We know what you mean!
MERCUTIO + So forget
+ BENVOLIO: Those Capulets!
+ STACEY + Those hopeless homophobes
+ WENDY: Are more afraid of us! {SECTION ENDS}
PORTFOLIO jumps out from behind bushes, scattering CHORUS into position.
PORTFOLIO: BOO!!!
“GAYS AND DYKES”
(sung to “Guys and Dolls”)
MERCUTIO: Who’s hanging ’round the art bar?
(jumps up I’ll tell you who’s hanging ’round the art bar:
onto fountain) A bunch of bisexual boys so
hot for a gang of trisexual girls
They use up enough condoms to cover up an art car!
THAT’S who’s hanging ’round the art bar!
BENVOLIO: What’s in the Montrose Voice?
(jumps up) I’ll tell you what’s in the Montrose Voice:
A personal ad from some transsexual
STILL in transition
Cuz “he/she/it” DIDN'T wanna make a CHOICE!
THAT’S what’s in the Montrose Voice!
STACEY + What’s happening in Houston?
WENDY: I’ll tell you what’s happening in Houston:
(also jump up) Kids coming out of the closet to get
back at the parents who abused ’em!
ALL FOUR: THAT’S what’s happening in Houston!
You gotta recognize ’em to resist ’em,
(ALL dive down) Or you’ll fall another victim to their system!
MERCUTIO: Yes, sir, when you see a guy
Dressed like ME! walking by,
You can tell that the fellow is really gay!
PORTFOLIO: When you spot some snot with a feminine name,
Chances are he’s a flame
Who’s playing a game
Dolling up like a dame!
BENVOLIO: When an older gent
Is still sharing his rent
With a man not related in any way -
TRIO: Are they just saving money?
Or is something about them “funny”?
No surprise th’guys turn out to be bi’s or gays!
WOMYN: If you know a co-ed
Who’s shaven off half her head,
If she’s pro-vegetarian, she’s a DYKE!
STACEY:
(stage (If she won’t go out but she’s not saying much,
whisper) You’ll find out she’s a femme
Forsaking all men
For one special “butch”!)
WOMYN: When your daughter dear
Chains her nose to her ear,
WENDY: Or your son’s into black lace and high-heel spikes,
ALL: Pray to God, pray to Heaven,
Or just wait around “twenty-four/seven”
’Til they outgrow the phase of being gays or dykes!
TYBALT approaches the group. MERCUTIO/BENVOLIO confront him, playfully.
MERCUTIO: (holds When the “shaft” you sport
ROMEO’s sword to Comes up three inches short,
TYBALT’s dagger) Betcha get so oh so desperate you’ll turn gay!
TYBALT: (lifts If a guy sings high like his pants are too tight,
MERCUTIO by seat You can tell he enjoys
of pants, swings The prettier boys
at ROMEO/BENVOLIO) To romance at night!
BENVOLIO: When a crazy man
Has gotten way outta hand
Trying to prove he can do anything he likes!
PORTFOLIO: Don’t be fooled by this pretender
So “hard up” about his own gender
That he takes out all his hate on gays and dykes!
ROMEO: (shouts) YIKES!
(sings) Better stop he’s lost his breath!
This is a matter of life and death!
ALL [out war]: And it’s no longer an issue of “gay” or “straight”
Or love or hate! Too late!
Now’s the time to fight to the death!
ROMEO and CHORUS of friends dance/fight with TYBALT, forming a thick mob
of people, while crash dummy dressed as TYBALT is tossed about overhead.
ALL: Don’t be fooled by those pretenders
So uncool about gender-benders
That they take out all their hate on gays and dykes -
(shout) YIKES!!!
{SONG ENDS}
Crowd parts to find TYBALT trampled flat to just his heart and his hat.
ROMEO is horrified; his friends react innocently, playing with the prop.
“HIS HEART IS BEATING”
(sung to “Dice Are Rolling”/“Goodnight and Thank You”)
BENVOLIO: Alas, poor Tybalt!
MERCUTIO: Alas, my ass!
BENVOLIO: We slew him, Mercutio!
MERCUTIO: I know!
BENVOLIO: Who’da thought that mean old dog
Would contain so big a heart
PORTFOLIO: Much less a bloody soul!
{SECTION ENDS}
MERCUTIO: Hark!
PORTFOLIO: ROMEO (half-shouting):
It’s alive! Don’t touch that!
BENVOLIO: It’s still beating!
MERCUTIO: Pray tell!
STACEY: How it pounds!
BENVOLIO: And it very much sounds
BENVOLIO Like a watch
+ WENDY: Enveloped in cotton!
PORTFOLIO: It sounds more like drumming!
ROMEO: I hear sirens coming!
MERCUTIO: Or a beeper goin’ off in the Wortham!
STACEY: Sorry, my dear, but Shakespeare’s spoken here!
(to WENDY) And Andrew Lloyd Webber -
(ALL stop to put hats/hands over their hearts in a moment of reverence)
- not Edgar Allan Poe! [swats BENVOLIO]
ROMEO: {SECTION ENDS}
(spoken) Quick!
(sung) Wipe that look off my shirt and your hands on my face -
(they stare)
(spoken) - I mean,
(sung) Get that blood on your face and that look off your hands -
(they stare)
(spoken) - I mean - {SECTION ENDS}
MERCUTIO + Romeo, don’t try to take all the guilt!
BENVOLIO: For once give us some credit, man!
ROMEO: If you go to jail, you’ll get jumped, raped, or killed!
So exeunt as fast as you can! SCRAM! {SECTION ENDS}
“ROMEO’S CONFESSION”
(sung to “Angel of Music”/“The Music of the Night”)
BENVOLIO (to MERCUTIO): Who will believe that he did it?
MERCUTIO (shouts to BENVOLIO/Audience):
He’s the lead in the play! They'll forgive it!
(ALL nod in agreement) {SECTION ENDS}
At ROMEO’s urging, his friends leave him alone to pick up pieces. As he
collects the last of TYBALT’s heart in his hands, POLICE handcuff him.
ROMEO: Tybalt’s right to
Peaceably assemble
Lies in my two
Hands that shake and tremble!
POLICE enter, wearing conspicuous bandages from the riot.
BADGE #1: Hands we must restrain for
BADGE #2: Until you’ve been arraigned, sir,
BADGE #3: We might have to detain you overnight,
ALL: While reading you your list of legal rights! {SONG ENDS}
(take-off on Phantom theme: horrifying chords in minor chord, screams)
POLICE unfold accordionated lists, and escort ROMEO in cuffs to circle
three spotlighted area: LADY CAPULET DR, ROSALIND UC, and JULIET DL.
LADY CAPULET screams in horror at a TV news broadcast, crying out for
TYBALT. ROSALIND tears through a frontpage newspaper article, cursing at
ROMEO. JULIET, studying with headphones on, suddenly reacts in shock;
stops to turn her radio up, calling the names of both TYBALT and ROMEO.
[OPTIONAL INTERMISSION SOMEWHERE BEFORE OR AFTER HERE]
KPFT RADIO VOICE: “. . . in a hearing today argued that the victim of
the beating was not killed but nearly put to death, thus calling for an
unprecedented “near-death” penalty for the defendant. Montague could
either face lethal injection in Huntsville, Texas, or be transferred to
Arizona and sentenced to die of natural causes in a remote desert . . .”
| SCENE 8 | (Jail) ROMEO and jailhouse gang (dressed in Clockwork Orange- style derbies and boots, with black and white prison strips and Bibles) |
“Texas Executioner”
(sung to “Lord High Executioner”)
“ARIZONA!”
(sung to “Oklahoma!”)
#696: You shoulda looked ahead before you took a life!
#844: I’d shoot myself before the execution date!
#731: Who’s really gonna kill you is your future wife!
GANG: You’re safer moving to another death row state!
ALL/ROMEO*: A DEATH ROW STATE!!
ROMEO: HIDE ME FROM MY MATE!!!
*(suddenly realizes the seriousness of the situation)
#696/731/999011: They’ll lethally inject you and leave you in a coma!
#696/731/844: Desert you in the desert to die of carcinoma!
#696/731/844/927: Confine you to the canyon where the lizards run!
#999039 (wistful): You’ll have your own room with plenty of sun. . .
#879/990/889/942/983: Plenty of sun for a PERMANENT tan!
