Excerpt from "Standup Sitcom" presented at the
Women's Festival 2000 Blowin' Up A Spot:
"The Bamps and the Beeps"
Hello, everyone. I really wasn't supposed to be here tonight.
Because I'm on probation. For sexual harassment.
You see, I almost got fired for kissing a feller at work.
Almost got fired, almost got him to kiss me. Shucks.
But my boss caught me, and sent me off to learn standup comedy
as part of my RE-habilitation.
Teach me how to hit on guys CORRECT.
Without getting slapped. With a lawsuit.
See, all standup comedy is, it's a legal way of sexually harassing
a whole roomful of people at once, and get away with it. Smiling.
Now, the problem I had with the feller at work is
he didn't know that kissing was foreplay.
Ever try explaining foreplay to someone who never heard of sex?
So I took it upon myself
to teach my friend about the birds and the bees,
and this is what I learned so far
using standup comedy language:
This area here on a male is called Mr. Happy. Cuz when he's happy,
the male of the species is happy. Everyone's [flying] happy.
World peace depends on THIS guy getting his piece.
Now the equivalent on the female is called Little Miss Fussy.
The pickiest part of a woman's body.
Half the time she's fussing "I vant to be alone."
Half the time what she really means is:
"Chase me, you idiot, can't you tell I'm playing
hard to get? Well . . . come and get it!"
Get it? No, guys don't get it at all.
They WISH they were getting it all the time,
but they're lucky if they break even.
Very confusing to the male of the species.
The reason for the confusion is
on a woman, there are two ovaries,
which take turns sending out hormones.
The job of this ovary is to send out the YES signal:
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP.
While the job of the other ovary is to send down
the NO signal: BAMP, BAMP, BAMP, BAMP.
So together, you get a sort of mixed signal, like:
BAMP-BEEP, BAMP-BEEP, BAMP-BEEP.
Which to the average male sounds like:
"BABY, BABY, BABY!" or to a horny male sound like:
"BANG-ME, BANG-ME, BANG-ME!" And that's on a clear day.
On a bad day, with poor reception, the signal comes out muffled,
sorta like: "M-MAYBE BABY, M-M-MAYBE BABY, M-MAYBE BABY!"
So guys never know if they're getting it or not!
VERY frustrating to the male of the species.
The cause of all human frustration, economic oppression,
bipartisan politics. The war in the Middle East
can be traced to this historical conflict, going on in here.
Now, on a male, there is only ONE tube.
Emma Lee Nim
In other words, there is a VAS DEFERENS.
And it's the job of VAS DEFERENS
to send out one and only one signal, loud and clear,
and we ALL know it ain't the word NO.
So the job of Mr. Happy is to convince Little Miss Fussy
to come on over and give him a great big hug
(nice and tight) and officially become Mrs. Happy.
And you can tell when she's happy
because she'll start giving out different signals.
This ovary here quits saying YES,
and starts saying NO NO NO NO NO! And this ovary here that
used to say NO NO NO, turns around and starts going:
Boy, this guy turns me ON ON ON ON ON!
So together, they go: ON NO, ON NO, ON NO
Oh no! Oh no! Bamp - Beep! Bamp - Beep!
Wah, Wah, Wah, Wah! Wooo! Wooo! Wooo! Wooo!
And that's where babies come from.
So that's the "birds and the bees" -
or the "bamps and the beeps" -
according to standup comedy. - etn 2000