Shakespeare's, Cole Porter's, Lerner & Lowe's, Rodgers & Hammerstein's, Leonard Bernstein's, Walt Disney's, Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber's and Emily Nghiem's . . .

A Play on Life in America

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(Optional) Staged production of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet

PRINCE: “For never was a story of more woe (spoken) Than this of Juliet . . . and her Romeo.”

Cast freezes. Feminist WRITER strolls in DR, her nose stuck in a book, a pen in her right hand. She turns to the audience, shaking her head. “WRITTEN YEARS AGO” (sung to “Many Moons Ago”) WRITER: (sings) Written years ago was a Shakespeare play Full of tragedy we still have to-day, ’Til we get the story right! Any Juliet with a brain in-set (taps her right temple) Knows the way to get to your true love yet Isn’t double-suicide! We need to do a slight re-write! (tears pages, tosses book) WOMEN in the cast come alive, dancing around the men still frozen. WRITER: For a feminist is a radical thing! WOMEN: The system wasn’t built by any rational being! WRITER: You can spot the Neo-Nazi by his clean, shaven head; And the feminist by how she rips her hair out instead! Characters are introduced one by one, with silly poses and pantomime. WRITER: This time Rosalind’s got a kid within (half- Due to Romeo, but renounces him spoken) After he gets thrown in gael For acting like your “average male”! Enter Juliet, Pro-Life Capulet, Who’s harassed by Paris but forgives the debt When he asks for Rosalind’s hand, So Juliet can get her man! All MEN and WOMEN in the cast join in song. MEN: For a feminist is a devious one! WOMEN: God created Eve to have “mischevious” fun! CHORUS: You can do the same old Shakespeare, Shedding tears for the dead, WRITER: Or mock the problems of the world And laugh your head off instead! {SECTION ENDS} CHORUS: HOW? (spoken) WRITER: Well. . . (spoken) “JULIET AND ROMEO” (sung to “The Glory of Love”) WRITER: Ya gotta sing a little. . . (sings) Swing a little. . . Cast and crew break into dance, changing sets and costumes (Republican red for Capulets; Democrat blue for Montagues). Get up and do your own thing a little! To tell the story of “Juliet and Romeo”! CHORUS SL: You gotta dance a little! CHORUS SR: Romance a little! WRITER: Apply for government grants a little! WRITER To tell the story of + CHORUS: “Juliet and Romeo”! WOMEN: First you cast a Romeo, (ROMEO carried DR) MEN: And pick a matching Juliet, (JULIET carried DL) ROMEO + Together we’ll produce a show (ROMEO + JULIET meet CS, JULIET: And get the writer out of debt! CREW rolls fountain UC WRITER: You bet! and other sets on stage) ALL: We’re gonna sing a little! WRITER + MEN: “Schwing” a little! JULIET (half-spoken to ROMEO): And maybe do the wild thing a little! ALL: That’s the story of “Juliet and Romeo”! ALL: You gotta “dew-op” a little! ROMEO & ROSALIND: Screw-up a little! PARIS & JULIET: Bend the rules you grew up with a little! ALL: To tell the story of “Juliet and Romeo”! ALL: You gotta curse a little! Rehearse a little! BENVOLIO/STACEY/ MERCUTIO/WENDY: Play a role in reverse a little! ALL: That’s the story of “Juliet and Romeo”! MEN: As long as there are Romeo’s, WOMEN: And double-daring Juliet’s, WOMEN: There's hope to stop the overdose (grab vial from JULIET) MERCUTIO: And fill the plot with a lot more sex! (MEN hoot and holler) ALL (shout): What next? ALL (sing): We’re gonna teach a little! PARIS: Preach a little! WRITER: Abuse the freedom of speech a little! ALL: To tell the story of “Juliet and Romeo”! MEN fall in place, turn their backs, and freeze. WOMEN: That’s the story of “Juliet and Romeo”! WOMEN fall in place, turn their backs, and freeze. WRITER: And now the story of “Juliet and Romeo” . . . {SONG ENDS} WRITER weaves through the crowd, exits behind the fountain UR. PROFESSOR comes around the other side, DL of the fountain. Backdrop changes.

(Anarchist riot) Townsquare by a fountain, outside the polls

As the WRITER/PROFESSOR passes them, PROTESTORS whip out picket signs and strike contorted poses, scowling at each other.

“PROLOGUE” (sung grievously to “Lament” from Evita) WRITER or Two parties, the Republicans and Democrats, PROFESSOR: Plague America, a civil war machine, Competing, like the Montagues and Capulets, For control of the Electors, sight unseen . . . The people, so tired of fighting bureaucrats, Incite a riot in our opening scene, To protest the not-so-candid candidates Divided Left and Right and in-between! (aside) (Like Romeo and Juliet, Perhaps the parties never should have met!) {SECTION ENDS} “IT’S ELECTION DAY!” (sung to “It’s a Typical Day”) CHORUS: Hey! It’s Election Day! All across the U.S.A., Where political folk do things in ridiculous ways! WOMEN: We spend millions on silly campaigns! (scatter men’s flyers) MEN: Instead of investing in change! (dump women’s coin jar) We let the majority whip the minority, [minority/majority] Hoping nobody complains! WOMEN: And then we tune in to what Rush Limbaugh has to say! CHORUS: We do it this way, the American way! Hooray! for Election Day! CHORUS scatters as swarm of POLICE enter, firing a warning shot. BADGE #1: (BANG!) You don’t elect your local police, Trained to shoot (BANG!) for justice and peace! BADGE #2: Your tax dollars hire me and later retire me To put younger guns on the streets! TOGETHER: We execute orders your judges are paid to say! (saluting to judge) From the Presidency to the Military, BADGE #3: The Force will keep you free! Actor who plays ROMEO or LORD MONTAGUE, steps out of character and up onto the fountain or a soapbox, representing a REPRESENTATIVE. REP: I’m your Congress! I make the laws! (aside) (Never mind the Establishment clause!) I run with the big PACs to write private contracts On behalf of the masses because I represent lobbyists who can afford to pay! POLICE part crowd to let tall judge take CS, made of BENVOLIO sitting on MERCUTIO’S shoulders hidden under long black robe, swinging huge gavel. BENVOLIO: Come now to Court for legal redress! MERCUTIO: Unless you value free speech and press! (pokes head out, and back in) BENVOLIO: You must writ your petitions by strict definitions And still make the deadlines, oh yes! (half-spoken, in booming This system of justice presides over church and state! couirtroom voice) MERCUTIO bangs gavel on people’s heads, chasing after them. Federal AGENT comes out from building, tries to seize the inflatable plastic toy, until the crowd reads “IRS” on his briefcase. They chase him. PROFESSOR is left holding the First Amendment placard, helplessly. PROFESSOR: Whether you go to church or state school, (to crowd) You should know the old Golden Rule! TYBALT: But this law was never meant to govern the Government, Thrown in a separate pool! Splash is heard as AGENT is dunked in the fountain. ROMEO: Abridging our right to assemble more peaceably! IRS AGENT: Don’t blame it on me if my own agency Forget to file as a 501-(c)-3! PROFESSOR disappears SL into the CHORUS crowded around the fountain, while WRITER re-emerges SR. PROFESSOR: Do away with the Federal Reserve! WRITER: Fund the arts to protect and to serve PROFESSOR and WRITER continue to march in and out, in a circle. PROFESSOR: Public education, not dumb legislation That disrupts more peace than it preserves! WRITER: Creative alternatives may be the only way CHORUS, raiding the contents of the AGENT’S briefcase, stop to sing. ALL: To reduce violent crime while we fight to kill time CHORUS, tossing bills and billets up in the air. CHORUS SL: From Election to Election - CHORUS CS: From Election to Election - CHORUS SR: From Election to Election Day! ALL shout: HOORAY! {SONG ENDS} CHORUS scatters SL and SR, while others run through the audience, passing out flyers and soliciting donations to pay the actors. [Optional song (see Appendix): "RADICALS!" (sung to "Savages!" from Pocahontas) - to be reprised near the end of poetry reading scene] Crowd parts, leaving only ROMEO/ROSALIND pacing DR/UL. YELL LEADERS (or Mercutio/Benvolio) shout from OS, answered by RIOTERS OS on other side. YELL LEADER OSR: What do you want? RIOTERS OSL: JUSTICE! YELL LEADER OSR: When do you want it? RIOTERS OSL: NOW! YELL LEADER OSL: What did you say? RIOTERS OSR: JUSTICE! YELL LEADER OSL: When do we want it? RIOTERS OSR: NOW! YELL LEADER OSR: What do you want? ROMEO (DR): RIOTERS OSL: My freedom! FREEDOM! ROMEO (DR): YELL LEADER OSR: I gotta tell Rosalind When do you want it? ROMEO (DR): RIOTERS OSL: Now! NOW! YELL LEADER (louder OSL): What did you say? ROSALIND (UL): RIOTERS (fading OSR): I’m pregnant! FREEDOM! ROSALIND (UL): YELL LEADER (shout OSL): I gotta tell Romeo When do you want it? ROSALIND (UL): RIOTERS (fading OSR): Now! NOW! ROSALIND (pacing UL toward CS): I must tell him now, but how? ROMEO (pacing DR toward CS): I must tell her now, but how? ROSALIND and ROMEO (colliding CS): I must tell you now, but how? I must tell you now. . . but how?

(Breaking the news) Duet(s) between ROMEO and ROSALIND

[NOTE: The next two duets may be shortened or combined or one omitted.]

“You Must Tell Me” (Optional) (sung to “You Must Love Me”) ROSALIND and YELL LEADER (fading OSL): What do you want? ROMEO (sings to himself): My freedom. . . ROMEO and YELL LEADER (fading OSR): What did you say? ROSALIND (shaking her head): I’m pregnant, for sure! ROMEO: How can I ask to break up with her? (to audience) ROSALIND: I’m scared to need him! (to audience) ROMEO (to ROSALIND): I’ve something to ask of you - ROSALIND (spoken): You do?! (sings, excited): The answer is YES!...if we’re thinking the same! Tired of the stress of living in shame, ROSALIND: ROMEO: I bet you are, too! I guess I am, too! ROMEO and ROSALIND: Forgive me, but I’ve been suppressing Something I long should have said, ROMEO: After we first started kissing, ROSALIND (senses The last time we went. . . his hesitation): ROSALIND and ROMEO: . . . to bed. ROSALIND: I’m three months late. ROMEO: (chickens out You’re what? (smiles, weakly) That’s great. . . of breaking up w/her) ROSALIND: I know you’re speechless, honey, (holds his [But] life will reveal our future in time! hand to When you’re in love, there’s nothing to hide. her belly) It’s all in your mind! ROMEO (nervously to audience): ROSALIND (softly to herself): This music is great It’s hard to believe for concealing that I’m singing Words I’d prefer left unsaid! Words I could never have said, ROMEO: Afraid that I might hurt her/your feelings! ROSALIND: Worried you’d drop - down - dead! You must tell me Do you love me? ROMEO: Hell, don’t ask me! {SECTION ENDS} (half-spoken) “I’LL NEVER, EVER LUST AGAIN” (Optional) (sung to “I’ll Never Fall In Love Again”) ROSALIND (sings wildly How can you tell if it’s love or lust?! to audience) ROMEO: I didn’t mean to bust her cherry! (to audience) ROSALIND Can’t nature wait for us to marry? and ROMEO: I’ll never, ever lust again! (to each other) Why ever fall in lust again? ROMEO: What does it take not to lose control? ROSALIND: A long cold shower that runs for days, un- ROMEO: Until you become a human raisin! Why ever fall in lust again? I’ll never ever lust again! ROSALIND: Don’t tell me we could have a blast, Enjoying lust while the feeling lasts! ROMEO (sneaks Playing with fire, desire can blind you! up from behind): Reality catching up behind you! ROMEO: What do you do when you’re full of lust? ROSALIND: You play naughty games to taunt and tease you! ROSALIND and ROMEO: Break all the rules, and hope that’ll please you! I’ll never, ever lust again! Why ever fall in lust again? ROMEO: Justify lust and you’ll bust your brain, Totally racked and blown to tatters! ROSALIND: Blast every cell, and hell what matters? ROMEO and I’ll never, ever lust again! ROSALIND: I’ll never fall in lust again! ROSALIND: Quit trying to escape the past, Living life for now, ’cause it goes so fast! ROMEO: Playing around is bound to misguide you! (hands caress Anxiety building up inside you! Rosalind’s belly) ROSALIND What do you get when you fall for lust? and ROMEO: You play stupid games to fool and tease you! Break every rule, and hope that frees you! I’ll never, ever lust again! (in a final Don’t you know that I’d embrace) Rather fall in love instead! {SECTION ENDS} “I’LL NEVER, EVER LUST AGAIN” (cont’d) (sung to “I’ll Never Fall In Love Again”) ROMEO and ROSALIND dance awkward ballet, her padding sliding around. ROMEO (nervously to himself): ROSALIND (loudly to audience): This music is great for concealing Funny I’m suddenly singing Words I’d prefer left unsaid! Words I could never have said, ROSALIND: Afraid that you might hit the ceiling! ROMEO: Figured you’d want me dead! ROSALIND: You must tell me Do you love me? ROMEO: It’s not . . . to be. {SONG ENDS}

(Transition) ROMEO and ROSALIND, joined by MEN’s TRIO

Still holding hands DC, ROSALIND doesn’t want to let ROMEO go. TRIO: BENVOLIO, MERCUTIO (rubbing his neck/shoulders), PORTFOLIO enter UL.

“ROSALIND’S LAMENT” (sung to “Another Suitcase in Another Hall”)

ROSALIND: O Romeo! I don’t know what the hell I'm gonna do! (sings) I don’t want to be with child, if I can’t be with you. ROMEO: We may not be in love. That doesn’t mean it has to end here. (weakly) We can . . . still . . . be friends, dear . . . (sees his friends) . . . And parents, too! ROSALIND: Tell me honestly -- BENVOLIO: Tell Romeo that we’re running late! ROSALIND: Do you still love me? MERCUTIO: He’s with that chick that he used to date! ROSALIND: Do you think you’ll ever be -- MEN’s TRIO: They’re in the middle of a big debate ROSALIND: Truly in love with me? PORTFOLIO: Over their little one’s fate. ROMEO (spoken): No. Suddenly crushed, ROSALIND slaps ROMEO, bursts into tears & runs off SR. ROMEO (calls out to her): NOW what did I say?! {SONG ENDS} “CHEER UP AND LET’S GO!” (sung to “Eva Beware of the City”/“Goodnight and Thank You”) ROMEO’s friends tease ROMEO to get him over his most-traumatic stress. MERCUTIO: Do all your ex-girlfriends give you this much trouble? PORTFOLIO: Cheer up, my dear boy, this is comedy! (puts arm It’s not really real, but a silly political farce! around ROMEO) BENVOLIO: So let's join the gang at the “poetry thang”! You think you’ve just had a big dose of pure tragedy, MERCUTIO: Sadly it only gets worse! ROMEO: Woe! BENVOLIO: Oh - BENVOLIO taps ROMEO on opposite shoulder, making him look to his left. BENVOLIO: O Romeo, brother, look on the bright side! Though you seem kind of young for a dad, MERCUTIO: At least you’ve got balls, (gooses him and they’re both working fine! from behind) You’re healthy! PORTFOLIO: Be glad! TRIO: Your future looks frightful! Your mind’s running wild! But remember this African rule: It takes a whole village to raise every child! MERCUTIO: (And policemen to keep them in school!) TRIO: There is no family that’s functional! Never has been in human history a parent - PORTFOLIO: Wed or unwed - TRIO: Who didn’t freak out and give thought to adoption To stop them from killing their children! Let others support them! No need to abort them! BENVOLIO: Or beat them! MERCUTIO: Mistreat them! PORTFOLIO: Or eat them! TRIO: They’ll fend for themselves on the street at age twelve With a gang for a family structure! (shouted): JUST LIKE US! {SECTION ENDS}

(Optional) ROMEO stares blankly; GANG tries a different tune.

“KINSHIP” (sung to “Friendship”)

ROMEO (spoken): With friends like you, who needs depressants? MERCUTIO: If you ever need me here, I’ll disappear! BENVOLIO: If you’re ever in a fix, I’ll get my kicks! PORTFOLIO: If I’m ever sent to get you out of jail, I’ll spend the bail! TRIO: That’s kinship! Kinship! Unforgivable sinship! When other families can get along, We’ve got our values wrong! PORTFOLIO: (rifles through Na-na, Na-na, Na-na, Ha! Ha! Ha! ROMEO’s wallet) ROMEO: If you’re ever up a tree (spoken): DON’T LOOK AT ME! BENVOLIO: If you’re ever down a well, won’t that be swell! MERCUTIO: (steals ROMEO’s If you ever lose a wheel when you’re out to skate, athletic shoes) I’ll take all eight! ALL: That’s kinship! Kinship! The punishment for sinship! When other families can get it on, We do each other wrong! MERCUTIO: Na-na, Na-na, Na-na, Ha! Ha! Ha! MERCUTIO and BENVOLIO juggle the shoes back and forth past ROMEO, who is caught in the middle of them. BENVOLIO: Na-na, Na-na, Na-na, Ho! Ho! Ho! MERCUTIO and BENVOLIO toss shoes in the fountain, kneel down side by side to form a pyramid base. ROMEO climbs onto fountain to get shoes. MERCUTIO: If they ever black your eyes BENVOLIO: I’ll send a prize! PORTFOLIO: If they ever fry your duck, (gets on top) Ha! Ha! *Tough luck!* MERCUTIO: *You’re --* BENVOLIO [covers mouth]: *-- STUCK!* ROMEO: If they ever bungee jump you by your hair, (leaps over and I won’t care! flattens them) ALL: That’s kinship! Kinship! Ab-original sin-ship! (rolling When other families are going strong, in pain) Ours will be long gone! ROMEO: Na-na, Na-na, Na-na, Oh! Oh! Oww! (gets up) TRIO: Na-na, Na-na, Na-na, Oo! Oo! Ouch! The GANG sneaks up behind ROMEO one by one. MERC: Na-na, Na-na, Na-na, Na-na. . . MERC + BEN: Na-na, Na-na, Na-na, Na-na. . . MERC + BEN + PORT: Na-na, Na-na, Na-na, Na-na (a cappella) PORT: RO - PORT + BEN: - ME - PORT + BEN + MERC: - O! TRIO (pick Your biggest foe is your - ROMEO up, toss Your biggest foe is your - him about): Your biggest foe is your - BRO! {SONG ENDS} Song may end here, with TRIO carrying ROMEO off to poetry reading (and PORTFOLIO sneaking back to grab shoes), or after the following REPRISE. ROMEO: WHOA! (spoken) “CHEER UP AND LET’S GO!” (cont’d) (sung to “Goodnight and Thank You”) TRIO: Do - what you love - and the ba-bies will fall - OH! (swing ROMEO back and forth) ROMEO nearly falls, but is swung to his feet. BENVOLIO taps ROMEO on opposite shoulder, who looks to the right side this time. BENVOLIO: O Romeo, brother, look on the bright side! Though you clearly weren’t using your brain, MERCUTIO: You can still use your nads, (and) To produce little lads! PORTFOLIO: Just don’t screw up (goose him from behind) And do it again! TRIO: There is no family that’s functional! Never has been in human history a parent - PORTFOLIO: Wed or unwed - TRIO: Who didn’t freak out and give thought to adoption To stop them from strangling their children! If you can’t support them, it’s best to abort them! BENVOLIO: Don’t beat them! MERCUTIO: Mistreat them! PORTFOLIO: Or cheat them! TRIO: They’ll get into drugs when they hang out with thugs With a gang for a family structure! (shouted): JUST LIKE US! TRIO laughs. ROMEO bursts into tears. TRIO puts their arms around him. MERCUTIO: Cheer up, my dear boy, this is comedy. (softly, It’s not really real, but it’s merely political farce. pleading) PORTFOLIO: So let's join the gang at the “poetry thang”; You think you’ve just had a big dose of bad writing, BENVOLIO: Believe me, it only gets worse. . . (to audience) {SONG ENDS} ROMEO AND TRIO exit together.