ROMEO: SHE’LL TAN MY HIDE WHEN SHE HEARS OF THIS PLAN!
ALL: Arizona! Where the tumbleweeds roll across the plain!
ROMEO: GHOSTS:
ARIZONA? ARIZONA!
ALL: And the blazin’ heat can burn your feet
If you stand there waiting for the rain!
ROMEO: GHOSTS:
THAT'S SO INSANE! IT'S ALL IN VAIN!
ALL: Arizona! “Arid Zones” that zoom without a stop!
GHOSTS: THIS AIN’T VERONA!
ALL: See the vultures flock! And lawyers balk,
Going ’round in circles ’til you drop!
GHOSTS: WHILE CRIME IS RISING TO THE TOP!
#731: You’re welcome to live off the land!
GHOSTS (shout): PURE SAND!
#696: But to die takes a “Royal Command”!
GHOSTS (shout): GOD’S HAND!
ALL: So when they say -- (unison with Ghosts) -- NAY!
WE’RE GIVING YOU A STAY!
That means they’re gonna send you away to Arizona,
{1st time): Arizona, to stay!
(2nd time): Arizona, to stAy-R-I-Z-O-N-A, in Arizona!
ALL (shout): OLÉ! {SONG ENDS}
ROSALIND rushes in flourishing newspaper headlined "ROMEO CONFESSES."
Gang runs for cover in game of musical mats, leaving ROMEO without one
to hide his hide, while the rest tremble visibly beneath their own.
“ROSALIND’S TIRADE”
(sung to “Why So Silent”/ “The Music of the Night”)
ROSALIND: What’s the father of MY child doing in JAIL?!
(sings/screams) {SECTION ENDS}
MEN (heads pop out to yell): HIS TIME! (and pop back under)
ROSALIND: I scoured the city just to find your hide
On the front of the stinking Chronicle!
MEN (spoken): That’s Houston Chronicle, (lady)--
ROSALIND
(roars at them): RARRGGHHH!
What kind of quality of life would you provide
For our child? Or would you be there at all?
ROSALIND rolls up the newpaper into a funnel and draws out a huge sword.
ROSALIND: Must your swords continue to devour?
Wrecking lives, competing -
ROSALIND: MEN (yell):
- over power? EXCALIBUR!
ROSALIND aims sword threateningly at ROMEO's groin, who jumps back.
ROSALIND: Your manhood is your god, yet you forge a larger rod!
As if boasting bigger weapons makes you right!
Such mighty men, and all you do is fight!
ROSALIND stabs at ROMEO between the bars, while he dodges the blade.
ROSALIND: Must you JAB and JOUST and gamble WITH your LIVES,
Never ONCE thinking of the consequence?
What of your mothers and sisters and your wives? (sad pause)
Who must survive your bloody violence?
(strings flare wildly in the orchestra pit)
ROSALIND: I SAID “VIOLENCE” NOT “VIOLINS”!
(screams at
orchestra director)
(enraged Though your friends deny it, I suspect them!
at ROMEO) If I find you're lying to protect them,
(gestures This baby won't be born!
with sword at Was your statement duly sworn?
her pregnant belly, then
right at ROMEO's nose)
ROSALIND/ROMEO (cross-eyed):
To the judge? the cops?
ROMEO: What difference does it make?
I can't swear!
I'm an atheist, for God's sake! {SONG ENDS}
“A TIME FOR TRUTH”
(sung to “A Time for Us”)
ROSALIND: A time for truth, there has to be!
My mind is blown
By what you’ve shown
Of dishonesty!
The dreams that you’d be by my side
Have perished
With you in jail for heartless homicide!
ROMEO: You have my word!
Between two friends!/To save my friends,
I raised my sword
In self-/their defense!
I wish a simple lie would work
That out of love,
I'm only covering for Ben and Merc!
But Tybalt's death was due to me!
His last breath
Of life was my responsibility!
ROMEO lowers his head. ROSALIND is silent. {SECTION ENDS}
“ROSALIND’S OUTRAGE”
(sung to “Angel of Music”)
ROSALIND: (sweetly at Romeo, do you expect me - to believe those
first, then outraged) ridiculous lies/lines?
Your grammar suspiciously perfect,
Full of puns and rhymes?!
How dare you insult me! I’m not stupid!
You’ve obviously practiced for weeks!
How else could you sing to Broadway showtunes?
Who wrote the words you speak?!
ROMEO: I defended my friends, please believe me!
ROSALIND (to MEN): This sounds like a plot in a movie!
{SECTION ENDS}
“ROMEO’S PLEA”
(sung to “Notes”)
ROMEO (dodging blade): It was self-defense! Tybalt struck out first!
ROSALIND (attacking): That's a lie! Your lines are too well-rehearsed!
ROSALIND lunges straight at ROMEO, pinning his vest to pin-up poster.
ROMEO: They would try to pin even more on me
If I denied liability!
ROMEO collapses flat on the ground, leaving his vest hanging.
ROSALIND: You're always standing up for others,
(pats tummy) Except this little one of ours,
Which I'll handle myself!
ROMEO: (on his knees, I can always help --
slowly climbs back As the dad!
up, grabbing bars)
ROSALIND: I’d rather choose abortion!
ROMEO: That’s extortion! Try adoption!
ROSALIND: Not an option! Who’ll support one?
ROMEO: I’ll endorse one for my baby!
ROSALIND: You can’t force me! You can’t make me!
ROMEO: No, of course not!
ROSALIND/ROMEO: Cuz you're/I'm stuck behind these bars! OUCH!
{SECTION ENDS}
ROSALIND slashes across cell bars with sword, scoring ROMEO's fingers.
“SOMEHOW” (Reprise)
(sung to “Somewhere”)
ROMEO: Hey, Ros! Relax, it’s just a show!
(wringing We still have one more act to go!
his hands A happy ending to anticipate!
in pain) What can I say to make you wait?
ROSALIND: Speak the truth! It’s not too late!
However long it takes to say’t!
But tell me now, make it loud and clear!
ROSALIND goes ballistic with sword, swinging it like a baseball bat.
One more strike, and you're OUT, my dear!
Out of my LIFE!
Out of my SIGHT!
OUT OF MY MIND! {SECTION ENDS}
“ROMEO'S PLEA” (Reprise)
(sung to “The Music of the Night”)
ROMEO (stutters): I - I . . .
As sword swings, ROMEO yelps (take-off on Phantom chords), men scream.
ROMEO: Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay! {SECTION ENDS}
ROMEO: Yes, I confess! I did not do the crime!
I lied - I was trying to buy my friends time!
To find a good lawyer to cover their butts!
They’d suffer in jail with a crowd that’s this tough!
MEN (cowering under their mats): Who, us?
ROMEO: I promise to bargain, tomorrow I’ll plea
Some sorry excuse such as insanity!
ROSALIND: You already promised you’d forsake the rest
But you put me last at the baby’s expense -
after your friends -
I feel worthless!
{SECTION ENDS}
“ROSALIND’S COUPLET”
(sung to “Raoul I’ve Been There”)
ROSALIND: This little child I can’t bring myself to bear
Now that I know that the father won’t be there.
{SECTION ENDS}
ROSALIND breaks down in tears and exits SL, running. JULIET emerges SR.
“A TIME FOR TRUTH” (Reprise)
(sung to “A Time for Us”)
ROMEO: A time for truth, a time to lie!
I lose both ways!
It never pays!
Why should I try?
JULIET:
(enters) A time for trust I have that you
Stand accused
Of random acts of God you didn't do! {SECTION ENDS}
“JULIET'S GRIEF”
(sung to “The Music of the Night”)
JULIET: Could these hands which stroke so very gently -
(kisses ROMEO's
hands gingerly)
ROMEO: OUCH!
JULIET: Strike and kill a man bel-li-ger-ently?
(breaks
into sobs)
ROMEO/JULIET: Shall the sword continue
(devouring DEVOURing every sinew
each other) Of life? And bring us sadness in the END?
(grabbing each
other's rear ends)
JULIET (stops to breath): O Romeo . . . give me my sin again!
How long till you’re cleared of killing my kinsman?
(sobs Tybalt was my poor mother’s dearest friend!
uncontrollably) His death! Such great havoc doth it wreak!
(may be spoken): I’ll have no tears left to cry on-stage next week!