(Poetry Group) Capulet’s living room, staircase UC, seats

Juliet and friends gather for women’s Bible study, rudely interrupted.

“WOMEN’S PRAYER” (sung to “Maria” from The Sound of Music) DIANE: Corinth-yuns says that women should be silent in the church! (sings) JULIET: Ephe-zhuns gives permission to sing out liturgic words! EDITH: But Revelation says no man on earth can change a verse! WRITER: It doesn’t say a woman couldn’t do it! JAN: That’s why the Bible starts so many wars - IRIS: The writers . . . had to be from Mars! ALL: How do you teach the Bible to a feminist? Can it be made politically correct? Can you define a term that isn’t sexist? JACSUN: But doesn’t insult the masculine intellect? WOMEN + Only in love are men and women equal, BRENDA: Husband and wife submitting both to Christ! WRITER: Imagine dating a man, who can actually understand The Lord not coming once, but coming tw--! [JULIET covers WRITER's mouth just in time] {SECTION ENDS} WOMEN stare in disbelief, get up to storm out of the meeting. JULIET quickly changes the subject, gets them back on scheduled agenda. “PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT” (sung to “Dice Are Rolling”/“Goodnight and Thank You”) JULIET: Ahem! JULIET: (sings) As announced on the air, we’re about to prepare A SURPRISE - DIANE: - SHH! - JULIET: - fundraiser To send Nurse Olivia. . . somewhere! Like - JULIET: Rwanda, BRENDA: Rwanda! (counts Nigeria, EDITH: Nigeria! votes by Uganda, IRIS: Uganda! a show Liberia, JACSUN: Liberia! of hands) Rwanda, DIANE: Rwanda! Rwanda, JAN: Rwanda! Or Zaire! WRITER: Or Zaire! Again, WOMEN stare at the WRITER, obviously somewhere out in left field. JULIET: Since last week we voted On an open-mike poetry reading and public art auction, I posted these flyers in Montrose inviting All artists and writers to join us at this function! {SECTION ENDS} DIANE: Did you hear that? BRENDA: You posted those WHERE? EDITH: She invited a mob off the street! JULIET: And not only that, it’s announced on the website! [at w-w-w-houstonprogressive-dot-org!] {SECTION ENDS} IRIS: Is she serious? JACSUN: The street poets here are as starved As half of the poor refugees in Rwanda! DIANE: Those underemployed artists can’t be exploited To try extorting more funding! JAN: That’s like trying to pull yourself by the boot straps When you don’t even have boot straps! WRITER: Or the boots! JACSUN: Or you’re vegetarian, and can’t use leather’n’ Other bovarian products! Sorry, toots! {SECTION ENDS} “WOMEN’S PRAYER” (cont’d) (sung to “Maria” from The Sound of Music) BRENDA (to JULIET): We know Olivia wants to serve the Lord. . . JACSUN: (to IRIS as It’s either preach to us, or preach abroad! WOMEN giggle) ALL: How can we send Olivia to Rwanda? JAN: How do you hitch a ride across the sea? ALL: How should we send Olivia to Rwanda? BRENDA: As a registered nurse? Or DIANE: Or as a missionary? ALL: Many a friend, I know, would like to send her, But only a few have got a dime to spare! So who can pay her way? For as long as she wants to stay? The Foreign Mission Board, or Africare? O, how can we send Olivia to Rwanda? Pray for a - ALL: JULIET: Way to send her over there! Wait a second - who goes there? {SONG ENDS} A rhythmic knock is heard at the door. JULIET jumps up to answer it. “PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT” (cont'd) (sung to “Dice Are Rolling”/“A New Argentina”) DIANE: Did you hear that? BRENDA: A knock at the door! EDITH: Don’t answer the knock at the door! JULIET (goes: But Communion with God is denied here to no one! Toward door) EDITH (stands): I came here to pray! Not make political statements! WOMEN all clap and cheer. EDITH glares at them. They fall silent. {SECTION ENDS} In barges ROMEO with band of African drummers and street poets/artists. MERCUTIO: Fancy duds, dear! Very period, but the makeup’s gotta go! (to JULIET) PORTFOLIO: Love that lampshade! BENVOLIO: Is it Renaissance, or Retro? PORTFOLIO: Look at the figurine! ROMEO: Look at that figure! JULIET: I’m Juliet. ROMEO: I’m Romeo. MERCUTIO: Where do we sign in. . . BENVOLIO: . . . To audition. . . PORTFOLIO: . . . For the art show? JABARI: Eh-eh-ex-squeeeze me, but where’s the mike? (interrupts I detect an incongruency! Where’s the list? ROMEO/JULIET, [C’mon, lady!] Tell me where do we sign? lock-eyed) I want to be the first in line! {SONG ENDS} SET CREW set up microphone. JABARI RA goes first; ARTISTS, WOMEN mingle. CROWD (chants): Jabari! Jabari! Jabari! JABARI: Have you ever felt like the Rodney Kang of the Poetry Thang? Like, ma-a-an! Can’t we all just get paid? MERCUTIO: How about get laid? The group hoots. The women blush or cringe. ROMEO silently introduces JULIET to an artist JACKIE who has brought her two kids KATIE and KARY. RAPTURE: Do “Hustler’s Convention”! Or “Poem for a Messy Lady”! JABARI: Uh - uh - “Poem for uh - uh - Messy Lady” DOUG (throws a pillow): You are a mess! NEXT!!! ISRAEL: “The Invisible Man” (no one I saw the Invisible Man on a street corner in Chicago. sees him) Then he appeared at a women’s poetry reading in Houston - DOUG: I said ! Somebody! Anybody! Get up there and R-E-E-D! (looks around) IVAN: “Invisible Tears” This poem I wrote to address racism. In our city, on our streets . . . STEFAN: Man, I don’t wanna hear no more racist trash! Unless, of course, it’s actually funny - JULIET: Miss Katie has a poem she recited in school. JACKIE: Can you remember it honey? KATIE: “What is Pink”! What is pink? A rose is pink, by the fountain’s brink. I think. Uh, what is green? The grass is green, I forgot the words in between! I know it ends kinda strange: “Why an orange, just an orange!” KARY: Katie, that doesn’t rhyme! JACKIE: She must have skipped some lines! STEFAN: Let me guess: “What is pink? Rosé is pink! Had too much to drink? Throw up in the sink!” JULIET: I really don’t think - BENVOLIO: How about: “What is pink? A triangle is pink!” MERCUTIO: Tell the cops what you think, Get thrown in the clink! STEFAN: That’s “clinker,” you stinker! KARY: I remember now! It goes “What is red? A poppy is red--” STEFAN: Yeah, smoke it and you’re dead! Try yoga instead! JACKIE: Stop it, you fool! GALVAN: Hey, lady, be cool! Like the sound of the beat! (starts We’ll add a few drums, till you rise to yo’ feet! to rap) C’mon guys -- y’ol’ bums -- Get up offa yo’ seats! ---------------“RACIST RAP: What is White?”--------------- (parody of “What is Pink? A Rose is Pink” by Christina Rossetti) The group bangs on the furniture and props. The women start to groove. Poets/artists take turns mocking racial stereotypes of themselves. GALVAN (using lampshade as a megaphone): What is Black? JABARI: A Brother’s Black! ISRAEL: Shoot ’im in the back and say you were attacked! GALVAN: What is Brown? JOSEPHINE: Latino’s are Brown! MARIA: Working underground to keep the price of labor down! MERCUTIO: What is Red? BENVOLIO: An Injun’s Red! PORTFOLIO: Trade homesteads for prison beds! NICKY: TELL - THEM - FEDS - ME - SCALP - THEIR - HEADS! ROMEO: HEY! What is Green? WOMEN: A Martian is Green! ROMEO (to JULIET): Our future can be seen in their FON-ky TIME machine! HEIDI: What is Yellow? HIRO: A Jap is Yellow! BOTH: Suicidal fellow with a bid on Monticello! MERCUTIO: What is White? BENVOLIO: Why a White? BOTH: WUSH is WHI-I-ITE!!! (ALL stop banging) {SECTION ENDS} LORD CAPULET enters, shouting down to JULIET from the staircase. “SHAPE UP AND SHIP OUT!” (sung to “Goodnight and Thank You”) LORD CAPULET: Sakes alive! What’s going on here? (sings) Aren’t you women instructed To study the Bible in silence? (booms) And NOT raise the ROOF! JULIET: Daddy! Come down and do for us Your crazy spoof of Rush Limbaugh! (to group) Nobody boo him, and I’ll try to cue him! O, Father! You’ve come just in time! {SECTION ENDS} ---------------“RACIST RAP: What is White?” (cont’d)--------------- (parody of “What is Pink? A Rose is Pink” by Christina Rossetti) JULIET: What is White? Why a White? (cues group to yell) ALL: WUSH is WHI-I-ITE!!! JULIET: And White makes Might and Might makes Right - (cues CAPULET who balks) JULIET + And Left is Loose and Right is Tight! WOMEN: They say two wrongs don’t make a right, But take three lefts, you’re facing right! TRIO passes the microphone. ROMEO, entranced by JULIET, misses his cue. MERCUTIO: Yeah, White makes Right and Right makes Might BENVOLIO: When folks abuse the Media to pick a fight! PORTFOLIO: To you what’s Black to me is White! ROMEO (ALL (pause, 1 beat) stop clapping): Huh? Who? STEFAN/KARY: A line’s left out! JACKIE/KATIE: But that’s all right! LORD CAPULET: Yeah, Rush is Right and Right makes Might! (gives in, does And Straight is Gay - No! - That ain’t right! his goofiest Stage-Right is Left, Stage-Left is Right, Rush Limbaugh) So take three lefts and run the red light! MERCUTIO and BENVOLIO, taking offense, nod to each other and stand up. MERCUTIO: What is Blue? BENVOLIO: A uniform’s Blue! MERCUTIO and BENVOLIO turn and flash their backsides at LORD CAPULET, revealing yellow comic/tragic theatrical faces painted on their boxers. MERCUTIO+ I’ll read your rights to you, BENVOLIO: While I bust yer stupid head in two! {RAP ENDS} “SHAPE UP AND SHIP OUT!” (cont’d) (sung to “Goodnight and Thank You”) LORD CAPULET: Hey! Weren’t you at that gay riot today? (sings, wildly) I remember those two “fairy-tails”! (grabs them by Three cops were beat up in that terrible fray, seat of pants) Throwing these "two-faced buttheads" in jail! [Optional song reprise (see Appendix): "RADICALS!" (sung to "Savages!")] JULIET: Listen, Da- LORD CAPULET: No, Juliet! Listen to me! (throws Get these art faggots out of my home! them out) JABARI (cheery): SHALOM! LORD CAPULET: Hence! Idle creatures, go on, get you home! (tossing out That is, if you DO have a ! PORTFOLIO) WOMEN (exit There is no family that’s functional! amidst chaos Never has been in human history a parent - all around): Sane or insane - LORD CAPULET: Begone all you bozo’s! You losers and homo’s! And people of “diverse hormones”! JULIET: Are all your friends homosexual? (to ROMEO) Are you part of that scene? ROMEO: Yes - I mean - No! It’s not what it seems! I’m sorry we made such a horrible mess! ROMEO + STACEY + WENDY (edging It’s time to get out, but we’ll give you a shout him out to hit If you leave us your address! on JULIET, too!) [Optional song reprise (see Appendix): "RADICALS!" (sung to "Savages!")] As JULIET watches, ROMEO is run out, his eyes never leaving hers. She runs upstairs to her room in tears. PARIS pokes his head in the door. PARIS (to Jesus Christ! What’s going on here? CAPULET): You’d think your own daughter would study the Scriptures in silence! LORD CAPULET: You’re just in time, Paris, (hugs him) My son-in-law-beau-fils, The meeting erupted in violence! (gestures Disrupted by hooligans, upsetting Julie! upstairs) Why don’t you go comfort her poor heart! (elbows him If you cannot heal it, perhaps you can steal it, in the stomach) As fine, bright, and “upright” as you are! PARIS: (doubled Not to step over . . . over in pain, . . . the bounds of immodesty . . barely able to sing) . . . Sir, in all honesty, thank you. . . (suddenly perks up, winks, But. . . you’re right! bounds up the stairs) {SONG ENDS}

(Harassment) JULIET’S bedroom, and balcony/hallway outside.

[NOTE: Juliet/Paris' next two duets "I CAN'T TAKE NO!" and "ME!" may be shortened/replaced/combined with "HE’S FINE FINE FINE!" (see Appendix).] PARIS, with new-found overconfidence, sings to JULIET through her door, in his worst French operatic voice. “ME!” (sung to “You!” from Whoopee!) PARIS: I’m the culmination of a thousand women’s dreams! (sings) At dances one gyration brings down the house in screams! (pause to hear screams outside) A hunk my fellow henchmen, and Fr-r-renchmen long to be! How long this song drags on dépènds On no one else but - (var. of “It’s Mi-Mi-Mi-Mi-ME! Re-Re-Re-Hoo-Ray! De-Lovely”) Do-Sol-Mi-Do-La-Ti-Do-Re- MI! Good Heavens! I’m everything! ME! Lovely ME! I’ve been chosen by your cousin As your husband just because’n No one deserves you but ME! JULIET groans. PARIS listens through the door, thinks she is swooning. ME! The planet revolves around ME! Look at ME! Ladies take note of my bod! A hemi-semi-demi-god! O sing in worship of ME! PARIS runs behind the set, pops his head in and out of various objects and furniture in JULIET’s room, faster than she can shut them again! PARIS (from her dresser drawers): I’m the laugh of the “sworee”/party! (from her jewelry box): Maxine Mesinger said! (from a picture frame on her wall): Is that why you abhor me? (from between pillows on bed): Because the publicity goes to my head? (which JULIET uses to swat the head of You’re jealous of ME! PARIS, who runs back to her door) Everyone wants to be ME! Lucky ME! About me all the people yak! (Too bad it’s all behind my back!) They only wish they were ME! {SECTION ENDS} “I’M GETTING SICK OF THIS FOOL!” (sung to “I Get A Kick Out Of You”) JULIET: His side of the story deserves to be heard, But every last word from this nerd Reduces to the absurd! The only escape from this ape happens when I go out to my balcony, Blasting my fav’rite symphony (orchestra So I can’t hear him calling me booms ffff) With that %$#@ccent again! I don’t get sick from champagne! Chug any proof and I’m smug and aloof, My spirits up but my stomach’s down, So why am I SICK of this clown? Have you removed a human brain? It takes some guts to cut dead people up! I’ve done it all in medical school, Yet I’m sick to DEATH of this fool! JULIET: This chick is sick of hearing: PARIS: (forcing << JE T’ADORE! >> way through door) JULIET: His self-amour just bores me! (pushes against it) It doesn’t help if I “shut the door”! PARIS: I L’OEUF IT MORE WHEN SHE IGNORES - {SECTION ENDS} “ME!” (cont'd) (sung to “You!” from Whoopee! (var. of “It’s Mi-Mi-Mi-Mi-ME! Re-Re-Re-Hoo-Ray! De-Lovely”) Do-Mi-Re-Fa-Mi-So-Fa-[Re-peats some awful Do-Mi-Re-Fa-Mi-So-Fa-Re aria a cappella] Do-Mi-Re-Fa-Mi-So-Fa-La-So-Ti-La-Do-Re- MI! girls die when rejected by ME! Killer ME! I’m a macho-mega-stud! Stocks go up when I give blood Donated by ME! JULIET moans. PARIS listens through the door, thinks she is sighing. ME! Hearts simply break over ME! (Merci ME!) Husbands find it no surprise To find their women making eyes At ME! Magnificent/Magnificant ME! PARIS runs behind the set, pops his head in and out of various objects and furniture in JULIET’s room, faster than she can shut them again! PARIS (from her dresser drawers): I’m so sly and so stunning! (from her jewelry box): I was picked for this part! (from between pillows on bed): So critics/people would come running (from a picture frame on the wall): TO the play/”flic” to see an O-O-O-euvre DART! (JULIET throws dart at him like a target. They’d pay to see ME! PARIS runs to audience, giving signed photos) And die for a poster of ME! Signed by ME! So few women ever rate With me, that’s why I never date! For who could deserve me, but ME! {SECTION ENDS} “I’M GETTING SICK OF THIS FOOL!” (cont'd) (sung to “I Get A Kick Out Of You”) JULIET: His side of the story deserves to be told, But this embarrassing Paris-thing Is getting awfully old! The only relief from my grief comes when I (turns up stereo) Crank up my Eschenbach CD - (aside) (A subtle plug for the symphony!) - (orchestra booms So I can’t hear him calling me . . . ffff the same horrid Oh, why do I even try! aria PARIS blasts in the background) JULIET: Zis << cheek >> is << seek >> of ’earing: PARIS: (forcing << JE T’ADORE! >> way through door) JULIET (mocking): His self-amooor just flooors me! (pushes against it) It doesn’t help if I “shut the door”! PARIS: I L’OEUF IT MOOORE WHEN SHE IGNOOORES M- JULIET: (interrupts Does ANYONE HERE get SICK in a PLANE? before PARIS launches Is it the RIDE? into nauseating aria) Or the FOOD they pro-VIDE? I’ve no ID-e-a, and don’t want to know! What’s making ME SICK is my beau! This belle isn’t well with that beau! PARIS: Ma pet’s mal-de-tête (sweetly) Est ce[t] bête! {SONG ENDS}

(Balcony scene) JULIET’S balcony, with ivy and flower garden.