{SECTION ENDS}
“SOMEHOW” (Reprise)
(sung to “Somewhere”)
ROMEO: O Juliet, now please don't fret!
(sings) You're getting half my costume wet!
Is there nothing that I can say
To make our problems go away?
JULIET: Romeo, please don't say no!
We must go on like any Broadway show!
ROMEO: Won’t these bars come between us, dear?
ROMEO releases JULIET, grabs bars trying to bend them. Lost in desperate
passion, JULIET kisses ROMEO's chest, downward to right below his belt.
JULIET: Just the one that you keep in here!
Romeo!
INMATES, in derbies, slowly rise under sheets to form erect phallic
symbols, which collapse when JULIET echoes Rosalind's name in hurt
disappointment, leaving no trace of the men, who have become ghosts.
ROMEO: Rosalind!
JULIET {SECTION ENDS}
(shouts): ROSALIND?!
JULIET knocks ROMEO down, as phallic symbols collapse completely flat.
“A TIME FOR TRUTH” (Reprise)
(sung to “A Time for Us”)
JULIET: A time for truth, what doth remain!
(sings) What little’s left
Has all but cleft
My heart in twain!
ROMEO: O throw away my false disguise!
My future
Relies on telling truths to cover lies!
It’s Rosalind!
With her I’ve been!
She holds my only next of kin!
I put my trust alone in you
To save the babe
She’d surely trade
For a “lot of rue”!
JULIET: True love will triumph in the end!
ROMEO/JULIET: I love you!
JULIET: The mother of your child must be my friend!
{SONG ENDS}
As lights dim, JULIET sings, caressing ROMEO. They slide to the floor.
“JULIET'S COUPLET”
(sung to “Raoul I’ve Been There”)
JULIET: With all my heart, I will do what I must do,
(sings) For any part of you is part of me, too.
{SECTION ENDS/Lights out}
ROMEO (spoken): Uh, Juliet, honey - not that part!
[Optional love scene in the dark (see Appendix) - married couples only!]
| SCENE 9 | (Chapel) LADY MONTAGUE rushes prayer request to NURSE OLIVIA in the chapel, has vision of ROSALIND in the throes of morning sickness. |
“SOMEHOW” (Reprise)
(sung to “Somewhere”)
“I’M GONNA THROW-UP!”
(sung to “I Gotta Crow!)
LADY MONTAGUE: I can see my own son - all the things he has done!
(sings) I hear Rosalind calling for me!
ROSALIND: SON-OF-A-Bleeeaaahhh-CH
(vomits
in anguish)
LADY MONTAGUE: She’s losing her baby! My son is the father-to-be!
ROSALIND: I’m gonna RETCH!
(screams)
(sings) I’m gonna throw-up!
Pregnant with some rotten remnant of Romeo
Who knock’d me up!
A wimp of a man, a real-life Peter Pan
Who will never grow-up!
I wanna throw-up!
I’m gonna hurl!
I’m hoping that maybe I’ll puke out [t]his baby -
A boy or a girl!
A product of sin/bastard like him is the last thing
I’d wanna bring into the world!
I’m gonna hurl!
NURSE OLIVIA: I don’t want to hear it!
Evil spirits! Satan be gone!
Jesus is the Word!
You must pray in the name of the Son
(to be heard)!
LADY MONTAGUE: O dear Romeo!
Why didn’t you bother to tell your own mother
Of Rosalind’s woe?
NURSE OLIVIA: By praying, milady, we’ll save the poor the baby
And rescue the show!
LADY MONTAGUE: By God, Romeo! I gotta know!
ROSALIND: I’m gonna throw-- (smoke rises, lights fall)
NURSE OLIVIA: Let God and let go!
LADY MONTAGUE: NO, ROSALIND, NO!
(runs OS) {SONG ENDS}
NURSE OLIVIA: “. . . Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done
(finishes On Earth as it is in Heaven.
reciting the Give us this day our daily bread
Lord’s Prayer) And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil . . .”
(sings Baptist For Thine is the Kingdom,
Doxology) And the Power and the Glory
Forever! A-men!
Lights dance around the room, focus on NURSE OLIVIA’s Bible, and fade.
| SCENE 10 | (Apothecary’s outdoor stand) Townfolk square-dance in protest |
“ABORTIFACIENT DRUGS”
(sung to “My Favorite Things”)
“JULIET INTERVENES”
(sung to “The Music of the Night”)
JULIET: Romeo asked me to come intervene!
(sings to ROSALIND)
ROSALIND: (jerks Leave it to that jerk to spill all the beans!
around, spills jar of
beans sitting on shelf)
JULIET: I can’t let you do this!
(kneels with ROSALIND
to pick up the seeds)
BROTHER AUSTIN: (and She can if she wants!
CLINIC DEFENDERS step up)
JULIET: As a friend, I must stop you --
(stands, cornered)
ROSALIND: (knocks My FRIEND? Are you NUTS?!
over jar of legumes) {SECTION ENDS}
“PRO-CHOICERS AND PRO-LIFERS”
(sung to “The Farmer and the Cowman”)
TOWNFOLK: Pro-Choicers and Pro-Lifers can’t be friends!
There’s no way to compromise or make amends!
PRO-LIFERS: YOU'RE DENYING MOTHERHOOD!
PRO-CHOICERS: WE DEFY BIG BROTHERHOOD!
TOWNFOLK: That’s the reason why it never ends!
Church and State shouldn’t hate each other!
Why take sides and fight like fools?
PRO-LIFER: One controls the House and Senate!
PRO-CHOICER: One controls the Public Schools!
APOTHECARY: I’d like to have a Word with the preacher
(to Who worships at my clinic every morn,
PRO-LIFER) Bombarding us with pamphlets and with prayer:
You make us wish that YOU were never born!
PRO-LIFER: I have to laugh at all you Family-Planners
(to Who’d kill to stop the overpopulation!
APOTHECARY) Supporters of abortion
should die off in gr-R-REAT proportion!
By genocidal self-annihilation!
(crowd cheers/boos) (SECTION ENDS)
“NUTS!” (Reprise)
(sung to “Notes”)
PRO-CHOICERS: Why don’t you Holy Bible-thumpers
Stay in Sunday School where you belong!
PRO-LIFERS: We have freedom of speech to petition each
One of you
Liberal Left-overs from the sixties!
BADGE #1: (to
BROTHER AUSTIN) Keep the peace please!
BADGE #2: No more riots!
BROTHER AUSTIN: Keep it quiet!
PRO-LIFERS and If you censor
PRO-CHOICERS: That’s unfair!
(converge upon Who really cares
each other) About decorum!
NURSE OLIVIA: BROTHER AUSTIN:
This is not the proper forum This is NOT a public forum,
NURSE OLIVIA: BROTHER AUSTIN:
For a prayer! It’s a song! {SECTION ENDS}
“BACKLASH BOYS!”
(sung to “Masquerade”)
WOMEN’S DRUM
CORPS (enters): Back-lash Boys!
Better check your attitude!
Look who’s comin’!
PRO-LIFERS:
(recoil in fear) ANGRY WIMMIN!
WOMEN’S DRUM CORPS: Drummin’ down the avenue! {SECTION ENDS}
(break into cadence): Backlash boys! Better lose your attitude!
Look who’s comin’! Drummin’ down the avenue!
As WOMEN drum UC, POLICE keep the sides separated CR and CL, almost
breaking loose, flailing at each other. JULIET takes advantage of the
distraction to pull ROSALIND DL, who shakes her head at every plea.
“PRO-CHOICERS AND PRO-LIFERS” (cont’d)
(sung to “The Farmer and the Cowman”)
BROTHER AUSTIN: Can Pro-Choicers and Pro-Lifers make amends?
Can’t we make the Choice to Live like normal friends?
PRO-LIFER: DON’T PLAY GAMES WITH PARENTHOOD!
APOTHECARY: DON’T INVADE MY NEIGHBORHOOD!
TOWNFOLK: And maybe we’ll have peace when all this ends!
(break through
police barrier
to square-dance) Church and State shouldn’t hate each other!
Why take sides and fight like fools?
PRO-CHOICERS: Money runs the Private Sector!
PRO-LIFERS: God belongs in the Public Schools!
TOWNFOLK: Life and Choices go together!
Church and State must stop this fight!