JULIET groans, runs out to balcony, nauseous, waiting for PARIS to leave. ROMEO picks flowers to hand JULIET, who calls to him as his friends chase him down, wrapping him in a string of colored condoms.

“SHAPE UP AND SHIP OUT!” (cont’d) (sung to “Goodnight and Thank You”) TRIO: Son, don’t forget! Wrap that rascal! (wrapping ROMEO, running off) JULIET: Are all those for me? ROMEO: (offers Yes - I mean - No! Oh my, no, not these! handful of condoms instead of flowers) JULIET: Does that mean you’d rather save those for your friends? ROMEO: (aside) At this rate, she’ll find out about Rosalind! (to JULIET) It’s not like that! It’s not how it seems! {SECTION ENDS} “SOMEHOW” (sung to “Somewhere”) JULIET: O Romeo, dear Romeo, (sings) Do swear you’re not a . . . “homeo”! Are you bisexual, gay, or straight? Do I feel love, or hate? ROMEO: Juliet, my sweet Sunset! (unwraps Some things I cannot tell you yet! himself) Please don’t bother to try and guess; Give me time, and I might confess! ROMEO: (louder) But not yet! JULIET: (softer) Romeo! (softer) Juliet! (louder) I must know! JULIET: You’d better not be a faerie! ROMEO: I’ve heard you’re practically married! JULIET: More or less . . . ROMEO: If you’re wed, divorce thy mate (climbs ivy In time for us to . . .(spots LORD CAPULET looking to balcony) out another window, ducks from sight) . . . CAPULET! (reaches his hand to her) Until I may hold you without a glove I’ll use my hand when I’m making love! Juliet! JULIET: Romeo! ROMEO: I gotta go! (half-spoken) {SONG ENDS} ROMEO releases his grip on the ivy and falls, runs away. JULIET sighs. “LOVER’S LAMENT” (sung to “The Music of the Night”)) JULIET: (sings, Does he love me, or does the scoundrel love me not? plucking petals That’s THE last STRAW! Are WE to be, or NOT to be? until she holds only bare stems) Do I chase him, or wait until I’m caught? (half-spoken) How long will THAT take? Two acts? Or maybe even three? {SECTION ENDS} [NOTE: Juliet and Paris' two duets "I CAN'T TAKE NO!" and "ME!" may be shortened/replaced/combined with "HE’S FINE FINE FINE!" (see Appendix).] “I CAN’T TAKE NO!” (sung to “I Cain’t Say No!”) JULIET: It might be my rejection of how “ladies” ought to act; I’ve been one of the boys since I was ten. It doesn’t take geneticists to prove it for a fact That girls like us grow up to be like men! I know I shouldn’t fall into the trap, But when the guy’s reluctant - I attack! I’m just a girl who can’t take no! My love life’s a terrible mess! No telling just how far I’d go To make a fellow say yes! When a guy tries to run from a girl, I know I shouldn’t chase him like before; But as soon as someone runs from me, It only makes me wanna grab him more! I’m just a fool when boys are slow; I can’t be patient and wait! How can I do what I hate? Next time just may be too late! I can’t take no! PARIS overhears JULIET, starts to despise and plot against ROMEO. What’s a girl to do if the guy of whom she’s fond Simply won’t respond? What’s a girl to do? Suppose the handsome devil drives her totally mad Like Hugh or Mel or Brad! (sigh) What’s a girl to do? Suppose she’s after him, cuz he’s sexy and slim, But he’s just a teensy bit too shy? What’s a girl to do? Let him get away? JULIET (spoken): I’d jump the guy! PARIS (spoken): I’d dump the guy! JULIET (sings): I’m just a girl who can’t take no! Can’t seem to take it at all! I hate a disappointing beau Who won’t make out in the hall! For a while I act refined and cool, About as “ladylike” as I can be! Then I think of that old Golden Rule, And do to him what I would have him do to me! Don’t mean to “hit” on Romeo, But if he starts to resist, Refusing to even be kissed, I’ll begin using my fist! I won’t take no! PARIS: What’s a guy to do if the girl of whom he’s fond Refuses to respond? What’s a guy to do? Suppose some other scum is running after ma belle, (And he's sexier than Mel!) O what am I to do? Suppose she’s after him, though her chances are slim, Cuz he hangs around with “funny guys”? What’s she gonna? Chase him anyway? (spoken) Lady, I’d get wise! THESE LAST TWO STANZAS ARE SUNG TOGETHER, ONE MEASURE OFF PARIS (to audience): JULIET (fantasizing to herself): I’m just a guy who . . . . . . won’t take no! I’m just a girl who . . . I play a hard and fast . . . . . . won’t take no! . . . game! Men are the ultimate . . . She can’t take off with . . . . . . game! . . . Romeo Before he can tell me . . . Once she takes on my last . . . . . . WHOA you HO! . . . name! I’ll have him moaning my . . . What BUBONIC virus . . . . . . name! . . . would she catch Other girls enjoy an . . . If the boy she’s crazy for is . . . . . . easy catch, but . . . gay? other girls are missing half the fun! PARIS: JULIET: Why should I admire this You can bet I’ll get a PARIS/JULIET: Perfect match! PARIS: The source of con-. . . JULIET: flict in this sil- . . . Cuz I won’t quit . . . -ly play! ’Til he admits I’ve won! I’ll have to spy on . . . . . . Romeo, I won't give up on . . . But who on earth could I . . . . . . Romeo, send?* I’ll have him down on his . . . Tybalt, my very best . . . . . . knees! . . . friend! So I can do what I . . . He’d die for me in the . . . . . . please! . . . end! Whether or not he agrees! He knows I don’t take no! Lord knows I don’t take no! *(spots TYBALT below, following after ROMEO’s friends) {SONG ENDS}

(Gay gay-bashing bash) ROMEO and friends, in playground/park

“TWO LITTLE GAYS (HOW COOL ARE WE)” (sung to “Three Little Maids (From School Are We)”)

MERCUTIO + Two little gays how cool are we! BENVOLIO: ROMEO: Mooning a Christian family! MERCUTIO + Scorned by a cruel society! BENVOLIO: Hey, bein’ gay is cool! BENVOLIO: Spreading diseases to everyone! MERCUTIO: Women are safe, for we care for none! ROMEO: I’m glad you’re both having so much fun! (sarcastic) MERCUTIO + Hey, bein’ gay is cool! BENVOLIO: MERCUTIO: Two little gays - an abomination! ROMEO (bitter): Kicked out of Juliet’s congregation! BENVOLIO: I say it calls for BENVOLIO + ROMEO (shouting): MERCUTIO: A CELEBRATION! Enough already! BENVOLIO: Hey, bein’ gay is cool! (suddenly quiet) MERCUTIO: It’s okay, bein’ gay is cool! BENVOLIO: I think he’s in love with Jule! (stage-whisper to MERCUTIO) MERCUTIO: If he is, then our friend is a fool! {SECTION ENDS} (loudly) “SHOUT IT LOUDER” (sung to “Why So Silent”) ROMEO: Could you both be louder, please, (sarcastic) For the patrons in the back? So whoever’s creeping up on us Can sneak up and attack? {SECTION ENDS} WENDY and STACEY come skipping in, as gaily as the male couple before. “WHO’S AFRAID OF A HOMOPHOBE” (sung to “Who’s Afraid of the Big, Bad Wolf?”) WENDY + STACEY Who’s afraid of a homophobe? (a cappella): STACEY to WENDY: A homophobe? BOTH (spoken): Not we by Jobe! (sing): But we know a homo-phobia-phobe: Ro-me-o-me-o! {SECTION ENDS} “NUTS!” (sung to “Notes”) ROMEO: Sorry guys - girls - Stacey and Wendy! (politically Just looking out for you guys - I mean . . . friends! correcting (spoken) This is nuts! himself) MERCUTIO + Relax, Romeo! BENVOLIO, Why, don’t you know STACEY/WENDY: We know what you mean! MERCUTIO + So forget + BENVOLIO: Those Capulets! + STACEY + Those hopeless homophobes + WENDY: Are more afraid of us! {SECTION ENDS} PORTFOLIO jumps out from behind bushes, scattering CHORUS into position. PORTFOLIO: BOO!!! “GAYS AND DYKES” (sung to “Guys and Dolls”) MERCUTIO: Who’s hanging ’round the art bar? (jumps up I’ll tell you who’s hanging ’round the art bar: onto fountain) A bunch of bisexual boys so hot for a gang of trisexual girls They use up enough condoms to cover up an art car! THAT’S who’s hanging ’round the art bar! BENVOLIO: What’s in the Montrose Voice? (jumps up) I’ll tell you what’s in the Montrose Voice: A personal ad from some transsexual STILL in transition Cuz “he/she/it” DIDN'T wanna make a CHOICE! THAT’S what’s in the Montrose Voice! STACEY + What’s happening in Houston? WENDY: I’ll tell you what’s happening in Houston: (also jump up) Kids coming out of the closet to get back at the parents who abused ’em! ALL FOUR: THAT’S what’s happening in Houston! You gotta recognize ’em to resist ’em, (ALL dive down) Or you’ll fall another victim to their system! MERCUTIO: Yes, sir, when you see a guy Dressed like ME! walking by, You can tell that the fellow is really gay! PORTFOLIO: When you spot some snot with a feminine name, Chances are he’s a flame Who’s playing a game Dolling up like a dame! BENVOLIO: When an older gent Is still sharing his rent With a man not related in any way - TRIO: Are they just saving money? Or is something about them “funny”? No surprise th’guys turn out to be bi’s or gays! WOMYN: If you know a co-ed Who’s shaven off half her head, If she’s pro-vegetarian, she’s a DYKE! STACEY: (stage (If she won’t go out but she’s not saying much, whisper) You’ll find out she’s a femme Forsaking all men For one special “butch”!) WOMYN: When your daughter dear Chains her nose to her ear, WENDY: Or your son’s into black lace and high-heel spikes, ALL: Pray to God, pray to Heaven, Or just wait around “twenty-four/seven” ’Til they outgrow the phase of being gays or dykes! TYBALT approaches the group. MERCUTIO/BENVOLIO confront him, playfully. MERCUTIO: (holds When the “shaft” you sport ROMEO’s sword to Comes up three inches short, TYBALT’s dagger) Betcha get so oh so desperate you’ll turn gay! TYBALT: (lifts If a guy sings high like his pants are too tight, MERCUTIO by seat You can tell he enjoys of pants, swings The prettier boys at ROMEO/BENVOLIO) To romance at night! BENVOLIO: When a crazy man Has gotten way outta hand Trying to prove he can do anything he likes! PORTFOLIO: Don’t be fooled by this pretender So “hard up” about his own gender That he takes out all his hate on gays and dykes! ROMEO: (shouts) YIKES! (sings) Better stop he’s lost his breath! This is a matter of life and death! ALL [out war]: And it’s no longer an issue of “gay” or “straight” Or love or hate! Too late! Now’s the time to fight to the death! ROMEO and CHORUS of friends dance/fight with TYBALT, forming a thick mob of people, while crash dummy dressed as TYBALT is tossed about overhead. ALL: Don’t be fooled by those pretenders So uncool about gender-benders That they take out all their hate on gays and dykes - (shout) YIKES!!! {SONG ENDS} Crowd parts to find TYBALT trampled flat to just his heart and his hat. ROMEO is horrified; his friends react innocently, playing with the prop. “HIS HEART IS BEATING” (sung to “Dice Are Rolling”/“Goodnight and Thank You”) BENVOLIO: Alas, poor Tybalt! MERCUTIO: Alas, my ass! BENVOLIO: We slew him, Mercutio! MERCUTIO: I know! BENVOLIO: Who’da thought that mean old dog Would contain so big a heart PORTFOLIO: Much less a bloody soul! {SECTION ENDS} MERCUTIO: Hark! PORTFOLIO: ROMEO (half-shouting): It’s alive! Don’t touch that! BENVOLIO: It’s still beating! MERCUTIO: Pray tell! STACEY: How it pounds! BENVOLIO: And it very much sounds BENVOLIO Like a watch + WENDY: Enveloped in cotton! PORTFOLIO: It sounds more like drumming! ROMEO: I hear sirens coming! MERCUTIO: Or a beeper goin’ off in the Wortham! STACEY: Sorry, my dear, but Shakespeare’s spoken here! (to WENDY) And Andrew Lloyd Webber - (ALL stop to put hats/hands over their hearts in a moment of reverence) - not Edgar Allan Poe! [swats BENVOLIO] ROMEO: {SECTION ENDS} (spoken) Quick! (sung) Wipe that look off my shirt and your hands on my face - (they stare) (spoken) - I mean, (sung) Get that blood on your face and that look off your hands - (they stare) (spoken) - I mean - {SECTION ENDS} MERCUTIO + Romeo, don’t try to take all the guilt! BENVOLIO: For once give us some credit, man! ROMEO: If you go to jail, you’ll get jumped, raped, or killed! So exeunt as fast as you can! SCRAM! {SECTION ENDS} “ROMEO’S CONFESSION” (sung to “Angel of Music”/“The Music of the Night”) BENVOLIO (to MERCUTIO): Who will believe that he did it? MERCUTIO (shouts to BENVOLIO/Audience): He’s the lead in the play! They'll forgive it! (ALL nod in agreement) {SECTION ENDS} At ROMEO’s urging, his friends leave him alone to pick up pieces. As he collects the last of TYBALT’s heart in his hands, POLICE handcuff him. ROMEO: Tybalt’s right to Peaceably assemble Lies in my two Hands that shake and tremble! POLICE enter, wearing conspicuous bandages from the riot. BADGE #1: Hands we must restrain for BADGE #2: Until you’ve been arraigned, sir, BADGE #3: We might have to detain you overnight, ALL: While reading you your list of legal rights! {SONG ENDS} (take-off on Phantom theme: horrifying chords in minor chord, screams) POLICE unfold accordionated lists, and escort ROMEO in cuffs to circle three spotlighted area: LADY CAPULET DR, ROSALIND UC, and JULIET DL. LADY CAPULET screams in horror at a TV news broadcast, crying out for TYBALT. ROSALIND tears through a frontpage newspaper article, cursing at ROMEO. JULIET, studying with headphones on, suddenly reacts in shock; stops to turn her radio up, calling the names of both TYBALT and ROMEO. [OPTIONAL INTERMISSION SOMEWHERE BEFORE OR AFTER HERE] KPFT RADIO VOICE: “. . . in a hearing today argued that the victim of the beating was not killed but nearly put to death, thus calling for an unprecedented “near-death” penalty for the defendant. Montague could either face lethal injection in Huntsville, Texas, or be transferred to Arizona and sentenced to die of natural causes in a remote desert . . .”

(Jail) ROMEO and jailhouse gang (dressed in Clockwork Orange-
style derbies and boots, with black and white prison strips and Bibles)

“Texas Executioner” (sung to “Lord High Executioner”)