PRO-LIFERS (leap-
frog from US to DS): Over Reproductive Freedom!
PRO-CHOICERS
(from beneath): Under the Religious Right! {SONG ENDS}
{Stop unsafe abortion practice: 1-800-203-1950 Laura Morgan; 713/961-7500 Women’s Injury Network.
Prevent unwanted abortion: 800-TNN-4MOM The Nurturing Network}
“JULIET’S PROPOSAL”
(sung to “The Music of the Night”)
TOWNFOLK help each other up, shake hands, slip off behind the set. NURSE
OLIVIA gathers signs/hands props to BROTHER AUSTIN who carries them OSL.
JULIET: (kindly Take your time in reaching a decision.
to ROSALIND)
ROSALIND: I WON’T be preached at by a Pro-Life Christian!
I have the right to choose any herb I wish to use!
ROSALIND: JULIET:
To abort the bastard child Don’t abort the last in line
Of Montague’s! Of Montagues!
ROSALIND: Back off! I’ve had enough . . . verbal abuse!
(cries on
JULIET’s shoulder)
JULIET: What if . . I gave . . . my consent to marry
(hesitantly) Paris? And adopt the child you carry?
ROSALIND: I’m scared to make that choice!
JULIET: Listen to your inner voice!
ROSALIND: (as if It tells me to respect you as a friend . . .
hearing two voices) . . . but not to trust another man again!
How do I know I won’t become a single-mum
If your marriage to Paris doesn’t last?
Is he stable? Or just another bum?
JULIET: I’m sure he’ll tell you
ALL about his past
(aside, Before you even have to ask!
rolling eyes) {SECTION ENDS}
“JULIET’S COUPLET (Reprise)”
(sung to “Raoul I’ve Been There”)
JULIET: I’ll marry Paris, if that’s what I must do
(regretfully) To save the heir of my true love, Montague!
{SECTION ENDS}
Curtain, sets, lights suddenly change. ROSALIND, startled, runs OSR,
NURSE OLIVIA follows behind. LORD CAPULET bursts in with BROTHER AUSTIN,
hugs JULIET. Townfolk re-enter, chatter, change into wedding costumes.
| SCENE 11 | (Capulet’s Garden) Capulet’s, townfolk rehearse wedding scene |
“LORD CAPULET REJOICES”
(sung to “Dice Are Rolling”)
“JULIET’S REFUSAL”
(sung to “Notes”)
JULIET: Daddy, please, not now!
That isn’t how the company
Agreed to stage this!
It’s outrageous!
LORD CAPULET: You’re just rebellious!
JULIET: I’d say, well/hell, yes!
But I won’t put up with changes,
(as script is Rearrangements,
handed to her) In the middle of the . . . script.
JULIET stares in horror, flips pages to vault scene, realizing her doom.
PARIS (barges in DL, << OU-ere EEZ she? >>
with huge bouquet)
JULIET: I better hide!
(dodges OSR)
PARIS: My future bride!
LORD CAPULET (chases after JULIET OSR): PARIS:
Come BACK here! << Where EEZ she! >>
CAST: (turning into She’s off-stage-right!
wedding GUESTS)
PARIS: We must get married!/We better find her!
PARIS/LORD CAPULET (drags JULIET back to DC):
Before milady/the lady changes her mind!
PARIS stops BROTHER AUSTIN from sneaking off OSL, backs him into JULIET.
LORD CAPULET: Brother Austin!
(takes script YOU recite the lines!
from JULIET, hands
to BROTHER AUSTIN)
JULIET: O Brother Austin!
Can’t we rehearse this?!
BROTHER AUSTIN: I’ll try to stall them,
(stage whisper, But can’t reverse this
fumbling script) Once you’re joined as husband and wife!
LORD CAPULET: So - Pre - pare to marry Par - (is)!
JULIET: That isn’t fair -- it’s not your business!
LORD CAPULET: Yes, it is, miss!
(escorts PARIS US
to greet GUESTS)
JULIET: (to Is there no way
BROTHER AUSTIN) Out of this mess?
BROTHER AUSTIN: We could play
That famous vault trick,
(checking script) But that scene
Looks awful morbid!
JULIET: I would rather
Be left for dead
Than to be wed
To that character/Paris-guy for life!
{SECTION ENDS}
“PAST ALL HOPE"
(sung to “Point of No Return”)
JULIET: Past all hope for help, or cure!
(aside) From hell or heaven!
Our wedding once it’s done can’t be undone!
No way out of this - damned/darned - spot!
Except deception!
I should have run away back in Act One!
(to audience What verse would Shakespeare have me say?
and BROTHER Should I argue, curse, or pray?
AUSTIN, still Or shall I join him in the graveyard?
consulting script)
(to BROTHER Please delay the wedding scene
AUSTIN, pleading And make them practice!
while he shakes While Romeo buys time inside the joint?
his head) [’Til we straighten out this plot,
Somehow I promise!]
PARIS:
(to JULIET, It’s time that you and I
while BROTHER Were join’d! {SECTION ENDS}
AUSTIN joins
the GUESTS US)
“PARIS’ PROPOSAL”
(sung to “All I Ask of You”/“Notes”)
PARIS: Are you ready . . . for a lifetime marriage?
(sings) Man and wife in Christian servitude?
JULIET: Not with you!
(sarcastic)
PARIS: (signals Ahem!
orchestra director
to start again) Are you ready for a lifetime marriage?
JULIET: I would rather marry Montague/
(woefully) /I’m in love with fair young Montague!
PARIS: His days are few!
(regretfully)
JULIET/PARIS: Could we/Why not make our contract . . . temporary?
PARIS: At least we’d have a half a honeymoon! {SECTION ENDS}
’Tis better to have loved and lost
Than lost out all together!
(melodramatic) It’s so tragic! And so grievous/Quelle une pity!*
To miss out on such a treasure! *[some French phrase]
JULIET (blushes): That’s so sweet of you to say that,
PARIS (kissing her hand): JULIET:
I was Paris!
Talking about me instead of you! (jerks hand away) {SECTION ENDS}
PARIS and JULIET tango DS. BROTHER AUSTIN stalls for time, deliberately
misdirects the wedding GUESTS US, who dance into each other, as well as
the sets, knock down flowery streamers/banner, and get tangled in them.
“LIFETIME MARRIAGE”
(sung to “Love and Marriage”)
WEDDING GUESTS: Lifetime marriage, lifetime marriage!
PARIS/JULIET:
(as he dips her) More outdated than the horse and carriage!
JULIET: (twirls) Why be like our mothers?
PARIS: Mad at Dad for chasing others?
WEDDING GUESTS: Lifetime marriage, lifetime marriage!
PARIS/JULIET: Prison bars around the baby carriage!
PARIS: Trapped in guilt from Grandpa!
JULIET: Taken hostage by your Grandma!
JULIET/PARIS +
WEDDING GUESTS: Try to pick a perfect partner and family tree,
(who run smack But if you should make an error--
into a tree)
WEDDING GUESTS: LORD CAPULET (yells):
STOP-- STOP!!!
GUESTS stop to re-assemble, as the affair dissolves into utter chaos.
JULIET/PARIS (a cappella): Or you’ll commit adultery!
(continue to
sing without Lifetime marriage, lifetime marriage!
WEDDING GUESTS) False delusions that we must disparage!
If we love each other,
We’ll let go if we need another! {SECTION ENDS}
“PARIS’ PROPOSAL” (cont’d)
(sung to “All I Ask of You”)
PARIS: (gracefully Why did you agree if you don’t love me?
lifting JULIET)
JULIET: I promised Romeo and Rosalind
I’d do anything to save their baby,
But she doesn’t want to raise his child!
PARIS: (bravely, I’ll counsel them until they’ve reconciled!
dropping JULIET
to preach boldly Any mother and father should remain as one!
to audience) /should preserve their bonds!
JULIET: (picking If not lovers, at least they should be friends!
herself up slowly) For the sake of their daughters and their sons!
PARIS: (helping So they’ll be one happy family in the end!
JULIET to her feet)
JULIET (slyly): Would you visit Romeo and Rosalind?
And discuss the matter of adoption?
All she needs to know
Is you’re not like Romeo!
PARIS: Of course not! I’m a finer man than he!
JULIET: Convince her, and I’ll gladly marry thee!
(kisses his cheek) {SECTION ENDS}
“LIFETIME MARRIAGE” (cont’d)
(sung to “Love and Marriage”)
LADY CAPULET (dabbing eyes): Lifetime marriage, lifetime marriage!
(as GUESTS twirl/roll up Bless-ed joy for Juliet and Paris!
in both ends of a banner) What a lovely couple!
LORD CAPULET: Perhaps he’ll keep her out of trouble!
JULIET: Contract marriage!
PARIS: Short-term marriage!
JULIET/PARIS: Our only hope to stop a forced miscarriage!
A lover's knot may sever,
But friendships ought to last forever!
WEDDING GUESTS:
(in one big bundle) And tight-knit families stick together!
{SONG ENDS}
| SCENE 12 | (Chapel/Tybalt’s deathbed) SPLIT STAGE: One side, PARIS encounters ROSALIND hiding in Chapel; One side, NURSE OLIVIA tends to LADY CAPULET at TYBALT’s deathbed, where his heart is hooked to amps. |
“PARIS MEETS ROSALIND”
(sung to “Stranger Than You Dreamt It”/
/“The Music of the Night”/
“Angel of Music”/“Dice Are Rolling”
“CLOSING COUPLET"
(sung to “Raoul I’ve Been There”)
LADY CAPULET: Olivia? Is there nothing we can do?
(sings) /Please tell us what to do!
NURSE OLIVIA: Just read your Scriptures
(carefully studies And your stage directions, too!
script, checking
references in Bible) {SECTION ENDS}
“MARRY ME!”
(sung to “Grow for Me”)
[DIALOGUE SPOKEN DURING INTRO MUSIC:]
PARIS (spoken): You’re perfect for me, Rosey!
(grovels at Say you’ll be mine,
her feet) And I’ll do whatever you ask me to!
ROSALIND: Except get lost!
PARIS: I’ll stay at home with the kids and be a househusband!
Whatever Baby wants! Whatever Milady needs!
ROSALIND: I need you to leave!
PARIS (sings): O Rosalind, darling!
(kisses hem Don’t treat me like dirt!
of her skirt)
ROSALIND: You’re getting your slobber
(yanks it away) All over my skirt!
PARIS (spoken): O Baby, that hurts!
(sings): I beg of you sweetie!
ROSALIND (spoken loudly): Oh, not this again! / O, God! Not again!
/PARIS (aside, softly): /My sweet honeybun!
PARIS (sings): I’m down on my knee!
ROSALIND (spoken loudly): I’ve had it with men!
/PARIS (aside, softly): /Cuz I know she’s the one!
PARIS (sings): O please, marry me!
ROSALIND (shouts): NO!!! (slaps PARIS away)
(sings): I’m already I’m pregnant
With some other man!
PARIS: The dumbest mistakes are
Still part of God’s plan!
ROSALIND (spoken,
through gritted teeth) Let go of my hand!
PARIS: A voice deep inside you
Is crying for me:
(spoken, baby-talk) DAD-DEE! DAD-DEE!
So please, marry me!
LADY CAPULET: Olivia cancelled her mission to be by your side!
(to TYBALT/ We put you on fancy machin’ry to keep you alive!
TYBALT’s heart) I promised your mom as her sis
I’d treat you as if you were mine!
I’m not asking for proof,
But the least you can do for me,
Tybbie is gimme a sign! {SECTION ENDS}
A bright light flashes, then blackout. As LADY CAPULET sobs, face down
on the bed, TYBALT appears as a spirit, carrying a lit candle to her.
“SET ME FREE!”
(sung to “Let It Be”)
TYBALT (sweetly): Should I find it in my heart to tell her?
(shocked, as he holds What other part is left of me?!!
candle to heart machine I’M ON MY WAY TO HEAVEN -- SET ME FREE!
amplifying his voice) Ahem!
Somehow I don’t think she heard me,
Though she’s sitting right in front of me!
+ AMPS/HEART MACHINE: AUNT CAPPY! MAKE ME HAPPY! SET ME FREE!
Let me be! Let me be! SET ME FREE! SET ME FREE!
They’ve wrestled me to pieces!
Now let me rest in peace!
LADY CAPULET: You were born at such a young age,
(blind with grief) And your mother died in infancy!
I’ll kill you if you leave me! Come back to me!
TYBALT: My mother long departed
Wouldn’t want to see you grieve for me.
Both Heaven and Hell can hear you!
Why the hell can’t you hear me?
TYBALT/AMPS: SET ME FREE, LIKE THE BREEZE!
LET ME PLEASE REST IN “PIECE”!
You’re making me feel guilty!
Stop it please!
TYBALT/AMPS: SET ME FREE! SET ME FREE!
LADY CAPULET: Stay with me! Stay here with me!
(sees/grabs TYBALT)
TYBALT: I’ll go right off to Heaven
If you’d get your hands off me!
AMPS/HEART MACHINE solo with synchronized “vital signs”. LADY CAPULET
slowdances with TYBALT. Half-way through, TYBALT glances at his watch.
PARIS: Marry me! Marry me!
ROSALIND: Let me be! Paris, please!
PARIS: I’ll take care of Baby,
If you’d only marry me!
I know you’re broken-hearted,
You’re afraid to take a chance on me.
ROSALIND: The baby’s dead in spirit -- let me be.
Oh, Paris! You’re so perfect
You deserve a perfect family.
(PARIS embraces her instead)
PARIS: I need someone who needs me!
Marry me -- Please?
PARIS: Marry me! Marry me!
ROSALIND: Let me be! Let me be!
I’m a fallen woman, can’t you see?
ROSALIND: Let me be!
TYBALT: Set me free!
PARIS: Marry me!
LADY CAPULET: Stay with me!
PARIS: (falling all I’m the one who’s fallen for you,
over ROSALIND, his Ros’lind, marry me!
head on her belly) {SECTION ENDS}
(spoken): Wait! I think I hear an extra heartbeat!
PARIS reaches across the set to grab Nurse Olivia’s stethoscope.
ROSALIND: (strokes It’s probably just the blood rushing through
his hair) (spoken) Your thick . . . lovely skull.
[INTRO MUSIC REPRISES AS HEART MACHINE/STETHOSCOPE HOOKED TO AMPS ECHO:]
AMPS: OO, SHA-LA-LA-LOO: LUB-DUB! LUB-DUB!
OO, SHA-LA-LA-LOO: LUB-DUB! LUB-DUB!
PARIS: Here! Listen!
(lets ROSALIND hear
through stethoscope)
PARIS/ROSALIND: TWINS!!!
ROSALIND bursts into wails of agony; PARIS cries for joy, embraces her.
TYBALT: Aunt Cappy, I don’t know what else I can say to you.
(spoken) Are you listening at all, or are you just being stubborn?
LADY CAPULET: Oh, Tybbie! You can’t leave me now!
Not when Olivia’s been praying for you!
“MARRY ME!”/“LET GO OF ME!” (Reprise)
(sung to “Grow for Me”)
TYBALT: Olivia’s praying for you, not for me!
I can’t get to Heaven, ’til you set me free!
I urge you to purge me from Purg-a-tor-y!
Now, please! Let go of me!
LADY CAPULET (spoken): NO!
(sings) I don’t want to lose you!
Stay here with me please!
TYBALT: But dying is healthy! It’s not a disease!
And life will continue . . .
(holds spotlight/candle to PARIS/ROSALIND, making out)
. . . through new families!
So please, let go of me!
I can’t be reborn as a child/angel
In the Kingdom of God!
As long as you scorn resurrection/at “recycling”
As some kind of fraud!
My heart has been torn out already!
Don’t tear it to shreds!
I’ve had more than enough
Of this suffering stuff!
Can’t you see that I’m better off dead?
LADY CAPULET: You’re right. I’m being selfish.
(spoken)
TYBALT: Oh, please! Oh, Oh, Oh, . . .
AMPS: OH, OH, OH, . . .
TYBALT: PLE - E - EASE!
PARIS/ROSALIND: She SAID YES!
(spoken)
TYBALT: (fades as Let . . . go . . . of . . . me . . .
LADY CAPULET releases him)
{SONG ENDS}
Single spotlight moves from TYBALT’s heart to ROSALIND’s belly.
HEART MACHINE/AMPS pump out 8-beat ending spin-off of “Let It Be”.