INMATES: Behold the latest Death Row prisoner! His name is even mentioned in the title! The second most important character! Whose death would mean the end of this recital! You messed up, you’re next up! For the Texas executioner! Confess up, profess up to the noble courts Who will send your corpse to the Texas executioner! #731: So what’s it going to be then, eh? The electric chair or the firing squad? #696: Is it legal for the state to say? If life and death are up to God? #844: You POUND*ed an anti-gay Protester out of his senses! *{Inmate POUNDS Romeo over head with Bible until it splits in two} #927: What does the Bible say? 999011/999039: Half of it sure condemns us! {picks up & reads half} #879: Shouldn’t he die the same way? #990: In the POUND* under heavy sentences! *{POUNDED again} #942: Or be left to rot away. . . #889/983: . . . to save on burial expenses! ALL: So what’s it going to be then, eh? The electric chair or the firing squad? It isn’t for the state to say - It’s really up to God! KPFT RADIO VOICE: “. . . rejected Eighth Amendment arguments against cruel and unusual punishment and demanded an unprecedented “near-death” penalty for the defendant. If convicted, Montague could be sentenced to die of natural causes in a remote desert near the . . . in Arizona. . .” ALL: Dejected! Rejected! By the Texas executioner! Your soul has been sold as junkyard scrap (More like a piece of crap!) to the State of Arizo- ROMEO: Oh, no, no, no-oh! ALL: (false Oh, say it isn’t so-oh! sympathy) ALL: Your soul has been sold as Good as gold to the Arizona Death Patrol! {SECTION ENDS} ALL break into cruel laughter, start moving in on ROMEO. GHOSTS emerge. “ARIZONA!” (sung to “Oklahoma!”) #696: You shoulda looked ahead before you took a life! #844: I’d shoot myself before the execution date! #731: Who’s really gonna kill you is your future wife! GANG: You’re safer moving to another death row state! ALL/ROMEO*: A DEATH ROW STATE!! ROMEO: HIDE ME FROM MY MATE!!! *(suddenly realizes the seriousness of the situation) #696/731/999011: They’ll lethally inject you and leave you in a coma! #696/731/844: Desert you in the desert to die of carcinoma! #696/731/844/927: Confine you to the canyon where the lizards run! #999039 (wistful): You’ll have your own room with plenty of sun. . . #879/990/889/942/983: Plenty of sun for a PERMANENT tan! ROMEO: SHE’LL TAN MY HIDE WHEN SHE HEARS OF THIS PLAN! ALL: Arizona! Where the tumbleweeds roll across the plain! ROMEO: GHOSTS: ARIZONA? ARIZONA! ALL: And the blazin’ heat can burn your feet If you stand there waiting for the rain! ROMEO: GHOSTS: THAT'S SO INSANE! IT'S ALL IN VAIN! ALL: Arizona! “Arid Zones” that zoom without a stop! GHOSTS: THIS AIN’T VERONA! ALL: See the vultures flock! And lawyers balk, Going ’round in circles ’til you drop! GHOSTS: WHILE CRIME IS RISING TO THE TOP! #731: You’re welcome to live off the land! GHOSTS (shout): PURE SAND! #696: But to die takes a “Royal Command”! GHOSTS (shout): GOD’S HAND! ALL: So when they say -- (unison with Ghosts) -- NAY! WE’RE GIVING YOU A STAY! That means they’re gonna send you away to Arizona, {1st time): Arizona, to stay! (2nd time): Arizona, to stAy-R-I-Z-O-N-A, in Arizona! ALL (shout): OLÉ! {SONG ENDS} ROSALIND rushes in flourishing newspaper headlined "ROMEO CONFESSES." Gang runs for cover in game of musical mats, leaving ROMEO without one to hide his hide, while the rest tremble visibly beneath their own. “ROSALIND’S TIRADE” (sung to “Why So Silent”/ “The Music of the Night”) ROSALIND: What’s the father of MY child doing in JAIL?! (sings/screams) {SECTION ENDS} MEN (heads pop out to yell): HIS TIME! (and pop back under) ROSALIND: I scoured the city just to find your hide On the front of the stinking Chronicle! MEN (spoken): That’s Houston Chronicle, (lady)-- ROSALIND (roars at them): RARRGGHHH! What kind of quality of life would you provide For our child? Or would you be there at all? ROSALIND rolls up the newpaper into a funnel and draws out a huge sword. ROSALIND: Must your swords continue to devour? Wrecking lives, competing - ROSALIND: MEN (yell): - over power? EXCALIBUR! ROSALIND aims sword threateningly at ROMEO's groin, who jumps back. ROSALIND: Your manhood is your god, yet you forge a larger rod! As if boasting bigger weapons makes you right! Such mighty men, and all you do is fight! ROSALIND stabs at ROMEO between the bars, while he dodges the blade. ROSALIND: Must you JAB and JOUST and gamble WITH your LIVES, Never ONCE thinking of the consequence? What of your mothers and sisters and your wives? (sad pause) Who must survive your bloody violence? (strings flare wildly in the orchestra pit) ROSALIND: I SAID “VIOLENCE” NOT “VIOLINS”! (screams at orchestra director) (enraged Though your friends deny it, I suspect them! at ROMEO) If I find you're lying to protect them, (gestures This baby won't be born! with sword at Was your statement duly sworn? her pregnant belly, then right at ROMEO's nose) ROSALIND/ROMEO (cross-eyed): To the judge? the cops? ROMEO: What difference does it make? I can't swear! I'm an atheist, for God's sake! {SONG ENDS} “A TIME FOR TRUTH” (sung to “A Time for Us”) ROSALIND: A time for truth, there has to be! My mind is blown By what you’ve shown Of dishonesty! The dreams that you’d be by my side Have perished With you in jail for heartless homicide! ROMEO: You have my word! Between two friends!/To save my friends, I raised my sword In self-/their defense! I wish a simple lie would work That out of love, I'm only covering for Ben and Merc! But Tybalt's death was due to me! His last breath Of life was my responsibility! ROMEO lowers his head. ROSALIND is silent. {SECTION ENDS} “ROSALIND’S OUTRAGE” (sung to “Angel of Music”) ROSALIND: (sweetly at Romeo, do you expect me - to believe those first, then outraged) ridiculous lies/lines? Your grammar suspiciously perfect, Full of puns and rhymes?! How dare you insult me! I’m not stupid! You’ve obviously practiced for weeks! How else could you sing to Broadway showtunes? Who wrote the words you speak?! ROMEO: I defended my friends, please believe me! ROSALIND (to MEN): This sounds like a plot in a movie! {SECTION ENDS} “ROMEO’S PLEA” (sung to “Notes”) ROMEO (dodging blade): It was self-defense! Tybalt struck out first! ROSALIND (attacking): That's a lie! Your lines are too well-rehearsed! ROSALIND lunges straight at ROMEO, pinning his vest to pin-up poster. ROMEO: They would try to pin even more on me If I denied liability! ROMEO collapses flat on the ground, leaving his vest hanging. ROSALIND: You're always standing up for others, (pats tummy) Except this little one of ours, Which I'll handle myself! ROMEO: (on his knees, I can always help -- slowly climbs back As the dad! up, grabbing bars) ROSALIND: I’d rather choose abortion! ROMEO: That’s extortion! Try adoption! ROSALIND: Not an option! Who’ll support one? ROMEO: I’ll endorse one for my baby! ROSALIND: You can’t force me! You can’t make me! ROMEO: No, of course not! ROSALIND/ROMEO: Cuz you're/I'm stuck behind these bars! OUCH! {SECTION ENDS} ROSALIND slashes across cell bars with sword, scoring ROMEO's fingers. “SOMEHOW” (Reprise) (sung to “Somewhere”) ROMEO: Hey, Ros! Relax, it’s just a show! (wringing We still have one more act to go! his hands A happy ending to anticipate! in pain) What can I say to make you wait? ROSALIND: Speak the truth! It’s not too late! However long it takes to say’t! But tell me now, make it loud and clear! ROSALIND goes ballistic with sword, swinging it like a baseball bat. One more strike, and you're OUT, my dear! Out of my LIFE! Out of my SIGHT! OUT OF MY MIND! {SECTION ENDS} “ROMEO'S PLEA” (Reprise) (sung to “The Music of the Night”) ROMEO (stutters): I - I . . . As sword swings, ROMEO yelps (take-off on Phantom chords), men scream. ROMEO: Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay! {SECTION ENDS} ROMEO: Yes, I confess! I did not do the crime! I lied - I was trying to buy my friends time! To find a good lawyer to cover their butts! They’d suffer in jail with a crowd that’s this tough! MEN (cowering under their mats): Who, us? ROMEO: I promise to bargain, tomorrow I’ll plea Some sorry excuse such as insanity! ROSALIND: You already promised you’d forsake the rest But you put me last at the baby’s expense - after your friends - I feel worthless! {SECTION ENDS} “ROSALIND’S COUPLET” (sung to “Raoul I’ve Been There”) ROSALIND: This little child I can’t bring myself to bear Now that I know that the father won’t be there. {SECTION ENDS} ROSALIND breaks down in tears and exits SL, running. JULIET emerges SR. “A TIME FOR TRUTH” (Reprise) (sung to “A Time for Us”) ROMEO: A time for truth, a time to lie! I lose both ways! It never pays! Why should I try? JULIET: (enters) A time for trust I have that you Stand accused Of random acts of God you didn't do! {SECTION ENDS} “JULIET'S GRIEF” (sung to “The Music of the Night”) JULIET: Could these hands which stroke so very gently - (kisses ROMEO's hands gingerly) ROMEO: OUCH! JULIET: Strike and kill a man bel-li-ger-ently? (breaks into sobs) ROMEO/JULIET: Shall the sword continue (devouring DEVOURing every sinew each other) Of life? And bring us sadness in the END? (grabbing each other's rear ends) JULIET (stops to breath): O Romeo . . . give me my sin again! How long till you’re cleared of killing my kinsman? (sobs Tybalt was my poor mother’s dearest friend! uncontrollably) His death! Such great havoc doth it wreak! (may be spoken): I’ll have no tears left to cry on-stage next week! {SECTION ENDS} “SOMEHOW” (Reprise) (sung to “Somewhere”) ROMEO: O Juliet, now please don't fret! (sings) You're getting half my costume wet! Is there nothing that I can say To make our problems go away? JULIET: Romeo, please don't say no! We must go on like any Broadway show! ROMEO: Won’t these bars come between us, dear? ROMEO releases JULIET, grabs bars trying to bend them. Lost in desperate passion, JULIET kisses ROMEO's chest, downward to right below his belt. JULIET: Just the one that you keep in here! Romeo! INMATES, in derbies, slowly rise under sheets to form erect phallic symbols, which collapse when JULIET echoes Rosalind's name in hurt disappointment, leaving no trace of the men, who have become ghosts. ROMEO: Rosalind! JULIET {SECTION ENDS} (shouts): ROSALIND?! JULIET knocks ROMEO down, as phallic symbols collapse completely flat. “A TIME FOR TRUTH” (Reprise) (sung to “A Time for Us”) JULIET: A time for truth, what doth remain! (sings) What little’s left Has all but cleft My heart in twain! ROMEO: O throw away my false disguise! My future Relies on telling truths to cover lies! It’s Rosalind! With her I’ve been! She holds my only next of kin! I put my trust alone in you To save the babe She’d surely trade For a “lot of rue”! JULIET: True love will triumph in the end! ROMEO/JULIET: I love you! JULIET: The mother of your child must be my friend! {SONG ENDS} As lights dim, JULIET sings, caressing ROMEO. They slide to the floor. “JULIET'S COUPLET” (sung to “Raoul I’ve Been There”) JULIET: With all my heart, I will do what I must do, (sings) For any part of you is part of me, too. {SECTION ENDS/Lights out} ROMEO (spoken): Uh, Juliet, honey - not that part! [Optional love scene in the dark (see Appendix) - married couples only!]

(Chapel) LADY MONTAGUE rushes prayer request to NURSE OLIVIA
in the chapel, has vision of ROSALIND in the throes of morning sickness.

“SOMEHOW” (Reprise) (sung to “Somewhere”)

LADY MONTAGUE: O Romeo, fair Romeo! A prayer for my Romeo! Denied a lawyer and refused an oath! Condemned by judge and jury both! NURSE OLIVIA: Pray not in Shakespeare’s name, you schnook! You must pray this way by th’Book! {SECTION ENDS} (recites) “Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be Thy name . . .” Intro music starts, as lights rise on ROSALIND hidden in cloud of smoke. LADY MONTAGUE: A vision! I’m having a vision! NURSE OLIVIA: A vision?! What do you see? “I’M GONNA THROW-UP!” (sung to “I Gotta Crow!) LADY MONTAGUE: I can see my own son - all the things he has done! (sings) I hear Rosalind calling for me! ROSALIND: SON-OF-A-Bleeeaaahhh-CH (vomits in anguish) LADY MONTAGUE: She’s losing her baby! My son is the father-to-be! ROSALIND: I’m gonna RETCH! (screams) (sings) I’m gonna throw-up! Pregnant with some rotten remnant of Romeo Who knock’d me up! A wimp of a man, a real-life Peter Pan Who will never grow-up! I wanna throw-up! I’m gonna hurl! I’m hoping that maybe I’ll puke out [t]his baby - A boy or a girl! A product of sin/bastard like him is the last thing I’d wanna bring into the world! I’m gonna hurl! NURSE OLIVIA: I don’t want to hear it! Evil spirits! Satan be gone! Jesus is the Word! You must pray in the name of the Son (to be heard)! LADY MONTAGUE: O dear Romeo! Why didn’t you bother to tell your own mother Of Rosalind’s woe? NURSE OLIVIA: By praying, milady, we’ll save the poor the baby And rescue the show! LADY MONTAGUE: By God, Romeo! I gotta know! ROSALIND: I’m gonna throw-- (smoke rises, lights fall) NURSE OLIVIA: Let God and let go! LADY MONTAGUE: NO, ROSALIND, NO! (runs OS) {SONG ENDS} NURSE OLIVIA: “. . . Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done (finishes On Earth as it is in Heaven. reciting the Give us this day our daily bread Lord’s Prayer) And lead us not into temptation, But deliver us from evil . . .” (sings Baptist For Thine is the Kingdom, Doxology) And the Power and the Glory Forever! A-men! Lights dance around the room, focus on NURSE OLIVIA’s Bible, and fade.

(Apothecary’s outdoor stand) Townfolk square-dance in protest

“ABORTIFACIENT DRUGS” (sung to “My Favorite Things”)

APOTHECARY: Try pennyroyal, or some belladonna! (sings to ROSALIND) Either will stop you From being a ma-ma! (gestures with belly) Or, if you like, I can throw in some rue! NURSE OLIVIA: Be careful! Those herbs can be poisonous, too! ROSALIND: I’ll take this one . . . I’ll take that one! (desperate) The lesser of the two! Please help me erase any physical trace Of Romeo Montague! {SECTION ENDS} “JULIET INTERVENES” (sung to “The Music of the Night”) JULIET: Romeo asked me to come intervene! (sings to ROSALIND) ROSALIND: (jerks Leave it to that jerk to spill all the beans! around, spills jar of beans sitting on shelf) JULIET: I can’t let you do this! (kneels with ROSALIND to pick up the seeds) BROTHER AUSTIN: (and She can if she wants! CLINIC DEFENDERS step up) JULIET: As a friend, I must stop you -- (stands, cornered) ROSALIND: (knocks My FRIEND? Are you NUTS?! over jar of legumes) {SECTION ENDS} “PRO-CHOICERS AND PRO-LIFERS” (sung to “The Farmer and the Cowman”) TOWNFOLK: Pro-Choicers and Pro-Lifers can’t be friends! There’s no way to compromise or make amends! PRO-LIFERS: YOU'RE DENYING MOTHERHOOD! PRO-CHOICERS: WE DEFY BIG BROTHERHOOD! TOWNFOLK: That’s the reason why it never ends! Church and State shouldn’t hate each other! Why take sides and fight like fools? PRO-LIFER: One controls the House and Senate! PRO-CHOICER: One controls the Public Schools! APOTHECARY: I’d like to have a Word with the preacher (to Who worships at my clinic every morn, PRO-LIFER) Bombarding us with pamphlets and with prayer: You make us wish that YOU were never born! PRO-LIFER: I have to laugh at all you Family-Planners (to Who’d kill to stop the overpopulation! APOTHECARY) Supporters of abortion should die off in gr-R-REAT proportion! By genocidal self-annihilation! (crowd cheers/boos) (SECTION ENDS) “NUTS!” (Reprise) (sung to “Notes”) PRO-CHOICERS: Why don’t you Holy Bible-thumpers Stay in Sunday School where you belong! PRO-LIFERS: We have freedom of speech to petition each One of you Liberal Left-overs from the sixties! BADGE #1: (to BROTHER AUSTIN) Keep the peace please! BADGE #2: No more riots! BROTHER AUSTIN: Keep it quiet! PRO-LIFERS and If you censor PRO-CHOICERS: That’s unfair! (converge upon Who really cares each other) About decorum! NURSE OLIVIA: BROTHER AUSTIN: This is not the proper forum This is NOT a public forum, NURSE OLIVIA: BROTHER AUSTIN: For a prayer! It’s a song! {SECTION ENDS} “BACKLASH BOYS!” (sung to “Masquerade”) WOMEN’S DRUM CORPS (enters): Back-lash Boys! Better check your attitude! Look who’s comin’! PRO-LIFERS: (recoil in fear) ANGRY WIMMIN! WOMEN’S DRUM CORPS: Drummin’ down the avenue! {SECTION ENDS} (break into cadence): Backlash boys! Better lose your attitude! Look who’s comin’! Drummin’ down the avenue! As WOMEN drum UC, POLICE keep the sides separated CR and CL, almost breaking loose, flailing at each other. JULIET takes advantage of the distraction to pull ROSALIND DL, who shakes her head at every plea. “PRO-CHOICERS AND PRO-LIFERS” (cont’d) (sung to “The Farmer and the Cowman”) BROTHER AUSTIN: Can Pro-Choicers and Pro-Lifers make amends? Can’t we make the Choice to Live like normal friends? PRO-LIFER: DON’T PLAY GAMES WITH PARENTHOOD! APOTHECARY: DON’T INVADE MY NEIGHBORHOOD! TOWNFOLK: And maybe we’ll have peace when all this ends! (break through police barrier to square-dance) Church and State shouldn’t hate each other! Why take sides and fight like fools? PRO-CHOICERS: Money runs the Private Sector! PRO-LIFERS: God belongs in the Public Schools! TOWNFOLK: Life and Choices go together! Church and State must stop this fight! PRO-LIFERS (leap- frog from US to DS): Over Reproductive Freedom! PRO-CHOICERS (from beneath): Under the Religious Right! {SONG ENDS} {Stop unsafe abortion practice: 1-800-203-1950 Laura Morgan; 713/961-7500 Women’s Injury Network. Prevent unwanted abortion: 800-TNN-4MOM The Nurturing Network} “JULIET’S PROPOSAL” (sung to “The Music of the Night”) TOWNFOLK help each other up, shake hands, slip off behind the set. NURSE OLIVIA gathers signs/hands props to BROTHER AUSTIN who carries them OSL. JULIET: (kindly Take your time in reaching a decision. to ROSALIND) ROSALIND: I WON’T be preached at by a Pro-Life Christian! I have the right to choose any herb I wish to use! ROSALIND: JULIET: To abort the bastard child Don’t abort the last in line Of Montague’s! Of Montagues! ROSALIND: Back off! I’ve had enough . . . verbal abuse! (cries on JULIET’s shoulder) JULIET: What if . . I gave . . . my consent to marry (hesitantly) Paris? And adopt the child you carry? ROSALIND: I’m scared to make that choice! JULIET: Listen to your inner voice! ROSALIND: (as if It tells me to respect you as a friend . . . hearing two voices) . . . but not to trust another man again! How do I know I won’t become a single-mum If your marriage to Paris doesn’t last? Is he stable? Or just another bum? JULIET: I’m sure he’ll tell you ALL about his past (aside, Before you even have to ask! rolling eyes) {SECTION ENDS} “JULIET’S COUPLET (Reprise)” (sung to “Raoul I’ve Been There”) JULIET: I’ll marry Paris, if that’s what I must do (regretfully) To save the heir of my true love, Montague! {SECTION ENDS} Curtain, sets, lights suddenly change. ROSALIND, startled, runs OSR, NURSE OLIVIA follows behind. LORD CAPULET bursts in with BROTHER AUSTIN, hugs JULIET. Townfolk re-enter, chatter, change into wedding costumes.