[INTERMISSION or Optional Reprise of PARIS/ROSALIND’s duet “I’m Gonna
Throw-Up!” (may also be placed at end of “It’s Adultery” garden scene)]
“I’M GONNA THROW-UP!” (Reprise)
(sung to “I Gotta Crow!)
PARIS (to ROSALIND By the sun << et la lune >> and << les étoiles >>,
as intro music YOU are the love of my life!
begins): The most beautiful creature! The loveliest of --
ROSALIND: Paris?
PARIS: Yes, love?
ROSALIND (sings): I’m gonna throw-up!
I was doing fine (got that jerk off my mind)
Then you had to show up!
I wanna throw-up! (retches)
PARIS (spoken): Anything I can do to help (with--)?
(removes hat)
ROSALIND: NO!
PARIS: I thought marriage was an equal partnership!
You’ve been sick long enough -- now it’s my turn!
ROSALIND: PARIS:
What? We’ll switch places, trade roles!
PARIS (sings): Now I feel it, too!
ROSALIND (spoken): YOU?!
PARIS (spoken): I do!
PARIS (sings): The burden you bear is a joy if you share it
With somebody who --
ROSALIND (spoken): Is CRAZY!
PARIS (joyfully): Crazy for you!
ROSALIND (sings): There’s no way to lick this
Morning sickness! Try as you might!
PARIS (sings): I want equal rights!
If it means spilling out my insides
(aside, in pain) Every night!
PARIS/ROSALIND: So -- Just like a pearl
(sing) Deep in the oyster
We’ll greatly/later rejoice
PARIS: For a boy --
ROSALIND: Or a GIRL!
PARIS/ROSALIND: ’Til Heaven looks down
And an Angel has found
PARIS: ROSALIND:
He has entered the world, SHE has entered the world,
PARIS/ROSALIND: We’ll both sit around
And hurl!
(they retch together) {SONG ENDS} To Garden Scene
| SCENE 13 | Jail/playground (may be projected on video screen) ROMEO, in a dream of out-of-body astral projection, haunts scene of the crime. |
“ON THE STREET WHERE YOU DIED”
(sung to “On the Street Where You Live”)
“THE MOST HORRIBLE DREAM”
(sung to “The Impossible Dream”)
ROMEO: I dreamed the most horrible dream!
(sings) I faced the most fearsome of foes!
The shame that would punish injustice
With blame so the violence grows!
JULIET: You must clear your name of this wrong,
So your case won’t drag on for so long
That I’ll have to marry poor Paris,
Who sings more unbearable songs!
(sits up,
belts out): I’d rather DIE than live with that JER-Kuh!
ROMEO: Don’t joke about DYING, you’ll drive me BERSER-Kuh!
JULIET: I’ll fake mine own death! I’ll hide in the vault!
(overly Till you’re cleared of this capital/earth-shaking* crime
passionate) that was never your fault! *(grabs bars, shakes
For I know if I only have faith the cheap, flimsy set)
that this nightmare will cease,
When you’re free you will come back for me
when I’m resting in peace... {SECTION ENDS}
“STAR-CROSSED COUPLET (Reprise)”
(sung to “Raoul I’ve Been There”)
JULIET (rests her
head against bars): You will rescue me, won’t you Romeo?
ROMEO (spoken): “Ppbbfftt!”
(sings): Now, Juliet! I’ve gone as far as I can go!
{SECTION ENDS}
“WORLD WITHOUT WAR”
(sung a cappella to “Part of Your World”)
ROMEO (sings): How many Romeo’s and Juliet’s
Have tried this before
And died RIGHT on the stage set?
A glamourous/passionate scene for the screen,
But what does it mean?
Has the world changed? Or risen above
The notion of killing and dying for love?
[Or has it grown used to the shedding of blood?]
That’s not for me!
We must live to see
A world without war!
JULIET (amazed): How can you believe
In justice and peace
And not be Christian?
Or live day to day
Not knowing the Grace
Of God’s Holy will?
ROMEO (frantic): How shall this play end?
Shall we be remembered
As a couple of “star-crossed cadavers”?
JULIET: But we’ll do it diff’rent!
ROMEO: -- Over my dead body!
You’ll get us both killed!
JULIET: How many Juliet’s and Romeo’s
(to audience) Get stuck in relations unequally yoked?
Will I be a “lady-in-waiting” all of my life?
Till I see the day God touches his heart
The ultimate act of faith on my part!
Until he’s reborn, how can we be joined
As husband and wife?
ROMEO: How can you believe in “equality”
And call yourself “Christian”?
When only the few who worship like you
Are worthy to save?
JULIET (spoken, in tears): You know that’s not true!
ROMEO: If I take your cue, will I find myself “blindly led to Heaven” -
What’s this leading into? Am I being sent to some premature grave?
JULIET (bats eyes): Have some faith, Romeo! Please, just for once!
ROMEO (gives in): All right -- but ONLY if I ABSOLUTELY MUST!
ROMEO (touches her face): JULIET:
I’ll try this again This time our plans
to please you -- will come through,
And risk my own life! We must get it right!
{SECTION ENDS}
“THE MOST HORRIBLE DREAM (cont’d)”
(sung to “The Impossible Dream”)
ROMEO: But the world better thank us for this,
(sings) That our love so exploited for years
Will finally come to fruition
In the glorious name of-
JULIET (perks up): The Lord? Jesus Christ?
ROMEO: No, silly!
(sings) SHAKESPEARE!
{SONG ENDS}
Disappointed, JULIET sighs, rests her head back down.
[Optional Reprise of love scene in the dark 
see Appendix]
| SCENE 14 | (Court) LORDS/LADIES CAPULET/MONTAGUE argue with JUDGE/JURY/ LAWYER/DIRECTOR/WRITER over ROMEO’s fate until armed PAROLEE interrupts. |
“KANGAROO COURT”
(sung to “Notes”/“Prima Donna”/“Rainbow High”/“Rainbow Tour”)
“PAROLEE'S LAMENT”
(sung to “Waltz for Eva and Che”)
PAROLEE: [BANG!]
(fires gun Oh, how I’d kill to get fifty years!
in the air, But my civil rights interfere
waves it, as Since every jail is overcrowded!
cast freezes, Don’t give me no mandatory release!
dives for cover Condemning me to a life on the streets!
in audience/court) Please trade me back for Romeo! {SECTION ENDS}
“TAKE ME BACK TO MY PRISON”
(sung to “Take Me Back to Manhattan”)
PAROLEE: The more I roam
(sings to Without a home,
court/audience) The more I walk the street,
The more I become convinced of the fact
That prison can’t be beat!
(OS sound of someone getting beaten up)
These black and white stripes
Look good on my types,
And when I’m on parole,
I pester the pastor to save me a place,
For ’e sure can’t save my soul!
Send me back to my prison!
Take me back to my cell!
I’m just longing to see once more:
Four solid walls and a cold, hard floor!
Tell my friends and my family:
Don’t waste your money on bail!
I miss the hot meals, the bunk-beds,
The drug deals with them blockheads!
’Til I’m sent right back to my prison,
My bed-and-breakfast jail!
Take me back! Take me back!
Take me back, cuz I wanna go back!
To my rough but ready, ratty, rent-free jail!
{SECTION ENDS}
ALL: Mass chaos in the Kangaroo Court!
The director's wasting all his breath!
The gavel goes bang, the verdict still hangs
On where to go with Romeo
While the jury cries:
JURY: Death! and Life and Death! and Life and Death!
FOREMAN: And Life!
{SECTION ENDS}
JUDGE: Order! Order in the Court!
DIRECTOR: I’ll take a cheeseburger!
JUDGE: In the State of Chaos -- I mean -- Texas vs. Montague!
DIRECTOR: “Kangaroo Court” -- Take 6, Page 54, Act 3, Scene 2!
{SECTION ENDS}
“JUDGE, YOUR HONOR”
(sung to “Prima Donna”)
JURY: Judge, Your Honor, of Southern District Court!
(or The jury’s hung. We hold our tongue by the Fifth Amendment!
FOREMAN) We’d rather see both the families agree
What to do, and reach a true agreement!
JUDGE: Petition granted! Now clear it from my court!
The time is short, and my humor runs dry!
No more guns, drop your swords!