(Capulet’s Garden) Capulet’s, townfolk rehearse wedding scene

“LORD CAPULET REJOICES” (sung to “Dice Are Rolling”)

LORD CAPULET: Did you hear that? (ecstatic, to She finally consented! BROTHER AUSTIN) Let’s skip to the big wedding scene! {SECTION ENDS} “JULIET’S REFUSAL” (sung to “Notes”) JULIET: Daddy, please, not now! That isn’t how the company Agreed to stage this! It’s outrageous! LORD CAPULET: You’re just rebellious! JULIET: I’d say, well/hell, yes! But I won’t put up with changes, (as script is Rearrangements, handed to her) In the middle of the . . . script. JULIET stares in horror, flips pages to vault scene, realizing her doom. PARIS (barges in DL, << OU-ere EEZ she? >> with huge bouquet) JULIET: I better hide! (dodges OSR) PARIS: My future bride! LORD CAPULET (chases after JULIET OSR): PARIS: Come BACK here! << Where EEZ she! >> CAST: (turning into She’s off-stage-right! wedding GUESTS) PARIS: We must get married!/We better find her! PARIS/LORD CAPULET (drags JULIET back to DC): Before milady/the lady changes her mind! PARIS stops BROTHER AUSTIN from sneaking off OSL, backs him into JULIET. LORD CAPULET: Brother Austin! (takes script YOU recite the lines! from JULIET, hands to BROTHER AUSTIN) JULIET: O Brother Austin! Can’t we rehearse this?! BROTHER AUSTIN: I’ll try to stall them, (stage whisper, But can’t reverse this fumbling script) Once you’re joined as husband and wife! LORD CAPULET: So - Pre - pare to marry Par - (is)! JULIET: That isn’t fair -- it’s not your business! LORD CAPULET: Yes, it is, miss! (escorts PARIS US to greet GUESTS) JULIET: (to Is there no way BROTHER AUSTIN) Out of this mess? BROTHER AUSTIN: We could play That famous vault trick, (checking script) But that scene Looks awful morbid! JULIET: I would rather Be left for dead Than to be wed To that character/Paris-guy for life! {SECTION ENDS} “PAST ALL HOPE" (sung to “Point of No Return”) JULIET: Past all hope for help, or cure! (aside) From hell or heaven! Our wedding once it’s done can’t be undone! No way out of this - damned/darned - spot! Except deception! I should have run away back in Act One! (to audience What verse would Shakespeare have me say? and BROTHER Should I argue, curse, or pray? AUSTIN, still Or shall I join him in the graveyard? consulting script) (to BROTHER Please delay the wedding scene AUSTIN, pleading And make them practice! while he shakes While Romeo buys time inside the joint? his head) [’Til we straighten out this plot, Somehow I promise!] PARIS: (to JULIET, It’s time that you and I while BROTHER Were join’d! {SECTION ENDS} AUSTIN joins the GUESTS US) “PARIS’ PROPOSAL” (sung to “All I Ask of You”/“Notes”) PARIS: Are you ready . . . for a lifetime marriage? (sings) Man and wife in Christian servitude? JULIET: Not with you! (sarcastic) PARIS: (signals Ahem! orchestra director to start again) Are you ready for a lifetime marriage? JULIET: I would rather marry Montague/ (woefully) /I’m in love with fair young Montague! PARIS: His days are few! (regretfully) JULIET/PARIS: Could we/Why not make our contract . . . temporary? PARIS: At least we’d have a half a honeymoon! {SECTION ENDS} ’Tis better to have loved and lost Than lost out all together! (melodramatic) It’s so tragic! And so grievous/Quelle une pity!* To miss out on such a treasure! *[some French phrase] JULIET (blushes): That’s so sweet of you to say that, PARIS (kissing her hand): JULIET: I was Paris! Talking about me instead of you! (jerks hand away) {SECTION ENDS} PARIS and JULIET tango DS. BROTHER AUSTIN stalls for time, deliberately misdirects the wedding GUESTS US, who dance into each other, as well as the sets, knock down flowery streamers/banner, and get tangled in them. “LIFETIME MARRIAGE” (sung to “Love and Marriage”) WEDDING GUESTS: Lifetime marriage, lifetime marriage! PARIS/JULIET: (as he dips her) More outdated than the horse and carriage! JULIET: (twirls) Why be like our mothers? PARIS: Mad at Dad for chasing others? WEDDING GUESTS: Lifetime marriage, lifetime marriage! PARIS/JULIET: Prison bars around the baby carriage! PARIS: Trapped in guilt from Grandpa! JULIET: Taken hostage by your Grandma! JULIET/PARIS + WEDDING GUESTS: Try to pick a perfect partner and family tree, (who run smack But if you should make an error-- into a tree) WEDDING GUESTS: LORD CAPULET (yells): STOP-- STOP!!! GUESTS stop to re-assemble, as the affair dissolves into utter chaos. JULIET/PARIS (a cappella): Or you’ll commit adultery! (continue to sing without Lifetime marriage, lifetime marriage! WEDDING GUESTS) False delusions that we must disparage! If we love each other, We’ll let go if we need another! {SECTION ENDS} “PARIS’ PROPOSAL” (cont’d) (sung to “All I Ask of You”) PARIS: (gracefully Why did you agree if you don’t love me? lifting JULIET) JULIET: I promised Romeo and Rosalind I’d do anything to save their baby, But she doesn’t want to raise his child! PARIS: (bravely, I’ll counsel them until they’ve reconciled! dropping JULIET to preach boldly Any mother and father should remain as one! to audience) /should preserve their bonds! JULIET: (picking If not lovers, at least they should be friends! herself up slowly) For the sake of their daughters and their sons! PARIS: (helping So they’ll be one happy family in the end! JULIET to her feet) JULIET (slyly): Would you visit Romeo and Rosalind? And discuss the matter of adoption? All she needs to know Is you’re not like Romeo! PARIS: Of course not! I’m a finer man than he! JULIET: Convince her, and I’ll gladly marry thee! (kisses his cheek) {SECTION ENDS} “LIFETIME MARRIAGE” (cont’d) (sung to “Love and Marriage”) LADY CAPULET (dabbing eyes): Lifetime marriage, lifetime marriage! (as GUESTS twirl/roll up Bless-ed joy for Juliet and Paris! in both ends of a banner) What a lovely couple! LORD CAPULET: Perhaps he’ll keep her out of trouble! JULIET: Contract marriage! PARIS: Short-term marriage! JULIET/PARIS: Our only hope to stop a forced miscarriage! A lover's knot may sever, But friendships ought to last forever! WEDDING GUESTS: (in one big bundle) And tight-knit families stick together! {SONG ENDS}

(Chapel/Tybalt’s deathbed) SPLIT STAGE: One side, PARIS
encounters ROSALIND hiding in Chapel; One side, NURSE OLIVIA tends to
LADY CAPULET at TYBALT’s deathbed, where his heart is hooked to amps.

“PARIS MEETS ROSALIND” (sung to “Stranger Than You Dreamt It”/ /“The Music of the Night”/ “Angel of Music”/“Dice Are Rolling”

PARIS: What if I’m unwelcome? (pauses by What if Ros’lind bites my head off? the door, How should I wear removes My fav’rite doffing cap then? his hat) {SECTION ENDS} ROSALIND: Olivia! Wait -- I’ll be right there! I was lying in bed, I did not hear you tap- . . . -ping. {SECTION ENDS} PARIS: Rosalind -- were you expecting? (enchanted) I mean -- expecting the Nurse? ROSALIND: How did you know where to find me? PARIS: I could hear you curse! (lovestruck) PARIS: I came to offer mediation -- ROSALIND: You mean medication, stupid! Did Juliet send you? Or Olivia? PARIS: It must have been God, or Cupid! ROSALIND: I’ve really had it with men! PARIS (comments on her bulging I can tell! (Oops!) belly): ROSALIND: Especially that rogue Montague! Juliet’s crazy to love him And to marry YOU!!! PARIS: (on Say the word! (And) I’ll break the engagement his knees) With Romeo’s leading lady! ROSALIND: I won’t be cast as her replacement! (slams door) Or used to produce his baby! {SECTION ENDS} PARIS: I’d like to discuss the adoption -- (meekly) ROSALIND: That was never a viable option! (through door) {SECTION ENDS} PARIS: I thought Juliet (vexed at Played hard-to-get, first) But this woman takes the cake! (then grins): I love it!!! (thinks I’ll pretend that she slammed quickly) The door on my hand! PARIS cries out in pain. ROSALIND opens the door, perturbed at first. ROSALIND: Shall I do it again? Only THIS time, it won’t be FAKE! {SECTION ENDS} ROSALIND: Where IS Nurse Olivia, I wonder? (inspects his hand for injury) PARIS: (holds She’s performing last rites over yonder! onto her hand) {SECTION ENDS} “CLOSING COUPLET" (sung to “Raoul I’ve Been There”) LADY CAPULET: Olivia? Is there nothing we can do? (sings) /Please tell us what to do! NURSE OLIVIA: Just read your Scriptures (carefully studies And your stage directions, too! script, checking references in Bible) {SECTION ENDS} “MARRY ME!” (sung to “Grow for Me”) [DIALOGUE SPOKEN DURING INTRO MUSIC:] PARIS (spoken): You’re perfect for me, Rosey! (grovels at Say you’ll be mine, her feet) And I’ll do whatever you ask me to! ROSALIND: Except get lost! PARIS: I’ll stay at home with the kids and be a househusband! Whatever Baby wants! Whatever Milady needs! ROSALIND: I need you to leave! PARIS (sings): O Rosalind, darling! (kisses hem Don’t treat me like dirt! of her skirt) ROSALIND: You’re getting your slobber (yanks it away) All over my skirt! PARIS (spoken): O Baby, that hurts! (sings): I beg of you sweetie! ROSALIND (spoken loudly): Oh, not this again! / O, God! Not again! /PARIS (aside, softly): /My sweet honeybun! PARIS (sings): I’m down on my knee! ROSALIND (spoken loudly): I’ve had it with men! /PARIS (aside, softly): /Cuz I know she’s the one! PARIS (sings): O please, marry me! ROSALIND (shouts): NO!!! (slaps PARIS away) (sings): I’m already I’m pregnant With some other man! PARIS: The dumbest mistakes are Still part of God’s plan! ROSALIND (spoken, through gritted teeth) Let go of my hand! PARIS: A voice deep inside you Is crying for me: (spoken, baby-talk) DAD-DEE! DAD-DEE! So please, marry me! LADY CAPULET: Olivia cancelled her mission to be by your side! (to TYBALT/ We put you on fancy machin’ry to keep you alive! TYBALT’s heart) I promised your mom as her sis I’d treat you as if you were mine! I’m not asking for proof, But the least you can do for me, Tybbie is gimme a sign! {SECTION ENDS} A bright light flashes, then blackout. As LADY CAPULET sobs, face down on the bed, TYBALT appears as a spirit, carrying a lit candle to her. “SET ME FREE!” (sung to “Let It Be”) TYBALT (sweetly): Should I find it in my heart to tell her? (shocked, as he holds What other part is left of me?!! candle to heart machine I’M ON MY WAY TO HEAVEN -- SET ME FREE! amplifying his voice) Ahem! Somehow I don’t think she heard me, Though she’s sitting right in front of me! + AMPS/HEART MACHINE: AUNT CAPPY! MAKE ME HAPPY! SET ME FREE! Let me be! Let me be! SET ME FREE! SET ME FREE! They’ve wrestled me to pieces! Now let me rest in peace! LADY CAPULET: You were born at such a young age, (blind with grief) And your mother died in infancy! I’ll kill you if you leave me! Come back to me! TYBALT: My mother long departed Wouldn’t want to see you grieve for me. Both Heaven and Hell can hear you! Why the hell can’t you hear me? TYBALT/AMPS: SET ME FREE, LIKE THE BREEZE! LET ME PLEASE REST IN “PIECE”! You’re making me feel guilty! Stop it please! TYBALT/AMPS: SET ME FREE! SET ME FREE! LADY CAPULET: Stay with me! Stay here with me! (sees/grabs TYBALT) TYBALT: I’ll go right off to Heaven If you’d get your hands off me! AMPS/HEART MACHINE solo with synchronized “vital signs”. LADY CAPULET slowdances with TYBALT. Half-way through, TYBALT glances at his watch. PARIS: Marry me! Marry me! ROSALIND: Let me be! Paris, please! PARIS: I’ll take care of Baby, If you’d only marry me! I know you’re broken-hearted, You’re afraid to take a chance on me. ROSALIND: The baby’s dead in spirit -- let me be. Oh, Paris! You’re so perfect You deserve a perfect family. (PARIS embraces her instead) PARIS: I need someone who needs me! Marry me -- Please? PARIS: Marry me! Marry me! ROSALIND: Let me be! Let me be! I’m a fallen woman, can’t you see? ROSALIND: Let me be! TYBALT: Set me free! PARIS: Marry me! LADY CAPULET: Stay with me! PARIS: (falling all I’m the one who’s fallen for you, over ROSALIND, his Ros’lind, marry me! head on her belly) {SECTION ENDS} (spoken): Wait! I think I hear an extra heartbeat! PARIS reaches across the set to grab Nurse Olivia’s stethoscope. ROSALIND: (strokes It’s probably just the blood rushing through his hair) (spoken) Your thick . . . lovely skull. [INTRO MUSIC REPRISES AS HEART MACHINE/STETHOSCOPE HOOKED TO AMPS ECHO:] AMPS: OO, SHA-LA-LA-LOO: LUB-DUB! LUB-DUB! OO, SHA-LA-LA-LOO: LUB-DUB! LUB-DUB! PARIS: Here! Listen! (lets ROSALIND hear through stethoscope) PARIS/ROSALIND: TWINS!!! ROSALIND bursts into wails of agony; PARIS cries for joy, embraces her. TYBALT: Aunt Cappy, I don’t know what else I can say to you. (spoken) Are you listening at all, or are you just being stubborn? LADY CAPULET: Oh, Tybbie! You can’t leave me now! Not when Olivia’s been praying for you! “MARRY ME!”/“LET GO OF ME!” (Reprise) (sung to “Grow for Me”) TYBALT: Olivia’s praying for you, not for me! I can’t get to Heaven, ’til you set me free! I urge you to purge me from Purg-a-tor-y! Now, please! Let go of me! LADY CAPULET (spoken): NO! (sings) I don’t want to lose you! Stay here with me please! TYBALT: But dying is healthy! It’s not a disease! And life will continue . . . (holds spotlight/candle to PARIS/ROSALIND, making out) . . . through new families! So please, let go of me! I can’t be reborn as a child/angel In the Kingdom of God! As long as you scorn resurrection/at “recycling” As some kind of fraud! My heart has been torn out already! Don’t tear it to shreds! I’ve had more than enough Of this suffering stuff! Can’t you see that I’m better off dead? LADY CAPULET: You’re right. I’m being selfish. (spoken) TYBALT: Oh, please! Oh, Oh, Oh, . . . AMPS: OH, OH, OH, . . . TYBALT: PLE - E - EASE! PARIS/ROSALIND: She SAID YES! (spoken) TYBALT: (fades as Let . . . go . . . of . . . me . . . LADY CAPULET releases him) {SONG ENDS} Single spotlight moves from TYBALT’s heart to ROSALIND’s belly. HEART MACHINE/AMPS pump out 8-beat ending spin-off of “Let It Be”. [INTERMISSION or Optional Reprise of PARIS/ROSALIND’s duet “I’m Gonna Throw-Up!” (may also be placed at end of “It’s Adultery” garden scene)] “I’M GONNA THROW-UP!” (Reprise) (sung to “I Gotta Crow!) PARIS (to ROSALIND By the sun << et la lune >> and << les étoiles >>, as intro music YOU are the love of my life! begins): The most beautiful creature! The loveliest of -- ROSALIND: Paris? PARIS: Yes, love? ROSALIND (sings): I’m gonna throw-up! I was doing fine (got that jerk off my mind) Then you had to show up! I wanna throw-up! (retches) PARIS (spoken): Anything I can do to help (with--)? (removes hat) ROSALIND: NO! PARIS: I thought marriage was an equal partnership! You’ve been sick long enough -- now it’s my turn! ROSALIND: PARIS: What? We’ll switch places, trade roles! PARIS (sings): Now I feel it, too! ROSALIND (spoken): YOU?! PARIS (spoken): I do! PARIS (sings): The burden you bear is a joy if you share it With somebody who -- ROSALIND (spoken): Is CRAZY! PARIS (joyfully): Crazy for you! ROSALIND (sings): There’s no way to lick this Morning sickness! Try as you might! PARIS (sings): I want equal rights! If it means spilling out my insides (aside, in pain) Every night! PARIS/ROSALIND: So -- Just like a pearl (sing) Deep in the oyster We’ll greatly/later rejoice PARIS: For a boy -- ROSALIND: Or a GIRL! PARIS/ROSALIND: ’Til Heaven looks down And an Angel has found PARIS: ROSALIND: He has entered the world, SHE has entered the world, PARIS/ROSALIND: We’ll both sit around And hurl! (they retch together) {SONG ENDS} To Garden Scene

Jail/playground (may be projected on video screen) ROMEO,
in a dream of out-of-body astral projection, haunts scene of the crime.

“ON THE STREET WHERE YOU DIED” (sung to “On the Street Where You Live”)

ROMEO walks in a dream through cloud of smoke, looking down at the 4- square/hopscotch marks on sidewalk, and children’s markings on the wall. ROMEO: Tybalt isn’t this where you and Julie used to play? Now it fills my heart with gloom! Why did we have to choose this spot to get carried away, And send you to uncertain doom? (traces chalk marks on wall: game of “hangman”) Your heart lay on the ground while you were pounded to a paste, (slowly hopscotches, loses his balance) Another liver gone to waste! (spoken): DRAT! (falls backward to the ground, splattered with dried blood) I have often fought on this street before, But the pavement wasn’t stained red as a beet before! All at once are my thoughts of homicide, Knowing I’m on the street where you died! Will the media crash your funeral? Will they treat you like another roman numeral? (points out graffiti on wall: (C)MCMXCVIII) Did the blood I spill go to heav’n or hell? No, it’s still on the street where you died! Although the judicial system Teaches/Offers no forgiveness of sin, I hope the jury is Christian, So we’ll have mercy, peace, and justice in the end! (OPTIONAL: God’s Voice: “HA!” Romeo looks up and around) What will happen now to my family? This insanity is worse than any penalty! I would rather fry than be left alive, Standing here on the street where you died! (walks by poster/billboard sign: 1-800-72-LIVER) Standing here on the street -- where -- you -- died! {SONG ENDS} ROMEO awakened by JULIET, panicking that production delays will force her to marry PARIS and fake her death to escape the lifetime contract. “THE MOST HORRIBLE DREAM” (sung to “The Impossible Dream”) ROMEO: I dreamed the most horrible dream! (sings) I faced the most fearsome of foes! The shame that would punish injustice With blame so the violence grows! JULIET: You must clear your name of this wrong, So your case won’t drag on for so long That I’ll have to marry poor Paris, Who sings more unbearable songs! (sits up, belts out): I’d rather DIE than live with that JER-Kuh! ROMEO: Don’t joke about DYING, you’ll drive me BERSER-Kuh! JULIET: I’ll fake mine own death! I’ll hide in the vault! (overly Till you’re cleared of this capital/earth-shaking* crime passionate) that was never your fault! *(grabs bars, shakes For I know if I only have faith the cheap, flimsy set) that this nightmare will cease, When you’re free you will come back for me when I’m resting in peace... {SECTION ENDS} “STAR-CROSSED COUPLET (Reprise)” (sung to “Raoul I’ve Been There”) JULIET (rests her head against bars): You will rescue me, won’t you Romeo? ROMEO (spoken): “Ppbbfftt!” (sings): Now, Juliet! I’ve gone as far as I can go! {SECTION ENDS} “WORLD WITHOUT WAR” (sung a cappella to “Part of Your World”) ROMEO (sings): How many Romeo’s and Juliet’s Have tried this before And died RIGHT on the stage set? A glamourous/passionate scene for the screen, But what does it mean? Has the world changed? Or risen above The notion of killing and dying for love? [Or has it grown used to the shedding of blood?] That’s not for me! We must live to see A world without war! JULIET (amazed): How can you believe In justice and peace And not be Christian? Or live day to day Not knowing the Grace Of God’s Holy will? ROMEO (frantic): How shall this play end? Shall we be remembered As a couple of “star-crossed cadavers”? JULIET: But we’ll do it diff’rent! ROMEO: -- Over my dead body! You’ll get us both killed! JULIET: How many Juliet’s and Romeo’s (to audience) Get stuck in relations unequally yoked? Will I be a “lady-in-waiting” all of my life? Till I see the day God touches his heart The ultimate act of faith on my part! Until he’s reborn, how can we be joined As husband and wife? ROMEO: How can you believe in “equality” And call yourself “Christian”? When only the few who worship like you Are worthy to save? JULIET (spoken, in tears): You know that’s not true! ROMEO: If I take your cue, will I find myself “blindly led to Heaven” - What’s this leading into? Am I being sent to some premature grave? JULIET (bats eyes): Have some faith, Romeo! Please, just for once! ROMEO (gives in): All right -- but ONLY if I ABSOLUTELY MUST! ROMEO (touches her face): JULIET: I’ll try this again This time our plans to please you -- will come through, And risk my own life! We must get it right! {SECTION ENDS} “THE MOST HORRIBLE DREAM (cont’d)” (sung to “The Impossible Dream”) ROMEO: But the world better thank us for this, (sings) That our love so exploited for years Will finally come to fruition In the glorious name of- JULIET (perks up): The Lord? Jesus Christ? ROMEO: No, silly! (sings) SHAKESPEARE! {SONG ENDS} Disappointed, JULIET sighs, rests her head back down. [Optional Reprise of love scene in the dark see Appendix]

LAWYER/DIRECTOR/WRITER over ROMEO’s fate until armed PAROLEE interrupts.

“KANGAROO COURT” (sung to “Notes”/“Prima Donna”/“Rainbow High”/“Rainbow Tour”)

DIRECTOR: Everybody take your places! This scene is about to start! JUDGE: (fumbling with costume) But my robe isn’t pressed! DIRECTOR: Hurry up! Get dressed! (to WRITER) I’ll take away Your lap-top if you don’t stop Making changes! WRITER: But you SAID To chop some pages From this scene! DIRECTOR: I didn’t mean That ev’ry night You must re-write Each little part! (throwing hands No wonder why in the air) I cannot stand Performance Art! {SECTION ENDS} As JURY is seated, LORD/LADY CAPULET enter, fuming over their scripts. LORD CAPULET: INJUSTICE! (to DIRECTOR) I’m going to quit! / DIRECTOR: Lord Capulet! Walk off the set! LADY CAPULET: You must adjust this! (to WRITER) DIRECTOR: Don’t be upset! (to LORD CAPULET) LORD CAPULET: I won’t submit to A “feminist writer”! WRITER: (looks Who, me? up from writing) HE’S the director! / DIRECTOR: I’M the Director! LAWYER (to JURY): Ignore him! LORD CAPULET (to WRITER): Re-write my part! LAWYER (to JUDGE): He’ll taint the jury! LADY CAPULET: I protest! NEWS REPORTER: Here comes our star! (flashes camera A headline story! as ROMEO enters) LADY MONTAGUE: O Romeo! LORD/LADY CAPULET: Your son is doomed! LORD MONTAGUE: No, I don’t think so! DIRECTOR/LORD MONTAGUE: The only character who dies is TYBALT -- (checking script) A minor role! WRITER/LADY MONTAGUE: We’re NOT sacrificing the lead(s)! LADY CAPULET: (to JUDGE/LAWYER) You’re not defending every person! (to LORD/LADY MONTAGUE) You’re only standing up for YOUR/HER son! In all due fairness, What about my precious nephew? The family that he left? (to ROMEO) You little murderer! (as she is pulled away) ANIMAL! JUDGE: Stay fifty feet From Romeo! DIRECTOR: Forget this scene! Forget this show! LADY CAPULET: (to WRITER/JUDGE) Why should Tybalt die without cause? LORD CAPULET: (to JUDGE/JURY) This is re-vul-sive! ROMEO (to JUDGE): Your Honor, pardon me! LORD CAPULET: (to ROMEO/LAWYER): YOU are re-pul-sive! ROMEO (to LAWYER): Don’t let the jury be too hard on me! LADY MONTAGUE: You must save/spare him! (to WRITER/JUDGE/JURY) My Romeo! (as she swoons all over the place) DIRECTOR (to WRITER): I told you twice To cut this scene! WRITER (to DIRECTOR): They’re improvising In between! LORD CAPULET: This is a mockery! DIRECTOR: The play is long enough! (wrestles with WRITER) You’re wasting paper! LORD CAPULET: A legal lottery! DIRECTOR (rips script): No more reprises in the score! /JUDGE (bangs gavel): /Can I have order in my court?! {SECTION ENDS} JUDGE (spoken): Defendant rise. (to ROMEO): You’re charged with murder. DIRECTOR: This play is murder, too! JUDGE: In the case: the State of Texas vs. Montague! DIRECTOR: “Kangaroo Court” -- Take 5, Page 52, Act 3, Scene 2! {SECTION ENDS} LORD CAPULET: I don’t think we need to hear (interrupts) More than this scoundrel’s guilty plea! This case is over! DIRECTOR: Just stick to the script! Don’t ad lib! (to WRITER) No more re-writing it! (bangs gavel) This scene is called to order! JURY: (jumps Five! Ten! Fifteen! Twenty! up in a wave) Life sentence! Death sentence! Thirty! Forty! Fifty! Sixty! Death sentence! Life in prison! LADY MONTAGUE: I’m Romeo’s Mother! I plead for your mercy! This already hurts me! More than you know! It’s not a solution To punish another soul! Please don’t execute - my Romeo! JURY: Five! Ten! Fifteen! Twenty! Life sentence! Death sentence! LADY CAPULET: He slew Tybalt! (rises, pointing) He even admits it! I hope that he gets it! An eye for an eye! So we can see justice! BOTH LADIES: You’ve suffered, but so have I! LADY CAPULET: Because of his actions, Your son must die! JURY: Life sentence! Death sentence! Five! Ten! Fifteen! Twenty! (split) Five! Ten! Fifteen! Twenty! Life sentence! Death Sentence! Death! Life! Death! Life! Twenty! Fifteen! Ten! Five! Twenty! Fifteen! Ten! Five! Death! Life! Death! Life! ROMEO: But my weaker companions were clearly attacked by their enemy! Give me amnesty! I had to defend them! LAWYER: I’m your - LAWYER: WRITER: Lawyer! I’m the Writer! LAWYER/WRITER: You’ll do as I tell you! LAWYER: Or I’ll sue - WRITER: Or I’ll kill you! LAWYER/WRITER (competing): With the stroke of a pen! DIRECTOR (mad): This is way too chaotic! WRITER (glad): Let’s back up and start again! JUDGE (sad): Just skip to the ending! LAWYER: You’re not a dictator who knows how to carry this case! WRITER: And you’re not the star of the show, so get out of my face! JUDGE (bangs gavel twice): LET’S -- STOP -- all this nonsense! (accidentally hits DIRECTOR) This ain’t no way to run a courtroom! DIRECTOR (grabs gavel, bonks JUDGE on the head): More like a zoo! LAWYER: JUDGE: LORD CAPULET: ROMEO: So you noticed This is (A) pack of wild What's my line? it, too! lawsuit abuse! kangaroos! Where's my cue? DIRECTOR/JUDGE: (fighting over gavel) Order! In the courtroom! This show is supposed to be A musical comedy! Not screwball tragedy! ALL: Disorder in the Kangaroo Court! The judge curses underneath his breath! The gavel goes bang, the verdict still hangs On what to do with Montague While the jury says: Death! and Life and Death! and Life and Death! Mass chaos in the Kangaroo Court! The choice is prison, life, or death! The gavel goes bang - {SECTION ENDS} “PAROLEE'S LAMENT” (sung to “Waltz for Eva and Che”) PAROLEE: [BANG!] (fires gun Oh, how I’d kill to get fifty years! in the air, But my civil rights interfere waves it, as Since every jail is overcrowded! cast freezes, Don’t give me no mandatory release! dives for cover Condemning me to a life on the streets! in audience/court) Please trade me back for Romeo! {SECTION ENDS} “TAKE ME BACK TO MY PRISON” (sung to “Take Me Back to Manhattan”) PAROLEE: The more I roam (sings to Without a home, court/audience) The more I walk the street, The more I become convinced of the fact That prison can’t be beat! (OS sound of someone getting beaten up) These black and white stripes Look good on my types, And when I’m on parole, I pester the pastor to save me a place, For ’e sure can’t save my soul! Send me back to my prison! Take me back to my cell! I’m just longing to see once more: Four solid walls and a cold, hard floor! Tell my friends and my family: Don’t waste your money on bail! I miss the hot meals, the bunk-beds, The drug deals with them blockheads! ’Til I’m sent right back to my prison, My bed-and-breakfast jail! Take me back! Take me back! Take me back, cuz I wanna go back! To my rough but ready, ratty, rent-free jail! {SECTION ENDS} ALL: Mass chaos in the Kangaroo Court! The director's wasting all his breath! The gavel goes bang, the verdict still hangs On where to go with Romeo While the jury cries: JURY: Death! and Life and Death! and Life and Death! FOREMAN: And Life! {SECTION ENDS} JUDGE: Order! Order in the Court! DIRECTOR: I’ll take a cheeseburger! JUDGE: In the State of Chaos -- I mean -- Texas vs. Montague! DIRECTOR: “Kangaroo Court” -- Take 6, Page 54, Act 3, Scene 2! {SECTION ENDS} “JUDGE, YOUR HONOR” (sung to “Prima Donna”) JURY: Judge, Your Honor, of Southern District Court! (or The jury’s hung. We hold our tongue by the Fifth Amendment! FOREMAN) We’d rather see both the families agree What to do, and reach a true agreement! JUDGE: Petition granted! Now clear it from my court! The time is short, and my humor runs dry! No more guns, drop your swords! You’ll use much kinder words To mediate, negotiate, build a friendship! LORD MONTAGUE: What?! Objection! LORD CAPULET: Monsignor of the Court! LADY CAPULET: Your Majesty! LADY MONTAGUE: Most Exc'llency! LORDS + LADIES CAPULET/MONTAGUE: Royal Highness! JUDGE: It's foolish to duel! LORDS CAPULET + MONTAGUE: How unusually cruel! LORDS + LADIES CAPULET/MONTAGUE: We'd rather you would jail us LADIES CAPULET + MONTAGUE: Or fine us! {SECTION ENDS} “TAKE ME BACK TO MY PRISON” (cont’d) (sung to “Take Me Back to Manhattan”) PAROLEE: Tell the judge and the jury (holds Don't waste free housing on them! DIRECTOR I need the hot meals! A warm bed at gunpoint) More than these arguing blockheads! Get Romeo out of prison! And throw me back instead! (to JURY/ AUDIENCE) Take me back! JURY: MONTAGUE/CAPULET/DIRECTOR: Take him back! Take him back/Kick his ass!/Kiss my ass! PAROLEE: Take me back! Cuz I wan - na - go - ba-a-a-ck . . . To m-y-y-y pent - house prison! Take me back instead! JURY stands, applauds wildly; PAROLEE bows, blows kisses. {SECTION ENDS} JUDGE: For the LAST time, I want order! Order -- (to DIRECTOR): Don’t EVEN think about saying it! JUDGE: In the case of Texas vs. Montague! DIRECTOR/JURY: “Kangaroo Court” -- Take 7, Page 56 -- No, 55! (tossing script): Whatever! It’s Act 3, Scene 2! {SECTION ENDS} “JUDGE, YOUR HONOR” (cont’d) (sung to “Prima Donna”) JUDGE: Ladies! Lords! Restore order in my court! My temper’s short, and this scene’s running long! No weapons, no swords! You'll make peace, using words Not for fighting, but uniting in song! {SECTION ENDS} “MEDIATE” (sung to “Masquerade”) JURY: Mediate! Make peace! Negotiate! Why litigate? Don’t let the state Dominate communication! Mediate! Seeking freedom, healing hate! Alleviate! Don’t debate! No more anger and frustration! LORD MONTAGUE: Legal fees! LORD CAPULET: Precedence! LADY MONTAGUE: Can’t buy peace! LADY CAPULET: Or innocence! WRITER/LAWYER: Attorneys!/Appendices! JUDGE: Evidence! DIRECTOR: Guilty pleas! ROMEO: In self-defense! ALL: Justice Takes a walk Take a walk Money talks Through a huge Takes a lot! But can it Revolving An endless win your case? prison door! paper chase! {insert links to mediation resources: conflict resolution training: 747-9999 TX AVP (workshops); 1-800-569-4054 (manuals); 526-TALA TX Accts & Lawyers for Arts} JURY: Mediate! Praise God it’s not too late! State your case! Don’t be afraid To convey your own opinion! Arbitrate! (If you cannot mediate!) Separate Church and state From your personal dominion! JULIET enters in spirit, or voice over PA; whispers in her father’s ear. JULIET: Mediate! Change the world! Restore your faith! (hugs LORD CAPULET) Celebrate! Congregate And create a real solution! (JULIET disappears) JURY: Advocate Harmony instead of hate! Free the state! Unlock the gate To a global revolution! LORD CAPULET: Juliet? (looks around) JUDGE: Montague! (points gavel) Capulet! We’ll start with you! LORDS CAPULET/ MONTAGUE: (point Why with us? to their wives) Why not them? Ladies first! LADIES CAPULET/ MONTAGUE: Silly men! JUDGE: I’ll lock you in my Judge’s Chambers! Day and night While you fight/ LORDS/LADIES: /We’ll only fight! CAPULET/MONTAGUE: /They’ll only fight! JUDGE: ’Til you learn to make peace, Or it’s contempt of -- Court / LORD CAPULET: Lord, {SECTION ENDS; BLENDS INTO NEXT} “JUDGE, YOUR HONOR” (cont’d) (sung to “Prima Donna”) JUDGE:/LORD CAPULET: -- Court/Lord, have Mercy! LORD MONTAGUE: Official of the Court! LADY MONTAGUE: Your Majesty! LADY CAPULET: Most Exc'llency! LORDS + LADIES CAPULET/MONTAGUE: Royal Highness! JUDGE: It’s stupid to duel! LORDS CAPULET + MONTAGUE (to Judge): How unusual! And cruel! LADIES CAPULET/MONTAGUE: We'd rather you would jail us LORD MONTAGUE (quickly correcting them): Or fine us! LORD CAPULET(to Director in background): I'm Lord Capulet! I will not leave this set, till my civil rights are respected! JUDGE/DIRECTOR: Lords and Ladies! Be quiet in my court/Please exit from the court! DIRECTOR: Life is too short! Can’t we all get along? JUDGE: No bullets, no swords! You’ll make peace - mark my words! JUDGE/DIRECTOR: Now hurry, and finish this song! {SECTION ENDS} DIRECTOR How can anyone expect me to direct (aside): A pack of starving actors crammed upon a set? A lawyer, judge, and jury! Parents in a fury! (ducks Felon on parole gunfire) (No sense of gun control!) A writer whose song lyrics Seem to mix Tom Lehrer, Timmy Leary, And expanding chaos theory! People may be used to one or even two But not a four hour musical! JUDGE/DIRECTOR: Lords and Ladies, why mince your syllables? This play needs action, not overlapping Operatic retorts! Since the Play producer’s budget can’t afford the wealth To pay for all the damage to my mental health, JUDGE: Remove this case from -- [pause] JURY: Remove this man from -- [pause] DIRECTOR: Remove this scene from -- [pause] JUDGE/JURY/DIRECTOR: My Court! / The Floor!! / The Score!!! {Entire cast and crew collapse or storm off the set, leaving one critic standing in the audience, clapping wildly} CRITIC: EN-CORE!!! {SONG ENDS}

(Vault) Loud scene change from court to vault, where JULIET
and BROTHER AUSTIN get trapped due to faulty set design,
surrounded by corpses on slabs labelled with names of dead
Shakespearean characters.

“NUTS” (Reprise) (sung to “Notes”)

RANDOM VOICES (in Hey! Watch it there! Be careful! the dark, as one of That’s my foot! OW! My hand! Quiet, man! the prison bars I DON’T see the marks clatters to the floor) That GLOW in the dark! (stage-whisper) Over there! I think you must be standing on -- Not me! That’s Juliet! / JULIET: It’s Juliet! The play director should have planned This whole thing better! It’s too dark And dangerous for untrained nincompoops like you to change a set!/ /And crowded on the stage for nincompoops like you to change the set! /It isn’t safe for us as untrained amateurs to change the set! {SECTION ENDS} “DO YOU CALL THIS A VAULT?” (sung to “All I Ask Of You”) JULIET: (holds up Really, Brother Austin! a penlight)(sings) Do you call this a vault? BROTHER AUSTIN: We spent too much on costumes! (holds lit candle, These props are all we’ve got! bloody rubber arm, wooden cross, chisel) JULIET: (picks at What is THIS -- a COBWEB? fluffy white stuff, What names are on those slabs? flashes light across to other side of stage) (reading) Ophelia? BROTHER AUSTIN: And Hamlet! JULIET: MACBETH? BROTHER AUSTIN: The entire gamut! {SECTION ENDS} “THE DEMON OF BAD OPERA” (sung to “The Phantom of the Opera”/“The Music of the Night” “Wouldn’t It Be Loverly”/“Think of Me”) OPHELIA: (suddenly The penis mightier sits up, sings) Than any sword, A tool of human lust Still thrusting forward! From noble birth in wombs, To death in tombs (tosses locket toward What tar-get are we nameless lords and la-dies HAMLET, who catches it Aiming toward? with his upstretched arm) HAMLET: I could have married you, Brought forth some lads, But for bad karma with Our hopeless dads! Why pass the same disease to newborn cells? HAMLET/OPHELIA: ’Twas bet-ter half the cast of Shakespeare’s tragedies Abort themselves/Destroy ourselves! {SECTION ENDS} ROMEO’s image: Forgive me, Father, for I know I’ve sinned (projected on wall) Out of lust for busty Rosalind! But don’t you forgive that Paris-gent! ’Til he repents of his sexual harassment! BROTHER AUSTIN: Romeo? Praying to God? Since when? (clutches his chest) {SECTION ENDS} JULIET’s image: All I want is a tomb somewhere Full of skeletons/mannequins and Stagnant air! (coughs) More bones than I can bear! O isn’t it cadaver-ly? Lots of deadbeats for company! Lots of headstones surrounding me! All labelled R, I, P! O isn’t it cadaverly! {SECTION ENDS} JULIET: Romeo? No, it’s a ghost - (confused) If that’s me, am I still here? Or am I dead? This must be a dream Of future things I fear! GHOUL: Fear nothing, Juliet, ’til I arise: The Demon of Bad Poetry appears Before your eyes! {SECTION ENDS} GHOUL waves his cape, vault door slides shut. BROTHER AUSTIN collapses. JULIET: Help me unscrew this plywood from its sticking place! (grabs chisel, Brother Austin must see the Nurse at once! attacks the set) Hey, guys! If this is your idea of fun, (to set crew): I ain’t laughing! Your jest is in poor taste! GHOUL: (wrestles I find it hard to keep holding a straight face! with his mask, about to fall off) {SECTION ENDS} “SOMEHOW” (sung to “Somewhere”) JULIET: O Romeo, dear Romeo! (still What I go through for you, Romeo! tries to You had better my instructions get, pry boards Unlike the losers/pranksters who built this set! loose) Or this whole plan Is fouled up yet! {SECTION ENDS} GHOUL: What’s foul is fair, (creeps up What’s fair is foul! on JULIET) From Molière To Ginsberg’s Howl! They say talk is cheap, But there’s a price for free speech! {SECTION ENDS} GHOUL spreads open his red/black cape, bathing the vault in blood-red light, revealing corpses standing on their slabs. BROTHER AUSTIN faints. JULIET: You mean that hell is just a world (her back Of tragic poetry and prose? the wall) GHOUL: Worse! It’s putrid verses Set to songs from ANYTHING GOES! (cackles) {SECTION ENDS} “HADES HOP” (sung to “Heaven Hop”) GHOUL leads chorus of tap-dancing DEMONS in a cappella “exorcise” class. GHOUL: Down in Hades’ wretched portals Where the torture never stops [CHORUS shrieks] All the suffering immortals do A dance call the Hades Hop! In our subterrestrial center, It’s the only dance we do! To enroll your soul and enter, Just sing: BO-O-O!!! CHORUS joins in: BOO-BOOP-EE-DOO! Raise your spades and set them digging, Lift your feet and get them jigging! Start right now and do the Hades Hop, Hop, the Hades Hop! Wag your tail, but keep it level! [Or: Shake them hip bones, keep ’em level!] Let your shoulders gently swivel! If you want to tease the devil, take up the Hades Hop! *When the demons rant on, like they’re doing yoga! Kneel and chant on / [2nd time: Chant their mantra], Then get up and shake your toga! Let that stress possess your bod-y Then confess (spoken): “the devil’s got me!” [2nd time: See how easy? Nothing to it (spoken): “When the devil makes you do it!”] Start right now and do the Hades Hop, Hop, the Hades Hop! [DANCE, repeat * with var.] Start right now and do - the - Hades -...- HOP! /NURSE OLIVIA: HALT! /JULIET: STOP! DEMONS flee at the sight of NURSE OLIVIA, who revives BROTHER AUSTIN. “STAR-CROSSED COUPLET” (Reprise) (sung to “Raoul I’ve Been There”) NURSE OLIVIA: Come! Let’s away, while your candlelight still burns. (motions to JULIET) JULIET (sadly): I’ll wait right here, till my Romeo returns. {SECTION ENDS} “WORLD WITHOUT WAR” (Reprise) (sung a cappella to “Part of Your World”) JULIET (alone How many Juliet’s and Romeo’s in the dark): Get stuck with a partner unequally yoked? Will I be a lonely old maid the rest of my life? (candlelight out) {SECTION ENDS}

(Judge’s Chambers) LORDS CAPULET and MONTAGUE are locked up
until they make up. They sit at a chess table, taking turns very slowly.