You’ll use much kinder words
To mediate, negotiate, build a friendship!
LORD MONTAGUE: What?! Objection!
LORD CAPULET: Monsignor of the Court!
LADY CAPULET: Your Majesty!
LADY MONTAGUE: Most Exc'llency!
LORDS + LADIES CAPULET/MONTAGUE: Royal Highness!
JUDGE: It's foolish to duel!
LORDS CAPULET + MONTAGUE: How unusually cruel!
LORDS + LADIES CAPULET/MONTAGUE: We'd rather you would jail us
LADIES CAPULET + MONTAGUE: Or fine us!
{SECTION ENDS}
“TAKE ME BACK TO MY PRISON” (cont’d)
(sung to “Take Me Back to Manhattan”)
PAROLEE: Tell the judge and the jury
(holds Don't waste free housing on them!
DIRECTOR I need the hot meals! A warm bed
at gunpoint) More than these arguing blockheads!
Get Romeo out of prison!
And throw me back instead!
(to JURY/
AUDIENCE) Take me back!
JURY: MONTAGUE/CAPULET/DIRECTOR:
Take him back! Take him back/Kick his ass!/Kiss my ass!
PAROLEE: Take me back!
Cuz I wan - na - go - ba-a-a-ck . . .
To m-y-y-y pent - house prison!
Take me back instead!
JURY stands, applauds wildly; PAROLEE bows, blows kisses.
{SECTION ENDS}
JUDGE: For the LAST time, I want order! Order --
(to DIRECTOR): Don’t EVEN think about saying it!
JUDGE: In the case of Texas vs. Montague!
DIRECTOR/JURY: “Kangaroo Court” -- Take 7, Page 56 -- No, 55!
(tossing script): Whatever! It’s Act 3, Scene 2! {SECTION ENDS}
“JUDGE, YOUR HONOR” (cont’d)
(sung to “Prima Donna”)
JUDGE: Ladies! Lords! Restore order in my court!
My temper’s short, and this scene’s running long!
No weapons, no swords!
You'll make peace, using words
Not for fighting, but uniting in song!
{SECTION ENDS}
“MEDIATE”
(sung to “Masquerade”)
JURY: Mediate!
Make peace! Negotiate!
Why litigate?
Don’t let the state
Dominate communication!
Mediate!
Seeking freedom, healing hate!
Alleviate!
Don’t debate!
No more anger and frustration!
LORD MONTAGUE: Legal fees!
LORD CAPULET: Precedence!
LADY MONTAGUE: Can’t buy peace!
LADY CAPULET: Or innocence!
WRITER/LAWYER: Attorneys!/Appendices!
JUDGE: Evidence!
DIRECTOR: Guilty pleas!
ROMEO: In self-defense!
ALL: Justice
Takes a walk
Take a walk
Money talks Through a huge Takes a lot!
But can it Revolving An endless
win your case? prison door! paper chase!
{insert links to mediation resources:
conflict resolution training: 747-9999 TX AVP (workshops);
1-800-569-4054 (manuals); 526-TALA TX Accts & Lawyers for Arts}
JURY: Mediate!
Praise God it’s not too late!
State your case!
Don’t be afraid
To convey your own opinion!
Arbitrate!
(If you cannot mediate!)
Separate
Church and state
From your personal dominion!
JULIET enters in spirit, or voice over PA; whispers in her father’s ear.
JULIET: Mediate!
Change the world! Restore your faith! (hugs LORD CAPULET)
Celebrate!
Congregate
And create a real solution! (JULIET disappears)
JURY: Advocate
Harmony instead of hate!
Free the state!
Unlock the gate
To a global revolution!
LORD CAPULET: Juliet?
(looks around)
JUDGE: Montague!
(points gavel) Capulet!
We’ll start with you!
LORDS CAPULET/
MONTAGUE: (point Why with us?
to their wives) Why not them?
Ladies first!
LADIES CAPULET/
MONTAGUE: Silly men!
JUDGE: I’ll lock you in my Judge’s Chambers!
Day and night
While you fight/
LORDS/LADIES: /We’ll only fight!
CAPULET/MONTAGUE: /They’ll only fight!
JUDGE: ’Til you learn to make peace,
Or it’s contempt of -- Court / LORD CAPULET: Lord,
{SECTION ENDS;
BLENDS INTO NEXT}
“JUDGE, YOUR HONOR” (cont’d)
(sung to “Prima Donna”)
JUDGE:/LORD CAPULET: -- Court/Lord, have Mercy!
LORD MONTAGUE: Official of the Court!
LADY MONTAGUE: Your Majesty!
LADY CAPULET: Most Exc'llency!
LORDS + LADIES CAPULET/MONTAGUE: Royal Highness!
JUDGE: It’s stupid to duel!
LORDS CAPULET + MONTAGUE (to Judge): How unusual! And cruel!
LADIES CAPULET/MONTAGUE: We'd rather you would jail us
LORD MONTAGUE (quickly correcting them): Or fine us!
LORD CAPULET(to Director in background): I'm Lord Capulet!
I will not leave this set, till my civil rights are respected!
JUDGE/DIRECTOR: Lords and Ladies!
Be quiet in my court/Please exit from the court!
DIRECTOR: Life is too short! Can’t we all get along?
JUDGE: No bullets, no swords!
You’ll make peace - mark my words!
JUDGE/DIRECTOR: Now hurry, and finish this song! {SECTION ENDS}
DIRECTOR How can anyone expect me to direct
(aside): A pack of starving actors crammed upon a set?
A lawyer, judge, and jury!
Parents in a fury!
(ducks Felon on parole
gunfire) (No sense of gun control!)
A writer whose song lyrics
Seem to mix Tom Lehrer, Timmy Leary,
And expanding chaos theory!
People may be used to one or even two
But not a four hour musical!
JUDGE/DIRECTOR: Lords and Ladies, why mince your syllables?
This play needs action, not overlapping
Operatic retorts! Since the
Play producer’s budget can’t afford the wealth
To pay for all the damage to my mental health,
JUDGE: Remove this case from -- [pause]
JURY: Remove this man from -- [pause]
DIRECTOR: Remove this scene from -- [pause]
JUDGE/JURY/DIRECTOR: My Court! / The Floor!! / The Score!!!
{Entire cast and crew collapse or storm off the set, leaving one critic
standing in the audience, clapping wildly} CRITIC: EN-CORE!!! {SONG ENDS}
| SCENE 15 | (Vault) Loud scene change from court to vault, where JULIET and BROTHER AUSTIN get trapped due to faulty set design, surrounded by corpses on slabs labelled with names of dead Shakespearean characters. |
“NUTS” (Reprise)
(sung to “Notes”)
“DO YOU CALL THIS A VAULT?”
(sung to “All I Ask Of You”)
JULIET: (holds up Really, Brother Austin!
a penlight)(sings) Do you call this a vault?
BROTHER AUSTIN: We spent too much on costumes!
(holds lit candle, These props are all we’ve got!
bloody rubber arm,
wooden cross, chisel)
JULIET: (picks at What is THIS -- a COBWEB?
fluffy white stuff, What names are on those slabs?
flashes light across
to other side of stage) (reading) Ophelia?
BROTHER AUSTIN: And Hamlet!
JULIET: MACBETH?
BROTHER AUSTIN: The entire gamut!
{SECTION ENDS}
“THE DEMON OF BAD OPERA”
(sung to “The Phantom of the Opera”/“The Music of the Night”
“Wouldn’t It Be Loverly”/“Think of Me”)
OPHELIA: (suddenly The penis mightier
sits up, sings) Than any sword,
A tool of human lust
Still thrusting forward!
From noble birth in wombs,
To death in tombs
(tosses locket toward What tar-get are we nameless lords and la-dies
HAMLET, who catches it Aiming toward?
with his upstretched arm)
HAMLET: I could have married you,
Brought forth some lads,
But for bad karma with
Our hopeless dads!
Why pass the same disease to newborn cells?
HAMLET/OPHELIA: ’Twas bet-ter half the cast of Shakespeare’s tragedies
Abort themselves/Destroy ourselves!
{SECTION ENDS}
ROMEO’s image: Forgive me, Father, for I know I’ve sinned
(projected on wall) Out of lust for busty Rosalind!
But don’t you forgive that Paris-gent!
’Til he repents of his sexual harassment!