“DUELING DADS” (sung to “She’s a Diamond”/“New Argentina”, etc.)

CAPULET: Who in hell does the Writer think she is? (scowling) Mediation?! MONTAGUE: The right to petition! BOTH: Free speech! What cruel and unthinkable torture is this?! MONTAGUE: With rulings like that one, why bother with capital punishment! {SECTION ENDS} CAPULET: Hey! Your son Romeo mutilated my nephew! MONTAGUE: Tybalt attacked his friends! CAPULET (under his breath): Those faggots! MONTAGUE: Their behavior is caused by your DUMB marriage laws! CAPULET: What illogical nonsense! How did you ever get through law school? MONTAGUE: Well, YOU can’t sing or act! How did you get cast in this play? CAPULET: You’re the one without a talent or a clue! Thank God I was cast as me instead of you! MONTAGUE: That’s not true! You haven’t heard me blow my sax with heart and soul! CAPULET: You had to blow SOMEONE to get a leading role! {SECTION ENDS} “YOU’RE A FLOP” (sung to “You’re the Top”) CAPULET: At mowing you low, I’m such a pro! And I’ve always found I’m bound Not to pussyfoot around, But cut you down, right to the ground! I love parading my crude berating That will leave you with a scar, And though my song is not too long, At least it will speak of how WEAK you are! You’re a flop, you’re a total joke! (Ask your pop if the condom broke!) You’re a social bum, a hopeless scum, you’re trash! You’re a screechy wiper, a dirty diaper with diaper rash! You’re the pits, you’re the worst disgrace! You’re the zits on a greasy face! A pompous poser ’bout to close up shop! You’re a ZERO from the bottom to the top! MONTAGUE: Your snarling, darling, ain’t worth the quarreling! On the other hand, boy, you stank, And with each complaint you crank, My interest shrank, and down it sank! Some wimpy “yes-man” with the Houston Press can Give you a good review, Their critic department must be hard up, [OR: Their theatre staff must be blind and daft] Cuz I don’t see what they see in you! You’re a flop, you’re a mangy mutt! You’re what drops from a hippo’s...behind! You’re the slime I’d wipe off a sewage pipe! You’re muck! You’re a closet boozer, a natural loser, you’re Daffy Duck! You’re a spud, you’re a squashed zucchini! Elmer Fudd, and Beanie Weanies! A hot air balloon that’s scheduled soon to pop! (pokes the big belly of CAPULET who laughs: “STOP!”) You’re a BOZO from the bottom to the top! CAPULET: You’re the fuzz on a rotten peach! MONTAGUE: You’re a scuz, a blood-sucking leech! CAPULET: You’re manure on the street In the summer heat of Spain! BOTH: You’re a toxic lake, a belly-ache, BOTH: You’re a (bumping heads) MI-GR-AINE! MONTAGUE: You’re the nose on the ancient Sphinx! CAPULET: You’re what grows in my bathroom sinks! MONTAGUE: You’re a pile of slop about to go ker-plop! BOTH: You’re a BOZO from the bottom, You’re a ZERO from the bottom, You’re a “DITTO” from the bottom to the top! {SECTION ENDS} “DUELING DADS” (cont’d) (sung to “She’s a Diamond”/“New Argentina”, etc.) MONTAGUE: I resented you/How I hated you Ever since high school When you dated “Miss President” (dreamily) Of Republicans for a Cleaner Environment. . . So I went to Homecoming with the Head of The “Death Penalty Debate Team” (sadly) Who quickly talked me into a “life sentence”! CAPULET: That gorgeous doll?! I confess that I was jealous, too! BOTH: I do anything at all To trade . . . off wives . . . with . . . you . . . MEN exchange glances, break into grins/laughter. (Optional dialogue: “Hey, that's not a bad idea!” “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” etc.) “YOU’RE A FLOP” (sung to “You’re the Top”) MEN shake hands/take turns slapping each other’s back harder and harder: [You’re my hero from the bottom to the top!] Wanna thank you from the bottom, Gonna thank you from the bottom Gotta/God I thank you from the bottom of my heart! {SONG ENDS}

(Garden) LORD MONTAGUE finds LADY CAPULET grieving in the
garden. LADY MONTAGUE/LORD CAPULET catch them, PARIS/ROSALIND romancing.

“LADY CAPULET’S GRIEF” (sung to “Another Suitcase in Another Hall” /“High Flying Adored”)

LADY CAPULET: I search the skies (sings) To find the sun of my life has gone black! Unless you count his final bow/the curtain call, Tybalt’s not coming back! LORD MONTAGUE: Nay, milady, such bright rays -- (squints up at And low-budget lights we’re using! -- the spotlights Leave little room for somber hues ‘n’ Cries like that! LADY CAPULET: I beg your pardon, now! (startled) LORD MONTAGUE: Sons must set, that daughters may rise ‘n’ (signals to tech for more romantic lighting) LADY CAPULET: Leave my garden, NOW! (shooing him) LORD MONTAGUE: Blue moons turn to new moons on a pink horizon! (Pink and blue gels are adjusted until they blend to soften the light) LADY CAPULET: Do you dare mock my grief? LORD MONTAGUE: I’m trying to make colorful conversation, LADY CAPULET: When I cannot choose but weep? LORD MONTAGUE: That I might be (kisses her hand) your consolation. {SECTION ENDS} LADY CAPULET: If grief takes five steps to heal/to soothe (unable to How many scenes can this tragic relief last? resist his touch) And how can a mother feel/how else shall I suffer through Such “outrageous misfortune” until it too shall pass? LORD MONTAGUE: In silence as I have, separated from you! And with patience, my true love! Awaiting the moment, a chance for elopement! Too scared to open up my mouth and a-- {SECTION ENDS} LADY CAPULET plants a huge kiss on his lips, embrace passionately. LADY MONTAGUE enters, calling out for Rosalind, followed by LORD CAPULET. LADY MONTAGUE: Blasted adulterer! O woe is me! (falls backward To have seen what I didn’t need to see! onto LORD CAPULET) LORD CAPULET: O milady, life isn’t always fair! LORD CAPULET: LADY MONTAGUE (stumbles on PARIS/ROSALIND in bushes): It could be worse! It just got worse -- That’s Rosalind and Paris? Paris! [Surprise Reprise of PARIS/ROSALIND’s duet may fit anywhere in here!] [OPTIONAL REPRISE: I Wanna Throw Up! Paris and Rosalind] LORD CAPULET faints. LADY MONTAGUE administers CPR, LORD CAPULET kisses her back, rests his head in her lap as they sit on the garden bench. "IT'S ADULTERY" (sung to "It's De-Lovely") LADY MONTAGUE: We’re not in love, it’s very clear. (looking toward We can’t stay married another year! others) (aside It’s unlawful! (Simply awful!) to audience) It’s adultery! LORD CAPULET: If I’ve put you, my true wife away, It's shameful whether I'm straight or gay -- How enlightening! (spoken): Oh how frightening! It’s adultery! BOTH: It’s no wonder we fight! Living wrong for so long, we’ve forgotten what’s right! We would be better friends if we only let go! How were we to know? Oh-- LADY M: (kisses her fingertip, touches his lips)--Say no more! LORD C: (muffled under her finger) Except “I do”! BOTH: I’ll gladly trade that old bag/my old man for you! No more lying! Dishes flying! No more crying! No more spying! (spot other couple watching) No more guilt trips, false commitments! No more lies, It’s adultery! LADY CAPULET: I feel a sudden urge to scream Some four-letter words in a continual stream! But to squelch my desire to curse, I’ll sing in Shakespearean verse! LORD MONTAGUE: To switch off partners seems to me The perfect end to this calamity! Why not bring great joy from pain? Let us all join in and sing the refrain! [Optional Aria: PARIS/ROSALIND still making out PARIS: Ma-pet-EAT-a-MI! ROSALIND: Ah-oui-ah-OUAIS-pa-ree! PARIS: ROSALIND: O-bébé-please-don’t-TI’s! Don’t ruin the whole love scene!] Lord/Lady C: The time has come to call it quits Instead of fighting like idiots! How relieving! No more grieving! No more suffering! Lord/Lady M: Life turns around when we endorse True marriages without divorce! No more cheating! It’s misleading! It’s adultery! ALL: See the big civil court! (See the clerk’s face when she types the report!) Hear the loud BANG of the gavel ending our doom! Let’s leave the room! ZOOOM! (Couples tango until they bump) How we cheer and how we smile, Going hand-in-hand-in-hand-in-hand (group tango) down the aisle! To a wedding bed yet undefiled (spoken: “Where the four of us can go hog wild!”) No offending! Backwards bending! {imaginative choreography} No pretending a happy ending! No more guilt trips, false commitments! No more lies! No adultery! {SONG ENDS}

(Witnessing) As JULIET has all but given up, PARIS visits
ROMEO in prison to witness to him as a Christian brother. ROMEO finally
relents, if only to get PARIS to stop singing and swinging his sword.

“SPIRITUAL THINGS” (sung to “All I Ask of You”/ “My Favorite Things”/“Suddenly Seymour”)

PARIS (sings): You have been forgiven if you’d forgive yourself! ROMEO: It doesn’t make a difference! I’m stuck inside this prison! PARIS: Your future matters to me and God who’s everywhere! (to audience) Good people in the Audience! Applaud and show you care! PARIS (spoken to ROMEO, as audience claps and cheers): Praise God! ROMEO (spoken): I don’t believe in “God”! PARIS (sings): Do you believe in love? In truth? And knowledge? ROMEO (sings): I’m not sure what I’m thinking anymore! PARIS: O Romeo! If you believe in righteousness, that’s God! That’s Jesus! God is pure, like little boys and girls. . . (daydreaming about future babies) The source of glorious wonders of the world! {SECTION ENDS} PARIS: Commandments from Moses and Wisdom from Buddhas, The State Constitution, Handel's "HALLELUJAH's!" Black Gospel songs giving PR-AISE to the LA-AWD! These are the gifts of an Almighty God! ROMEO: Angry ex-girlfriends who slash all your tires! PARIS: Handsome lead actors in musical satires! ROMEO: What good is praying to some higher being When I’m being preyed on by dorks who can’t sing! PARIS: Why get manic? I don't panic! Jesus is my friend! Instead of exclaiming << Mon Dieu! Sacre Bleu! >> I joyfully sing "AMEN!" ROMEO: You’re distressing! PARIS: I’m a blessing -- only God could send! To stop you from screaming ROMEO cries: "Good Lord Jesus Christ!" Paris (cringes): And teach you to sing "AMEN!" PARIS: Jesus means freedom and true peace and justice! He came to save us, not handcuff and bust us! Speak the whole truth and you’ll set yourself free! Till then you’ll be stuck on the stage here with me! ROMEO: How depressing! PARIS: Count your blessings! Let me be your friend! Instead of your yelling--[covers Romeo’s mouth before he can curse]--the Lord's name in vain Be thankful and say "AMEN!" {SECTION ENDS} ROMEO: Your lines, your role is easy! Your love life isn't wild! But Rosalind's gone crazy! She wants to kill my child! Paris: No, that girl's a sweetheart. She's going to marry me! She's given me a new part: the father of her baby! Romeo: She What? When? How? You must have been convincing! Paris: I changed her mind by simply singing to her! Romeo: Hallelujah! I know God must love me! To plan this happy ending all along! [to audience] If I can just survive this dreadful song! {SECTION ENDS} PARIS (sings): Commandments from Moses and Wisdom from Buddhas! [pulls sword]: The Second Amendment, Handel’s HALLELUJAH's/[Rom: “Hold your horses”!] Paris: Black Gospel songs giving PR-AISE to the LA-AWD! These are the gifts of an Almighty God! Jesus the double-edged sword of righteousness! He came to save us from death and injustice! Know ye the truth by << L’Holy Esprit >>! You’ll set Juliet and the rest of us/audience free! *{Romeo: No more encores! I’ll go bonkeurs! *{Repeat ad nauseum Will this never end?/Are we near the end? {until final AMEN} Paris: If you swear not to swear << Au Secours! Zut Alors! >> I’ll skip to the last Amen!} AH-AH-AH-MEN! {SECTION ENDS} BROTHER AUSTIN enters with PAROLEE, who exchanges places with ROMEO. PARIS is too enrapt in his solo to notice ROMEO’s escape to freedom. (audience cheers as ROMEO is freed/PARIS assumes applause is for him) PARIS (passionately Jesus and Justice are found deep inside you! preaches to audience): Justice and Freedom go hand in hand! Find Christ in your conscience and trust Him to guide you! To a true understanding . . . PAROLEE: that we have equal standing! PARIS: And we have equal voice . . . PAROLEE: in what we’re demanding! PARIS/PAROLEE: We have equal standing by the laws of the land! AH-MEN! {SONG ENDS} OPTIONAL SPLIT STAGE: ROMEO/AUSTIN cross to vault where JULIET awaits. OPTIONAL REPRISE “Love Scene in the Dark” [see Appendix] followed by:

FINALE Where all couples meet in vault-turned chapel for mass wedding.
2 by 2 they start to make out (audience invited!), strip down to their
medieval pantaloons, leaving AUSTIN/OLIVIA alone to preach about sex and
violence in the media. By finale, they strip again to patriotic undies.

GET READY TO MARRY ME (sung to “My Baby Just Cares For Me” from Whoopee!)

BENVOLIO: I’m so happy MERCUTIO: I’m so gay BEN/MERC: We made it - CAST (spoken): - LATE! - BEN/MERC: - To our wedding day And our favorite lesbian couple made it, too! STACEY/WENDY: Boop-Boop-ee-doo! QUARTET B/M/S/W: The laws won’t let us join in God As man-to-man and broad-to-broad But it doesn’t say we can’t play switch-a-roo! BEN/WENDY: My Stacey don’t really mind Who signs on the dotted line She’s ready to marry me! MERC/BEN (moon): My Wendy don’t care who wears two faces! W/S (kick them): We’re into time-sharing and trading places! BEN/WENDY: Mercutio, take my hand! {WENDY puts BEN’s hand down MERC/STACEY: Benvolio, be my man! the front of MERC’s pants} QUARTET B/M/S/W: We’re mixed up as we can be! We’ll figure it all out later! (pointing) He/She’s ready to marry me! PARIS/ROMEO/ Dear Rosalind/Dear Juliet take my hand! LORDS: /Dear Lady, please take my hand ROSALIND/JULIET/ Dear Paris please/Dear Romeo be my man! LADIES: /Lord Montague/Capulet be my man! We’re happy as we can be! The joining of seven couples As one nutty family! {SECTION ENDS} VIOLENT SHOWS/FREE THE PRESS! (sung to “Anything Goes!”/“Stranger Than You Dreamt it”/“Be Our Guest”) NURSE OLIVIA: Times are strange! Have we turned our brains into blobs? BROTHER AUSTIN: Watching TV like a bunch of slobs? NURSE OLIVIA: Putting out for pornographic jobs? BROTHER AUSTIN: If we both told the actors please not to cuss BOTH: Instead of someone arresting them, They’d slap [SLAP!] the cuffs on us! NURSE OLIVIA: In modern days a dirty movie Is looked on as something groovy And Heaven knows--everything shows! BROTHER AUSTIN: Computer games like tennis and Pac-man Gave way to more sinister Batman videos! Based on violent shows! BROTHER AUSTIN: The world just ain’t right today! Skirts are tight today! NURSE OLIVIA: But kids are loose today! [Articles of clothing fly out left and right from behind stone pillars and now empty slabs] Do as they choose today! BROTHER AUSTIN: And they choose clothes today NURSE OLIVIA: That sure expose today BOTH: What used to be enclosed! NURSE OLIVIA: Although I’m no religious scholar I bet you my ev’ry last dollar it’s pre-disposed! And not from violent shows! BROTHER AUSTIN: Until the California bomber Gets just a little bit calmer, wherever he goes Stop the violent shows! NURSE OLIVIA: When daughters get disowned by father Because they have done a rather revealing pose Sinfulness shows! BROTHER AUSTIN: If dirty books you like-- NURSE OLIVIA: Or dirty looks you like! BROTHER AUSTIN: Or dirty ads you like! NURSE OLIVIA: Or dirty dads you like! BROTHER AUSTIN: Or dirty moms you like! [Lords and Ladies pop in and out and about] NURSE OLIVIA: Or peeping toms you like-- BOTH: The state will not impose! NURSE OLIVIA: When lots of girls who can’t yet toddle Are already high-paid/topless models in studios! Everything shows! BROTHER AUSTIN: Everyone knows it comes from violent shows! {SECTION ENDS} NURSE OLIVIA: Remember what the Bible says: You aren’t defiled by what it is That goes in your mouth, But by the words that come out! BROTHER AUSTIN: But Scripture (flips through Bible) . . . . . . also says the marriage bed is undefiled The acts within are sacred and pure As long as they’re sensual -- I mean - consensual Acts of holy matrimony! NURSE OLIVIA: O, is THAT how you justify All this swinging and stripping On stage in God’s eyes? As marital erotica? BROTHER AUSTIN: It’s cleaner than porn! (shrugs) It’s a healthy alternative! NURSE OLIVIA: Well, I’ll be darned! At least you’ve been warned, you’ve been warned! Churches will protest and preach on TV Or host a world con-fer-ence on chastity! BROTHER AUSTIN: That’s the whole point! To get more exposure -- (as clothing is tossed) I mean - free publicity? CAST (heads pop up): PUBLICITY? BROTHER AUSTIN: Yes! Y’know, free press? {SECTION ENDS} CAST freezes. "FREE THE PRESS!" (sung to "Be Our Guest") WRITER re-enters: Nothing’s more unnerving When the Senate isn’t serving Its purpose to provide an equal voice. Way back when America was smaller, No one hollered to be heard above the noise! Using quills and simple presses, Statesmen issued their addresses, Now the art of public speaking has been lost To rap songs, fax machines and BBS’s. In a state as big as Texas There’s one way to send a message: {SECTION ENDS} ENTIRE CASTS pops out in red/white/blue patriotic underwear, waving flags, pom-pons, loaded with confetti, balloons, streamers, noisemakers. ALL: Free the press, free the press! Every grievance to redress! ROMEO: No more signing false confessions (fights JULIET Under pressure or duress! to keep undies on) ALL: Life’s a stage! Vent your rage Through the arts at any age! (slow) No one’s suing or complaining Filing orders for restraining! Farce by farce! Pun by pun! Life should always be this fun If it isn’t then you’re under too much stress! [OR: So let’s sing and dance and laugh away distress!] Come join our cast and crew And bring a friend or two! Be our press! Free the press! Free the press! [2nd time] Be our press! Free the press! Cuz we need free speech and press! [shout] YES! {LIGHTS OUT} CAST/DIRECTOR (as if backstage): “Bravo!” “Good Show!” OPTIONAL REPRISE/EPILOGUE (WRITER) Written years ago was a Shakespeare play Full of tragedy we still have to-day ’til we get the story right! Any Juliet with a brain in-set knows the way to get to your true love yet Isn’t double suicide! We need to do a “slight” re-write. . . For - a - feminist is a devious one! / God created Eve to have “mischevious” fun! You can do the same old Shakespeare, shedding tears for the dead, Or mock the problems of the world and laugh your head off instead! [spoken: “HOW?”] JULIET & ROMEO (title song) Enter Chorus (in groups of two’s and three’s): You gotta SING a little...SWING a little -- Get up and do/Self-produce your own THING a little! To tell the story of Juliet and Romeo! You gotta SLOW DANCE a little, RO-MANCE a little, Reconcile with opponents a little! That’s the story of Juliet and Romeo! As long as there are Romeo's and double-daring Juliet's, There's hope the couple overthrows / The world with true free speech and press! Oh, yes! You gotta spoof a little! Goof a little! Raise the theatre roof a little! To tell the story of Juliet and Romeo! {DANCE + optional verses:} You gotta DEW-OP a little, SCREW-UP a little, change the tunes you GREW-UP with a little! To tell the story of Juliet and Romeo! You gotta CURSE a little, RE-HEARSE a little, play a role in re-VERSE* a little! To tell the story of Juliet and Romeo! As long as one “Big Government” divides the people, state and church The wealthy get in bigger debt, the poor do all the work! (That hurts!) We’re gonna SING a little, schwi-ING a little, and maybe do the wild THING a little! To tell the story of Juliet and Romeo! So that’s the story of Juliet and Romeo! This play was written to make God laugh, and showtunes reinvent, as Shakespeare might today portray American Government. The whole play symbolizes the chaos in society caused by parties competing by taking sides politically and legally, too caught up in their own suffering to notice anybody else's. It captures the pain and anger I've seen on both sides of political and religious issues, as a way for me to heal of my own grief over this. I hate politics, and this is my testimony. Juliet & Romeo: A Play on Life in America Story and lyrics by Emily Nghiem (713)867-5998 P.O. Box 981101, Houston TX 77098 (Full script posted at Description: Musical comedy bashing bipartisan politics left and right, through parodies on Broadway showtunes satirizing the love-hate relationship between Democrats and Republicans. Purpose: To create jobs for struggling artists while protesting politics, and inspiring opponents to kiss and makeup. Summary: Juliet, a Pro-Life feminist, falls for Romeo (a self-proclaimed atheist) when he and his friends disrupt her women’s Bible study. She tries to stop his girlfriend Rosalind from having an abortion after Romeo ends up on death row for defending his gay friends from Tybalt (trapped in a coma until Lady Capulet learns to let go). In the meantime Paris harasses Juliet sexually (and Romeo religiously) until the very end when all couples get paired correctly, in time for the patriotic finale. The characters confront church-state conflicts over the justice/prison system; abortion, death penalty, and termination; social/cultural prejudice; marriage laws, adultery, dysfunctional relations; and freedom of expression -- political, religious, artistic, or otherwise -- all of which explode with a bang in the chaotic court scene where the Montagues plea with the judge for clemency for their son, the Capulets order the play director to change the script to kill off Romeo, and the feminist playwright insists on making the families go through mediation. Since all the dialogue is set to music, it is easier to follow with the sound recording which I shall post scene by scene, pending proper permission. For a demo cassette, email me your mailing address or send a postcard to: Juliet & Romeo: J&R Emily Nghiem A Play On Life in America P.O. Box 981101 Houston, TX 77098 Scenes: Songs: Parody of: 1. Opening chorus number/political riot: “It’s A Typical Day” “It’s Election Day!” Li’l Abner 2. Duet (Romeo/Rosalind): “I’ll Never Fall In Love Again” “I’ll Never Ever Lust Again” (+ transition Promises, Promises 3. Acrobatic dance/rap (Romeo & friends): between 2 “Friendship”/Anything Goes! “Kinship” / ”Olivia’s Theme” & 3: Evita) “Maria”/The Sound of Music 4. Poetry slam at Juliet’s (J&R & friends): “What is Pink” “Racist Rap” (poem by Christina Rossetti) 5. Duet with Paris/Juliet: “You!”/ “I Get A Kick Out Of You” “ME!” / ”I’m Getting Sick of YOU!” Whoopee!/Anything Goes! 6. Balcony Scene, (Juliet/Romeo/Paris): “Somewhere” “Somehow” ”I Cain’t Say No!” ”I Can’t Take No” West Side Story/Oklahoma! 7. Gay “gay-bashing” bash (Romeo & friends): “Guys and Dolls” “Gays and Dykes” (+ Intro: Mikado) Guys and Dolls 8. Death Row Scene (Romeo & inmates, Juliet, Rosalind): “Oklahoma!” “Arizona!” (+ Intro: Mikado) ”A Time For Us” ”A Time for Trust” (Reprise: "Somehow") Oklahoma!/Romeo and Juliet 9. Prayer Scene (Olivia/Lady M, Rosalind): “I Gotta Crow!” ”I’m Gonna Throw-Up!” Peter Pan 10. Abortion protest at Apothecary’s (Juliet/Rosalind & co.) “The Farmer and the Cowman” “Pro-Choicers and Pro-Lifers” Oklahoma! 11. Wedding rehearsal: “Lifetime Marriage” “Love and Marriage” 12. Purgatory Scene (Tybalt/Lady C, Olivia, P & R): “Let It Be”/ “Grow For Me*” “Marry Me” / ”Let Go of Me” *Little Shop of Horrors 13. Dream Scene (Romeo, Juliet): “On the Street Where You Live” “On the Street Where You Died” “The Impossible Dream” ”The Most Horrible Dream” My Fair Lady/Man of La Mancha 14. Kangaroo Court Scene (Inmate, Romeo, Juliet & co.): “Take Me Back To Manhattan” “Take Me Back To My Prison” Anything Goes! 15. Vault Scene (Juliet, Austin, & demons): “Hades Hop” “Heaven Hop”/Anything Goes! 16. Male-bashing Duet (Lord C, Lord M): “You’re a Flop” “You’re the Top"/Anything Goes! 17. Swapping partners (Lords/Ladies C & M, P & R): “It’s De-Lovely"/Anything Goes! “It’s Adultery” (+ Intro: Evita / Reprise: “I’m Gonna Throw-Up!) 18. Paris witnesses to Romeo “Spiritual Things” “My Favorite Things”/ 19. Finale (Olivia, Austin, entire cast): The Sound of Music “Violent Shows” (+ Intro: Whoopee!) “Anything Goes!”/“Be Our Guest” ”Free the Press” Anything Goes!/Beauty and the Beast 20. Optional Epilogue (Writer + cast): “Many Moons Ago*”/”Glory of Love” “Juliet and Romeo” *Once Upon a Mattress” *{NOTE 1: In “feminist” version, all roles may be played by opposite gender or women only (except bisexual couples Mercutio/Benvolio/Stacey/Wendy). If the cast is all women, partners may switch costumes on stage during this “Juliet & Romeo” song at the beginning of Act II to effect “role-reversal”.} {NOTE 2: Fore “marital erotic” version, the following roles are intended for real-life couples: Juliet/Romeo, Paris/Rosalind; Lady Capulet/Lord Montague, Lady Montague/Lord Capulet; Nurse Olivia/Brother Austin; Mercutio/Benvolio/Stacey/Wendy} {NOTE 3: Potluck version: All 4 partners in the above sets should know each other's parts forward and backward so that they may switch roles at intermission or anytime during the performance.} {NOTE 4: In case of boredom or political unrest, cast may add inside-jokes to the lyrics in “Free the Press/Juliet & Romeo” to bash everyone in the production (except the writer and director). These two songs are for opening and closing a short revue of excerpts for promotional purposes.} APPENDIX ADDITIONAL SCENES/SONGS FOR FILM VERSION Scene 1-3: "RADICALS!" (sung to "Savages!" from Pocahontas) YELL LEADER: What do you want? RIOTERS: JUSTICE! When do you want it? NOW! What did you say? JUSTICE! When do we want it? NOW! What do you want? FREEDOM! When do you want it NOW! What did you say? FREEDOM! When do we want it? NOW! MERCUTIO/BENVOLIO: (sings/yells) Equal right for gays! STACEY/WENDY (shout): And lesbians! WENDY/MERCUTIO: We have the right to marriage! BENVOLIO/STACEY (shout): And to bring up children! BADGE #1: You cannot block this entrance! Move your butts/With your bus! ROMEO: BENVOLIO: Rosalind, keep the women clear! This is public property! ROMEO: BADGE #2: Guys, stay on the sidewalk here! The grass is private property! BADGE #2 I'll haul you away (to Benvolio): If you dare talk back to me! BADGE #3: That's a final warning! MERCUTIO: What is this, a police state? BENVOLIO: If you can't trust a cop, who(m) can you trust? ROMEO: Mercutio! Just let them be! STACEY/WENDY: What's - all - the - fuss? ROMEO: Don't push your luck, or test your fate! POLICE: Let's bust a bunch of gay political - POLICE/ Radical! PROTESTORS: Activists! POLICE: Crimi-nals! PROTESTORS: Nazis! ROMEO: STOP - IT! POLICE: And radical anarchists! Lawless at the core! They're anti-government! Advocating chaos! POLICE/PROTESTERS: Fighting a guerrilla war! PROTESTERS harass voters including LORD CAPULET who emerges from voting. PROTESTERS: On corporate dominance! MERCUTIO/BENVOLIO: PROTESTERS: Capitalist pigs! Thought Gestapo! STACEY/WENDY (at CAPULET): ROMEO: OINK! STOP IT! PROTESTERS: Conservative hypocrites! MERCUTIO/BENVOLIO: ROMEO: Breaking their own laws! Before you go too far! PROTESTERS: They pass religious acts! POLICE/LORD CAPULET: At least WE pay our taxes! PROTESTERS: Causing endless civil wars! PROTESTERS: LORD CAPULET (mild disdain): Conservative Republicans! Liberal Democrats! STACEY/WENDY: Not everyone's created . . . POLICE/LORD CAPULET: And radical feminists! STACEY/WENDY/ . . . Equally as stated! MERCUTIO/BENVOLIO: POLICE: LORD CAPULET: Criminals! Anarchists! Socialist Democrats! MERCUTIO/BENVOLIO: Laws have been outdated! PROTESTERS/POLICE/LORD CAPULET/ROMEO: United in a civil war! Back to Riot Scene 1 "RADICALS!" (Reprise) (sung to "Savages!") LORD CAPULET Your unexpected guests (to JULIET): Are worthless reckless heathens! Their lifestyle and their language are perverse! They frolick in their sin, Corrupting half the nation! Thomas Jefferson would curse! Unchristian! Un-American! Blatant homosexuals! Bleeding-heart liberals! Who let them in the door? They mock Christianity, Reject the name of Jesus, (horrified): And re-elected Clinton-Gore! They're radical liberals! Lazy good-for-nothings, Who rob the rich to pay the poor! Back to Poetry Scene 4 "RADICALS!" (Reprise) (sung to "Savages!") JULIET: Daddy, wait, don't make him go! ROMEO: (as he Search the Net for "Romeo"! is thrown out) MERCUTIO: Let's get out of here! BENVOLIO: The Capulets are crazy! PORTFOLIO: The stage was set to start fight! MERCUTIO: They're so indifferent BENVOLIO: Toward anybody diff'rent! PORTFOLIO: Religious, but they're far from right! TRIO: They're closet-case homophobes! PROTESTERS: Hateful evil people! TRIO: Conservative hypocrites! PORTFOLIO: Picking on the poor! PROTESTERS: Although they go to church, It's mammon that they worship - JULIET: Can - love - stop the scourge - of - war ? PROTESTERS: - Damaging the earth and more! TRIO: Conservative Republicans! LORD CAPULET: They tax the rich and use the poor! PROTESTERS: Bleeding-heart Liberals! TRIO: Christian hypocrites! LORD CAPULET: Liberal idiots! PROTESTERS: Wag-ing - a - guer--ril--la - war! JULIET: ROMEO: Is the suitor of my dreams What's the use of calling names? Lost to me in this obscene - war! Both sides lose in this insane - LORD CAPULET/TRIO: Engaging in a civ-il war! Back to Poetry Scene 4 "WAS IT GOOD FOR YOU?" (sung in the dark to "I'll Be Good For You") JULIET: But you turn me on! ROMEO: Juliet . . . Capulet!!! JULIET: I’m so mad about you! ROMEO: Are you for real? Or are you just acting? JULIET: Shut-up and kiss me, my sweet Romeo Montague! ROMEO: You must stop that! ‘Tis really not the time or place! JULIET: Just a quickie? It won’t take a minute! ROMEO: But the audience is listening! JULIET: I don’t mind, if THEY don't! ROMEO: Yes. . .oh, yes. . . JULIET: Romeo, am I pleasing you or teasing you? ROMEO: That’s so good, but not so fast! JULIET: O my God, what is that? ROMEO: I don’t usually get off like this, In real life I like to take it slow. But once you've started with a little kiss, It’s hard to hold it for the entire show! I’m dying to/But please let me know - was it good for you? Don’t lie - wasn’t I any good for you? JULIET: Hush, my darling, you’re embarrassing me! That’s not my breast, you’re just caressing my knee! Since this show opened, you owe me - - [what?] - two or three? But who’s counting when it’s too dark to see? Is THAT you or me? ROMEO: Don’t hold back on me! ROMEO: JULIET: O Juliet, Hush, now my love, you’re too much for me! you’re too much for me! JULIET (cries out): OHHH! (sings) Now you just owe me two! {SONG ENDS} Back to Prison Scene 8 "WAS IT GOOD FOR YOU?" (Optional Reprise) (sung through the wall to "I'll Be Good For You") BROTHER AUSTIN marries the couple through the walls of the vault. ROMEO: Not this again! Can't you wait till we're married? JULIET: But I’m so hot, aren't you? ROMEO: Quick Brother Austin! Come give us the blessing! BROTHER AUSTIN: Juliet Capulet, do you take Romeo Montague? (through the door) JULIET: Yes, I'll take him! I'll take him as you're speaking now! ROMEO: Stop, you hussy! Won't the Nurse be disappointed?* JULIET: That I just couldn't wait?* */BROTHER AUSTIN: Romeo, do you take her, too? ROMEO: Yes. . . oh, yes. . . BROTHER AUSTIN: How am I - going to break this to Olivia? (pacing) ROMEO: Here I come! JULIET: That feels nice . . . ROMEO/JULIET: O my God!/Romeo! ROMEO: Jesus Christ! (JULIET shrieks) BROTHER AUSTIN: The Nurse is always glad to welcome home (covers face) Children who in Jesus’ name doth come. But it's blaspemous to call His name When coming this way! How can I explain? (strange cries from within) BROTHER AUSTIN: What’s that? Come again? ROMEO: I can’t come again! How can I, risen twice, so quickly come again? JULIET: Hush! Now you still owe me one! {SONG ENDS} Back to Prison Scene 13 or Vault/Prison Scene 15-18 "HE'S FINE FINE FINE!" (sung to "Mine! Mine! Mine!") JULIET holds up play poster of ROMEO, cartooned after Mel Gibson. JULIET: Engaged to dear Paris How great is my sorrow (aside to To think I must suffer audience) The same scene tomorrow! I couldn't endure Such infinite horror Without a more handsome beau Playing my Romeo! (suddenly He's fine! O my what a guy! lights up) How I dig him, and his big (pause, wink) blue eyes! When our stars crossed I was sure lost! But if Jimmy Carter Confessed in his heart That he lusted, then Lord, why can't I? With all of my heart, soul, and mind! All of my life I have longed for a role like this one! A part I can sing from my heart every thought on my mind! One where I'm coupled With someone as hot as Mel Gibson! (aside) (He's married, alas! So I'll take out my passions On somebody almost as fine!) Am I dreaming or am I scheming? He's fine, so fine! So -- Fine me a fine, if I'm out of line! Is it wrong to long to Grip on his britches And rip out the stitches That come between his legs and mine! (stops to cover mouth in embarrassment) I'd better shut-up, never mind! (giggles, shrugs, sighs . . .) He's living proof of the Divine! O my! What a gorgeous body, he's fine! Back to Balcony Scene 5 Back to J&R Index More Musical Fun! Background and beautiful baubles by (e) Houston Progressive Webzine. All rights reserved. All wrongs reversed.