BROTHER AUSTIN: Romeo? Praying to God? Since when?
(clutches his chest) {SECTION ENDS}
JULIET’s image: All I want is a tomb somewhere
Full of skeletons/mannequins and
Stagnant air! (coughs)
More bones than I can bear!
O isn’t it cadaver-ly?
Lots of deadbeats for company!
Lots of headstones surrounding me!
All labelled R, I, P!
O isn’t it cadaverly! {SECTION ENDS}
JULIET: Romeo? No, it’s a ghost -
(confused) If that’s me, am I still here?
Or am I dead?
This must be a dream
Of future things I fear!
GHOUL: Fear nothing, Juliet, ’til I arise:
The Demon of Bad Poetry appears
Before your eyes! {SECTION ENDS}
GHOUL waves his cape, vault door slides shut. BROTHER AUSTIN collapses.
JULIET: Help me unscrew this plywood from its sticking place!
(grabs chisel, Brother Austin must see the Nurse at once!
attacks the set) Hey, guys! If this is your idea of fun,
(to set crew): I ain’t laughing! Your jest is in poor taste!
GHOUL: (wrestles I find it hard to keep holding a straight face!
with his mask,
about to fall off) {SECTION ENDS}
“SOMEHOW”
(sung to “Somewhere”)
JULIET: O Romeo, dear Romeo!
(still What I go through for you, Romeo!
tries to You had better my instructions get,
pry boards Unlike the losers/pranksters who built this set!
loose) Or this whole plan
Is fouled up yet!
{SECTION ENDS}
GHOUL: What’s foul is fair,
(creeps up What’s fair is foul!
on JULIET) From Molière
To Ginsberg’s Howl!
They say talk is cheap,
But there’s a price for free speech! {SECTION ENDS}
GHOUL spreads open his red/black cape, bathing the vault in blood-red
light, revealing corpses standing on their slabs. BROTHER AUSTIN faints.
JULIET: You mean that hell is just a world
(her back Of tragic poetry and prose?
the wall)
GHOUL: Worse! It’s putrid verses
Set to songs from ANYTHING GOES! (cackles)
{SECTION ENDS}
“HADES HOP”
(sung to “Heaven Hop”)
GHOUL leads chorus of tap-dancing DEMONS in a cappella “exorcise” class.
GHOUL: Down in Hades’ wretched portals
Where the torture never stops
[CHORUS shrieks]
All the suffering immortals do
A dance call the Hades Hop!
In our subterrestrial center,
It’s the only dance we do!
To enroll your soul and enter,
Just sing: BO-O-O!!!
CHORUS joins in: BOO-BOOP-EE-DOO!
Raise your spades and set them digging,
Lift your feet and get them jigging!
Start right now and do the Hades Hop, Hop, the Hades Hop!
Wag your tail, but keep it level!
[Or: Shake them hip bones, keep ’em level!]
Let your shoulders gently swivel!
If you want to tease the devil, take up the Hades Hop!
*When the demons rant on, like they’re doing yoga!
Kneel and chant on / [2nd time: Chant their mantra],
Then get up and shake your toga!
Let that stress possess your bod-y
Then confess (spoken): “the devil’s got me!”
[2nd time: See how easy? Nothing to it
(spoken): “When the devil makes you do it!”]
Start right now and do the Hades Hop, Hop, the Hades Hop!
[DANCE, repeat * with var.]
Start right now and do - the - Hades -...- HOP!
/NURSE OLIVIA: HALT! /JULIET: STOP!
DEMONS flee at the sight of NURSE OLIVIA, who revives BROTHER AUSTIN.
“STAR-CROSSED COUPLET” (Reprise)
(sung to “Raoul I’ve Been There”)
NURSE OLIVIA: Come! Let’s away, while your candlelight still burns.
(motions to JULIET)
JULIET (sadly): I’ll wait right here, till my Romeo returns.
{SECTION ENDS}
“WORLD WITHOUT WAR” (Reprise)
(sung a cappella to “Part of Your World”)
JULIET (alone How many Juliet’s and Romeo’s
in the dark): Get stuck with a partner unequally yoked?
Will I be a lonely old maid the rest of my life?
(candlelight out) {SECTION ENDS}
| SCENE 16 | (Judge’s Chambers) LORDS CAPULET and MONTAGUE are locked up until they make up. They sit at a chess table, taking turns very slowly. |
“DUELING DADS”
(sung to “She’s a Diamond”/“New Argentina”, etc.)
“YOU’RE A FLOP”
(sung to “You’re the Top”)
CAPULET: At mowing you low, I’m such a pro!
And I’ve always found I’m bound
Not to pussyfoot around,
But cut you down, right to the ground!
I love parading my crude berating
That will leave you with a scar,
And though my song is not too long,
At least it will speak of how WEAK you are!
You’re a flop, you’re a total joke!
(Ask your pop if the condom broke!)
You’re a social bum, a hopeless scum, you’re trash!
You’re a screechy wiper, a dirty diaper with diaper rash!
You’re the pits, you’re the worst disgrace!
You’re the zits on a greasy face!
A pompous poser ’bout to close up shop!
You’re a ZERO from the bottom to the top!
MONTAGUE: Your snarling, darling, ain’t worth the quarreling!
On the other hand, boy, you stank,
And with each complaint you crank,
My interest shrank, and down it sank!
Some wimpy “yes-man” with the Houston Press can
Give you a good review,
Their critic department must be hard up,
[OR: Their theatre staff must be blind and daft]
Cuz I don’t see what they see in you!
You’re a flop, you’re a mangy mutt!
You’re what drops from a hippo’s...behind!
You’re the slime I’d wipe off a sewage pipe! You’re muck!
You’re a closet boozer, a natural loser, you’re Daffy Duck!
You’re a spud, you’re a squashed zucchini!
Elmer Fudd, and Beanie Weanies!
A hot air balloon that’s scheduled soon to pop!
(pokes the big belly of CAPULET who laughs: “STOP!”)
You’re a BOZO from the bottom to the top!
CAPULET: You’re the fuzz on a rotten peach!
MONTAGUE: You’re a scuz, a blood-sucking leech!
CAPULET: You’re manure on the street
In the summer heat of Spain!
BOTH: You’re a toxic lake, a belly-ache,
BOTH: You’re a (bumping heads) MI-GR-AINE!
MONTAGUE: You’re the nose on the ancient Sphinx!
CAPULET: You’re what grows in my bathroom sinks!
MONTAGUE: You’re a pile of slop about to go ker-plop!
BOTH: You’re a BOZO from the bottom,
You’re a ZERO from the bottom,
You’re a “DITTO” from the bottom to the top!
{SECTION ENDS}
“DUELING DADS” (cont’d)
(sung to “She’s a Diamond”/“New Argentina”, etc.)
MONTAGUE: I resented you/How I hated you
Ever since high school
When you dated “Miss President”
(dreamily) Of Republicans for a Cleaner Environment. . .
So I went to Homecoming with the Head of
The “Death Penalty Debate Team”
(sadly) Who quickly talked me into a “life sentence”!
CAPULET: That gorgeous doll?!
I confess that I was jealous, too!
BOTH: I do anything at all
To trade . . . off wives . . . with . . . you . . .
MEN exchange glances, break into grins/laughter. (Optional dialogue:
“Hey, that's not a bad idea!” “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” etc.)
“YOU’RE A FLOP”
(sung to “You’re the Top”)
MEN shake hands/take turns slapping each other’s back harder and harder:
[You’re my hero from the bottom to the top!]
Wanna thank you from the bottom,
Gonna thank you from the bottom
Gotta/God I thank you from the bottom of my heart!
{SONG ENDS}
| SCENE 17 | (Garden) LORD MONTAGUE finds LADY CAPULET grieving in the garden. LADY MONTAGUE/LORD CAPULET catch them, PARIS/ROSALIND romancing. |
“LADY CAPULET’S GRIEF”
(sung to “Another Suitcase in Another Hall”
/“High Flying Adored”)
Paris and Rosalind]
LORD CAPULET faints. LADY MONTAGUE administers CPR, LORD CAPULET kisses
her back, rests his head in her lap as they sit on the garden bench.
"IT'S ADULTERY"
(sung to "It's De-Lovely")
LADY MONTAGUE: We’re not in love, it’s very clear.
(lo